婚姻里的霸道和顺从

Recently, I watched a movie which presents a unique view on a loving relationship.

The theme of the movie is thoughtful yet debatable - in a loving relationship, the dominative and the submissive are both acceptable and reasonable. A true feminist should not encourage each and every woman to take the control, but respect an individual’s choice whichever suits them better.

A dominator, as studied, is in high needs of being in charge. The loss of control makes them stressed or even terrified. As reported, at certain developmental stages, infants and children require prompt care and attention. It those needs are not met in time, they would feel unsafe and find it’s difficult to trust others. Later, when they grow into the adulthood, they might have already developed a strong need to manage things and people. By taking the control, they can establish their peace of mind and their sense of safety. They prefer to have things done in a certain way or in a specific order. They may have very good organization and people management skills. Nevertheless, with the lack of trust, they usually have to face all types of fears and stress.

Opposite to dominators, people who are submissive usually have great trust in others. They find it’s easy to follow instructions. Furthermore, they prefer to be told to do things in certain ways. When there is lack of directions, they would feel lost and unsafe. They are good team players and are flexible on decisions. They feel comfortable with leaders or managers. Yet, the challenge for them is dealing with individuals who are also submissive. Since no one is used to decision making, they would feel uneasy and pressured.

In a relationship, it is ideal that one is dominating and the other is submissive. If there are two dominators in a marriage, they will keep each other busy and tested. They need to choose their fights carefully. If both parties in a relationship are submissive, they may be lack of argument yet lack of happiness too. Both parties may turn to be exhausted and confused.

If there are leaders, there need to be followers. Vice Versa. If there are people who require advice, there need to be people who provide directions.To dominate or to submit? They both are the pathway to the sense of safety, to the real happiness, and to the true self. So, it is a personal experience. And it should be respected and not to be judged.

Could it be this clear and easy? No. Of course. Each individual has their own experience and shadows. And each relationship could be unique and complex. Some time, we need to be the leader, while other time it is easy to listen to and follow our other half. A marriage requires team work. Two team members have their own expertise and portfolios. It is upon them to decide whatever works best at a certain time or in a certain situation.

The bottom line is domination is not self-centered but for the mutrual or the other's benefit; being submissive is one's own decision not the result of being out of choice.