文字狱里的聚会 (中英双语）

小笑话一篇, 部分素材来自网上:

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柳宗元被捕入狱，遇到也才进来的李白，问李白因何在此。

李白说:“造谣罪，'飞流直下三千尺，' 人家居然真去那个鬼瀑布量了，三千差一尺。就差一尺，我就栽了。”

柳宗元叹道：“彼此彼此，还记得‘千山鸟飞绝’吧？有人也不知在哪棵树上看见一只，就把我举报了。更可气的是，据说剩的那一只还是个死的。”

Liu Zongyuan, locked up in prison, runs into Li Bai, also a newly minted inmate, and asks Li what he is in for. 

“They convicted me of falsely reporting for writing ‘Its torrent dashes down three thousand feet from high.’  You wouldn't believe it but they actually took the trouble to measure that damn fall and, surprise, surprise, it's actually one foot short of 3,000.  One foot short, and here I am!” 

“Same here,” Liu says, “Remember ’All the birds have taken flight from the hills?’  Someone spotted one poor birdie on a frickin tree and told on me.  And listen to this.  That bird?  I've been told it was a dead bird.”

正在感叹时，杜牧垂头丧气地进来了。大家忙问：“你怎么进来了？”

杜牧说：“唉，说我公然猥亵，道德败坏。”

大伙异口同声地说：“是不是‘停车做（坐）爱枫林晚’？”

杜说：“是的，奇耻大辱啊，就凭这么一句诗，他们就说老子在车里做爱，按他们的说法，是车震！车震个鬼啊！”

“可别说我没提醒过你哦，”李白一边使劲摇头一边说，“你头一回让我看那诗，我就让你把“坐爱”给改掉。你偏不听。”

“可是在那句里，用‘坐’当‘因为’最好啊，”杜牧几乎是祈求着说。

一听他这么讲，大家没话了。

These two are commiserating with each other when Du Mu steps in, crestfallen. 

“What are you in for?” they ask.  

“Whew, I was found guilty of public indecency, a crime of moral turpitude no less,” Du responds in despair.

“Because of ’停车做(坐)爱枫林晚,’ right?”  Liu and Li blurt out in unison.

“Yes, I feel so humiliated.  I was convicted of making love in a coach, or ‘coachquake’, as they put it, on this one single shred of evidence.  Coachquake, my foot!”  

“Don't say I didn't warn you, though,” Li Bai says, head shaking emphatically, “The very first time you showed me that poem, I told you to change “坐爱” to something else.  You just wouldn't listen.”

“But there is simply no better choice than ‘坐’ to mean ‘because’ in that line!” Du says, his tone more imploring than retorting.  

At that, they fall silent.

正在此时，陆游骂骂咧咧冲了进来。

“你怎么进来了？”大家齐问。

“就因为我写了‘勿言牛老行苦迟，我今八十耕犹力’，他们就说我为老不尊，八十岁还想包二奶。是个人就知道，我老伴几年前就没了，我还写了‘白头老鳏哭空堂，不独悼死亦自伤。’从那时起我一直独身。我的二奶在哪儿？我倒想认识认识呢。”

“你还别说，”李白在那边小声嘟囔，“‘李白’和‘二奶’，还挺押韵。”

“闭嘴，傻瓜，就知道喝！”陆游生气地呵斥。

Lu You, cursing, bursts in on those three just then. 

“What are you in for?” they inquire.

“No more than writing, ‘Don't say an old ox is useless.  At 80, I'm still hard at it (4).’  They allege I'm 80 years old and I'm still scheming to keep Er-Nai mistresses.  Everyone knows I lost my wife some years ago and wrote ‘Grey-haired widower cries over his loneliness.  He grieves for his wife and he grieves himself (5).’  I've been single since.  Where are all my Er-Nai mistresses?  I'd like to get to know them.”

“You know,” Li Bai murmurs, “’Loneliness’ rhymes much better with ‘mistress’ than ‘himself.’”

“Shut up, you rummy fool!”  Lu You retorts in anger.

