Discord rocked the Diehards this week, as members nearly came to blows over
the dinner menu at Diehards IV. Apparently, the slice and dicers wanted a
buffet, and the TSMers wanted a one course meat and potatoes meal.
In order to settle the dispute, the Diehards turned to their mentor, John
Bogle. Bogle, in his Solomonic wisdom, came up with a perfect solution -
index the menu.
"In an efficient menu, indexing can solve all problems," said Bogle. Bogle
proposed that the Diehards use statistics from the FDA to determine the per
capita consumption of the top 500 foods in the United States. Based on the
market cap of each food, that food will be inserted in a food processor,
mixed together, and served to each Diehard. Chicken will comprise 3.80% of
the meal and beef will trail shortly behind at 3.70%. Other notable items
include pork rinds at 289th, jujyfruits at 378th , and edible panties at
476th. "I was surprised by that last one, but I'm not one to second guess
the market," noted Bogle. "Indexers take what the market gives them. If you
keep costs low, you will eat more panties than at least 80% of American
panty-eaters over 10 years. That's the power of indexing!"
The menu controversy seemed resolved until a further problem developed. Some
Diehards contended that the menu should reflect the market cap of a
worldwide menu. "Some of the Diehards felt that the menu would be subject to
less volatility if we included the 500 most eaten foods in the world," said
Bogle. However, with a worldwide menu, starvation came in first, crickets
came in at 279th, lamb's brain at 410th, and earthworms at 500th. Oddly,
edible panties moved all the way up to 136th, largely due to the eating
habits of Swedes and Frenchmen.
The Diehards were deadlocked on this issue, and Vanguard Chairman John
Brennan was contacted for input. Brennan proposed to solve the international
food controversy by moving Bogle's office to a storage locker in Butte,
Montana, and giving himself a raise. No one is quite sure why Brennan thinks
this would resolve the menu. However, Burton Malkiel explained Brennan's
action. "Brennan always proposes that same solution for every problem we
have around here. We had a dispute over a tiebreaker in the office NCAA pool
, and he proposed the same thing. I may be crazy, but I'm beginning to think
he wants Jack out of here. However, I'll go along with Brennan if he waives
Vanguard's mandatory retirement age for me again."
At press time, the menu was still unsettled, and Bogle was still in his
office. Brennan, however, did get a raise.
