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2024-08-17 02:08

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Parenting

The Paradox of Helicopter Parenting

When protecting your child does more harm than good.

Key points

Practice mindfulness to manage your own emotions when your child faces challenges.
Reframe struggles as growth opportunities, not failures, to reduce intervention urges.
Set clear boundaries for when to intervene, focusing only on safety or explicit help requests.

The impulse to protect one’s child is noble; it’s natural, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. However, any virtue unchecked by other virtues can become a vice. We are in a cultural moment when the drive to protect has run amok, leading to the unintended consequence of undermining children’s resilience by removing them from adversity. Despite living in one of the safest, lowest-crime periods in history, parents are more protective than ever. This paradox has contributed to a dramatic increase in depression and anxiety levels among children and adolescents.

What Is Helicopter Parenting?

Padilla-Walker & Nelson (2012) define helicopter parenting as a distinct construct from other forms of parental control. They describe it as a style of parenting that involves overprotective and overly controlling behaviors, particularly during a child's transition to adulthood. This type of parenting is associated with various negative outcomes, such as reduced life satisfaction and increased anxiety. Schiffrin et al. (2014) highlight that this parenting style interferes with child development, particularly in areas where the child should be developing autonomy. Their study emphasized that such parenting could lead to negative outcomes for children's mental health, including increased levels of anxiety and depression due to the lack of opportunities to develop coping mechanisms independently.

On the other hand, there is the concept of overparenting. Segrin et al. (2012) describe overparenting as a form of parenting characterized by excessive control and involvement in the lives of adult children, often leading to entitlement and a lack of adaptive traits. Their study highlights the importance of allowing children to face challenges and develop problem-solving skills on their own.

There is a large degree of overlap between these two concepts, but there are some subtle distinctions that are important to note.

The Impact of Overprotection

Jonathan Haidt, a prominent social psychologist, has extensively discussed how overprotective parenting and helicopter parenting have contributed to rising rates of mental health issues among young people. Haidt explains that this style of parenting deprives children of the opportunity to develop independence and resilience. Historically, children were allowed to explore their environments, encounter challenges, and resolve conflicts on their own. These experiences were critical in building the problem-solving skills and emotional fortitude necessary for adulthood. However, in recent decades, the fear of danger—despite a significant decline in crime rates—has led parents to keep children under constant supervision, limiting their ability to engage in these essential developmental activities.

Encouraging Resilience Through Struggle

The key, then, is not to eliminate adversity but to allow children to encounter it in a controlled and supportive environment. Parents should strive to be the "guide on the side" rather than the "sage on the stage." This means focusing on a child’s experience and growth rather than the parent’s discomfort at seeing them struggle. When parents rush to alleviate their child’s distress, they may inadvertently undermine the child’s ability to develop their own coping mechanisms. As Haidt suggests, allowing children to experience manageable levels of discomfort and challenge is crucial for building their resilience.

Developing Distress Tolerance as a Parent

For parents to help their children develop problem-solving skills and resilience, they must first develop their own tolerance for distress. It can be challenging to watch a child struggle, but it’s essential to remember that these struggles are opportunities for growth. By stepping back and allowing children to navigate difficulties, parents provide the space necessary for their children to develop the skills they will need to handle life’s inevitable challenges independently.

Developing distress tolerance as a parent is crucial for allowing children to experience struggles and learn from them. Here are some specific strategies parents can use:

Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness: Mindful parenting involves being present in the moment and observing your emotions without judgment. When you feel the urge to intervene in your child’s struggle, pause and acknowledge your own discomfort. Understanding that your discomfort is natural but not necessarily helpful to your child’s growth can help you resist the urge to jump in.

Reflect on Long-Term Goals: Remind yourself of the long-term benefits of allowing your child to struggle. While it may be painful to watch them face difficulties, overcoming challenges is essential for building resilience and developing problem-solving skills and independence. Reflecting on these goals can help you tolerate short-term discomfort for long-term gains.

Reframe Your Thoughts: Cognitive reframing involves changing the way you think about a situation. Instead of viewing your child’s struggle as a sign of failure or something to be fixed, see it as a valuable learning opportunity. Reframing can reduce anxiety and increase your tolerance for your child’s difficulties.

Set Boundaries for Yourself: Establish clear boundaries about when you will intervene in your child’s challenges. For instance, you might decide only to step in if there is a safety concern or if your child explicitly asks for help. Having predetermined boundaries can prevent you from acting impulsively out of discomfort.

Seek Support: It can be helpful to talk to other parents, a therapist, or a support group about your experiences. Sharing your struggles and hearing how others manage similar situations can provide emotional relief and practical strategies (Schiffrin et al., 2014). This support can also help you feel less alone in your parenting journey.

Develop a Tolerance for Uncertainty: Understand that part of your anxiety may come from the uncertainty of not knowing how your child will handle the struggle or what the outcome will be. Practicing tolerance for uncertainty—accepting that you can’t control every outcome—can help you let go and allow your child the space they need to grow.

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