这几人正谈论着陆游的案子呢，就见穿了醒目牢服的李清照路过，众人惊问：“弱女子怎么了？”

李清照答曰:“常记溪亭日暮，沉醉不知归路。”涉嫌酒驾拘留，一面说着，一面一如往常地眼含梦幻，嘴角挂笑。

听闻李清照的回复，李白跌坐地上叹曰，“我要倒大霉了。这么一次区区小犯就有牢狱之灾，我这种酒虫又下场如何？”念及此，李白环顾左右，用预言家的庄重口吻宣布：“大家听好，鲁迅也要和咱们共命运了。”

“咋回事？”柳宗元问道，“他不是伟大旗手吗？”

李白：“‘破帽遮颜过闹市, 漏船载酒泛中流’，你地，明白？”

“那都是老黄历了，谁叫你们不跟时事，鲁迅畏罪潜逃好久了。连他的缺席审判都完事了，说他反对把“妄议中央”入罪。”

李白：“真的？他干啥啦？”

陆游：“还不是因为他提的那个问题，‘和尚摸得我摸不得？’”

As they are discussing Lu You's case, they see Li Qingzhao passing by in shiny jail uniform and exclaim in horror: “What can a delicate lady like you have done to be sent in here?”

“The dusk at the river arbor I often recall.  Blind-drunk, our way back we remembered not at all,’ Li replies with the usual dreamy look in her eyes and a smile on her lips, “I'm in jail for drunk driving.”

Upon hearing that, Li Bai crumples to the floor, muttering: “I'm in big trouble now.  If one can be in for such a one-time trivial indiscretion, what's going to happen to a winebibber like me?”  Then he looks around and declares in the solemn tone of a prophet:”Guys, Lu Xun will be joining us soon.”

“Why?” Liu Zongyuan says, “Isn’t he lauded as the great flag bearer?” 

Li Bai: “’Crossing the busy market, under a torn hat I hide my face.  Carrying wine in a leaky boat, down the river I race.’ That's why.”

“But that’s old news,” Lu You chips in, “You all don't read the news, do you?  Lu Xun has been on the lam for a while now.  He was tried in absentia for protesting the creation of the crime of “issuing groundless criticism of decisions and policies by the central authority.”   

Li Bai: “Really, what did he do?”

Lu You: “Because he asked the question: ‘If a monk can touch it, why can't I?’”

“嗨，你连驾驶执照都没有吧？” 陆游暂时把自己的烦恼搁在一边，回身问李清照。

“没有吧？什么是驾驶执照？ 和我被抓进来有啥关系？”李清照一脸迷惘地问。

大伙的叹气声未落，苏轼跌跌撞撞地进来了。

大家纳闷：“你又何事？”

“涉黄，“苏轼叹曰，脸色红得像猪肝，”我只不过写了句’横看成岭侧成峰，远近高低各不同’，他们就说我偷看女人。冤枉啊！我高度近视，连自己伸出去的手都看不清，就因为近视，阅读前后都得用热毛巾敷眼。像我这种视而不见的人，怎么会偷看，偷看个鬼啊！”

“Eh, do you even have a driver's license?”  Turning back to Li Qingzhao and forgetting his own misery briefly, Lu You asks.

“No, what's a driver's license?  What's that got to do with it?” a wide-eyed Li Qianzhao inquires, a look of perplexity on her face.

The door opens at a heavy sigh from everyone and in stumbles Su Shi.

“What has landed you here,” all the people ask in disbelief.

“Sexual Deviancy”, Su whimpers, blushing crimson, “All I did was writing ‘They are hills viewed in face and peaks viewed from the side, Assuming different shapes viewed from far and wide,’ and they charged me with the crime of being a peeping tom.  This is all just a misunderstanding!  I'm so nearsighted I can't even see my out-stretched hands.  I'm known for putting hot compresses around my eyes before and after reading due to nearsightedness.  How can I be a peeping tom if I can't see a thing?  Peeping at what?” 

就在这时华佗也进来了，众诗人异口同声地问华：“你又不做诗，治病救人咋也进来了？”

华佗唉声叹气地说：“没医师证，非法行医啊！像这种新立的罪名，居然不给老夫豁免一下。”

华佗话音未落，李时珍就进来了，一边走着，一边两手奋力在撕扯一部《本草纲目》，华佗颤声惊问，你也不能行医了吗？李时珍骂道"竟然有人说我抄袭《黄帝内经》。”

At that, in walks Hua Tuo. 

From everyone, “You don't even write poetry.  Why are you also in prison?  Has providing medical service become a crime?”

