周末一笑：你现在能听到我吗?

1 你现在能听到我吗?/Can you hear me now?

(This one is provided by womaninhome. Thanks womaninhome！)

An old lady had a hearing-aid fitted, hidden underneath her hair. A week later she returned to the doctor for her check-up.

"It's wonderful，I can hear everything now." She reported very happily to the doctor.

"And is your family pleased, too?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, I have not told them yet," said the old lady, "And I have changed my will twice already."

一位老太太装了一个助听器，隐藏在她的头发下面。 一周后，她回到医生那里做检查。

“太棒了，我现在可以听到一切了。”她高兴地向医生报告。

“你的家人也很高兴吗？”医生问。

“哦，我还没有告诉他们，”老太太说，“我已经改了我的遗嘱两回了。”

2 三声口哨/Three Whistles

I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle.

"And how much are they then? "I asked, pointing to another tray.

"You, sir, "replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."

我答应过我的女朋友过生日时送她一条金项链。可是当珠宝商报出我们看中的那条项链的价格时，我低低地打了个长口哨。

“那这条项链多少钱呢?”我指着另一个盘子里的项链问。

“先生，对你来说，”珠宝商答道，“大约值三声口哨。”

3 早报/Morning Paper

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night, she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Deadpanned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

母亲和父亲刚刚给了他们十几岁的女儿开家庭汽车的权力。星期六晚上，她很晚从一个聚会回到家里。

第二天早上，她的父亲出门走到车道上拿报纸，皱起眉头回到家里。

上午11:30，女孩睡眼惺忪地走进厨房，她父亲问她：“亲爱的，你昨天晚上什么时候回来的？”

“不是太晚，爸爸。”她紧张地回答。

她的父亲面无表情地说，“那么，我的宝贝，我必须和送报人谈谈把我的报纸放在汽车的前轮下的事。”

4 醉酒测试

A man is driving home, when he is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys’ car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” the cop says. “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They’re for my juggling act,” the man says.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

“Man,” says the first guy. “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”

一个男人正在开车回家时，因一个坏的指示灯他被一名巡警拦住了。 警察看了看那人的车里，看到后座上有一堆刀具。

“先生，”警察说。 “你为什么有这些刀？”

“他们是用来表演杂耍的。”男人说。

“我不相信，”警察说。“证明一下。”于是这个男人下了车，开始耍刀子。 同时，坐着两个人的一辆汽车经过。

“伙计，”第一个人说，“我很高兴我戒酒了。 这些新的清醒测试很难啊。”

5  婚姻咨询/Marital counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

一对夫妻在结婚20年后前来咨询。当被问到是什么问题时，太太便充满激情，痛苦地长篇大论地列出了他们结婚20年中的每个问题。

她不停地说啊说：忽视、缺少亲密、空虚、孤独，觉得没人爱和不可爱，一整个的在他们的婚姻中她忍受的未满足她需求的流水账。

最后，在允许她讲了足够长的时间后，治疗师站了起来，绕过桌子，请妻子站起来，他在丈夫扬着眉的注视下热情地拥抱并亲吻了她。那女人闭上了嘴，静静地坐着，好像在发呆。

治疗师转向丈夫说：“这是你妻子每周至少需要三次的。你能做到吗？“

丈夫想了一会儿，回答说：“好吧，我可以在星期一和星期三把她送到这里，但星期五我去钓鱼。”

6 老年失忆症/ Senior Moment

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

没有人相信老年人。 。 。每个人都认为他们是老糊涂。

他们庆祝六十周年。这对夫妇因青梅竹马结婚，退休后又搬回了他们的老邻里。

手牵着手他们回到他们的老学校。学校没有锁门，所以他们走了进去，找到他们共享的旧桌子，安迪在那里刻着，“我爱你，萨莉”。

在回家的路上，一袋钱从一辆装甲车上掉下来，几乎落到了他们的脚下。莎莉很快捡起来，但不知道该怎么办，他们把它带回家。在那里，她数了钱 – 那是五万美元。

安迪说：“我们必须送回去。”

萨莉说，“谁捡到就是谁的。”她将钱放回袋子里，藏在阁楼上。

第二天，两名联邦调查局的人在居民区调查寻找钱，敲了门。 “对不起，你们两个昨天有没有发现一个从装甲车里掉出来的袋子？”

莎莉说，“没有。”

安迪说：“她在撒谎，她把它藏在阁楼里。”

萨莉说：“不要相信他，他已经老了。”

特工们转向安迪并开始质疑他。一个说：“从头给我们讲讲这个故事。”

安迪说：“嗯，当莎莉和我昨天从学校回家的时候......”

第一个联邦调查局的人转向他的伙伴说：“我们走吧。”