“No, not yet, but practicing medicine without a license is a crime now and there is no provision for someone like me to be grandfathered in,” answers Hua Tuo dejectedly.

No sooner does Hua Tuo finish his answer than Li Shizhen enters, his hands busily tearing apart a copy of “Compendium of Materia Medica.”

“You're banned from practicing medicine, too?” Hua Tuo, alarmed, inquires in a trembling voice.

“They accuse me of plagiarizing ‘The Yellow Emperor's Inner Classic’.” 

“哇，以前还从来没听说有谁因为抄袭进监狱呢，”李清照一面插言，一面竟瘫倒在地，嘴里还在念叨：“这下糟了，居然还要查我的抄袭罪了。”

陆游一向把李清照当密友，趋前关问道，“何事如此忧心？”

李清照声带哭腔答曰：“希望无事，你记得我写的那首诗吧，荡秋千的那首？”（1）

“你是说那首以‘倚门回首, 却把青梅嗅’结尾的诗？”

“对，正是，”此时李已是声泪俱下，“我从没跟任何人讲过，我写那诗的时候是参考了韩偓的一首诗的。”       

“没事的，”听到俩人的交谈，李时珍插言道，“我进来纯粹是因为有人不喜欢张文宏医生关于需要和新冠病毒共存的看法。他们想用论文抄袭的事打击张文宏的公信力。就是这群人想用我的案子试水，看看公众对抄袭反应如何。”

“Wow, I've never heard of anyone thrown into the slammer for plagiarism!”  Li Qingzhao interjects.  As she is slumping down, she is heard muttering: “This is bad.  To think I may also be prosecuted for plagiarism!”

Lu You, who considers Li Qianzhao a bosom friend, moves over to her. 

“What's bugging you?”  Whispers Lu. 

“Oh,” Li sounds like she is near tears, “I hope it's nothing.  It's just that, you remember that poem by me, the one about playing on a swing?” 

“Oh, the one that ends in ‘Leaning on a door, I looked to see who comes. In less than no time, I sniffed at the green plums’?”

“Yes, yes, that one.”  Li Qingzhao is sobbing now.  “I haven't told anyone, but that one is, in a sense, based on a poem by Han Wo.” (13)

“Don't worry.”  Overhearing the conversation between Li Qingzhao and Lu You, Li Shizhen puts in.  “I'm here only because some people don't like Dr. Zhang Wenhong's opinion that the world will have to co-exist with the Covid virus and are trying to discredit him by claiming that he committed plagiarism in his doctoral dissertation.  These same people are using my case to test the water, to gauge people's reaction to my treatment.”   

大家正安慰李清照呢，杜甫哭哭泣泣地跌撞进来，一面还绝望地嚷着：“我无家可归了，无家可归了！我的草堂成了非法建筑，已经给拆了。我跟他们说我要写诗抗议，他们就把我关这儿来了！”

这边大伙还正在暗暗祈求刚看见的这些凄惨事不要再发生了，下一个进来这位却让大家伙目瞪口呆，因为进来的不是别人，正是堂堂孔夫子。

“你们都想知道我为什么会给抓进来吗？”望着每个人脸上的迷惑，孔夫子激愤而呼，“那我就告诉你们，我进来，就是因为那个刚刚巧立的名目，非法家教！”

While Li Qingzhao is being consoled, there stumbles in a crying Du Fu who declares despondently：”I'm homeless.  Homeless!  My thatched cottage was declared an illegal building and has been demolished.  I told them I'd write poems of protest and they throw me into prison!” 

Just as everyone is desperately hoping the deep sadness they are suffering from what they've witnessed cannot get any worse, the next figure to come in leaves everyone dumbfounded, as it is none other than Confucius. 

“You all want to know what I'm in for?”  Seeing the quizzical look on everyone's face, Confucius roars in utter indignation and bitterness, “I'll tell you what I'm in for; I'm in for the newly concocted crime of illegal tutoring!”

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（1） 

《点绛唇》----- 宋.  李清照

蹴罢秋千，起来慵整纤纤手。露浓花瘦，薄汗轻衣透。

见客入来，袜刬金钗溜。和羞走，倚门回首，却把青梅嗅。

《偶见》----- 唐.  韩偓

秋千打困解罗裙，指点醍醐索一尊。见客入来和笑走，手搓梅子映中门。