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Are We Overpraising Our Children?
The negative effects of overpraising kids
Posted Dec 10, 2013
Research has shown that there are positive effects of praising children, but
it depends on what kind of praise we’re dishing out. A recent Stanford
Study (link is external) of toddlers showed that “praising effort, not
talent, leads to greater motivation and more positive attitudes toward
challenges” down the road. These findings are consistent with previous
research, which has connected praise with increased motivation in children,
but only when it is based on real attributes. As one study (link is external
) posed, “Provided that praise is perceived as sincere, it is particularly
beneficial to motivation when it encourages performance attributions to
controllable causes, promotes autonomy, enhances competence without an
overreliance on social comparisons, and conveys attainable standards and
expectations.”
The problem with many parents hoping to boost their child’s self-esteem isn
’t that they’re praising; it’s that they’re overpraising. Too often in
today’s competitive world, we focus on children’s “greatness” defining
who they are and making exaggerated statements that fail to reflect their
true abilities. According to lead researcher of the Stanford Study Prof.
Carol S. Zweck, statements like, "'You're great, you're amazing' [are] not
helpful, because later on, when [children] don't get it right or don't do it
perfectly, they'll think they aren't so great or amazing."
Self-esteem isn’t about telling kids that everything they do is terrific. A
real sense of self-worth is based on the skills they build for themselves
and the true accomplishments they feel they’ve made. However, many parents
have the tendency to build up their kids with false or exaggerated
statements. For example, instead of saying, “What a creative painting! You
really worked hard on that,” they may say something like, “Wow! What a
wonderful artist you are! You’re so talented! You’re the best painter I’
ve ever seen.” Most parents do this innocently in an effort to make their
kids feel good about themselves. Yet, on a certain, even unconscious level,
they may be trying to compensate for their own lacking childhoods. Or they
may offer build up or avoid criticism in the interest of being “liked” by
their children. They may even believe on some level that their child is “
great, amazing, superior,” because they want to be the parent of a great
artist to buoy their own fragile self-esteem.
Trouble arises when the parent does not fully appreciate or realize the
impact they are having as a lead influence on the person that child will
become. While it may seem innocent in the moment, overpraising can have
adverse long-term effects that include:
Feelings of entitlement – When we overpraise or overindulge our kids, they
get the sense that they are special - but not the good kind of special that
we hope they will feel. Rather, they may carry a sense of entitlement or
expect life to be easy for them, which leaves them unprepared to face the
challenges life will surely throw at them. Some people argue that our
recent shift toward over-parenting (link is external) is breeding narcissism
(link is external) in the new generation, and that young people today are
expecting to work less, yet get more. This mentality can truly hurt a child
who fails to build the skills to support his or her ambitions.
Feelings of inadequacy – False build-ups make children feel they need to be
great in order to be acceptable. However, they never really feel okay about
themselves, because the praise they’ve received feels empty and
unrealistic. Some parents compensate for their own emptiness by building up
their children, yet it's that feeling of emptiness that gets passed from
generation to generation. Overpraising our kids makes them feel uncertain
about their true abilities. When they feel insecure, they stop wanting to
try. They may hold back, because they feel like a phony or fear that they
will fail.
Life will be a disappointment – Parents often make sacrifices in hopes of
giving their children the best. Sometimes this is done to an extreme, and
the parent’s life starts to center solely around the child. When we cater
to a child’s every desire and treat them as royalty, we fail to reflect the
real world they will enter as adults. Our willingness to over-involve
ourselves in everything from their homework to their laundry can do more
damage than good. Not only does it fail to prepare them for their future
responsibilities, but it deprives them of opportunities to feel good about
themselves, as they evolve into responsible and skilled adolescents and
adults. Parents who do too much for their kids are actually handicapping
instead of helping them.
Loss of interest in activities– When we over-involve ourselves in our
children’s accomplishments, over-identifying or investing in their “
greatness,” we run the risk of intruding on them in a way that negatively
influences their interests. This is particularly true when we start to view
their achievements as reflections on us. For example, a young boy loved
baseball and took pride in his little league games up until the day his
father became involved. Baseball had been a source of confidence and
independence for the boy, but pretty soon his father’s presence at every
practice and loud yells from the crowd during the games started to make the
boy feel embarrassed and resentful. He came to to see baseball as a
performance instead of an activity he loved. Soon enough, he lost interest
and stopped playing the sport altogether.
In a similar story, a little girl brought home a picture she drew and showed
it to her mother. Her mom’s reaction was overwhelming. She praised her
daughter endlessly, calling her “the next Picasso.” Whenever someone came
over, she showed it off, telling visitors with pride how her daughter had
gotten her own artistic talent. Feeling like her mother was taking credit
for the picture and that her mother would take ownership of anything she
created, the little girl vowed never to draw again. She gave up an activity
she may have excelled in and enjoyed after feeling intruded on by her mother.
So what is the alternative to overpraising our kids when it comes to
building their self-esteem? Obviously, the answer is not to stop
complimenting them or supporting them in their interests. In fact, it is
just the opposite. What parents need to do is simple: take notice of
something your kids like to do and offer support and encouragement that is
realistic and appropriate. As we do this, we should aim to avoid labels. If
we call our kids pro-athletes or stars, they won’t really feel it describes
them. Again, this type of labeling is more about the parent’s wishes and
fantasies than the child’s reality. It creates pressure to perform and does
not acknowledge the practice required to achieve success. It is best to
compliment children’s efforts and acknowledge their improvement. Grandiose
praise does not make a child feel seen for who they really are. We should
also remember to be respectful of our children’s boundaries and never
connect to or take credit for their accomplishments.
Children need to feel a sense of independence and autonomy to truly have a
feeling for their own self-worth. This sense of worth must be built on
something solid. As parents, we should quietly take note of the activities
that light our children up and that boost their self-esteem. We should
sensitively help guide them toward finding something they enjoy and do well,
then provide them with opportunities to engage in the activity and develop
their skills. Without being intrusive or overbearing, we can offer support
and encouragement. We can encourage them to stick with activities even when
they get hard, so they will be more resilient and adaptive and understand
that success comes from hard work. We can do less and less for them, as they
become more competent to do things for themselves, thus building a sense of
their own capability.
Most importantly, if we want our kids to be happy, instead of just giving
them praise, we must offer them chances to feel good about themselves. We
can create opportunities for them to be self-sufficient, generous and
compassionate. Research (link is external) has proven generosity to be the
key to happiness and health, so what better gift to give our child than the
chance to offer something to the world around them? Not only will this give
them self-esteem, but it will allow them to spread this feeling of
worthiness to those around them.
Are We Overpraising Our Children?
The negative effects of overpraising kids
Posted Dec 10, 2013
Research has shown that there are positive effects of praising children, but
it depends on what kind of praise we’re dishing out. A recent Stanford
Study (link is external) of toddlers showed that “praising effort, not
talent, leads to greater motivation and more positive attitudes toward
challenges” down the road. These findings are consistent with previous
research, which has connected praise with increased motivation in children,
but only when it is based on real attributes. As one study (link is external
) posed, “Provided that praise is perceived as sincere, it is particularly
beneficial to motivation when it encourages performance attributions to
controllable causes, promotes autonomy, enhances competence without an
overreliance on social comparisons, and conveys attainable standards and
expectations.”
The problem with many parents hoping to boost their child’s self-esteem isn
’t that they’re praising; it’s that they’re overpraising. Too often in
today’s competitive world, we focus on children’s “greatness” defining
who they are and making exaggerated statements that fail to reflect their
true abilities. According to lead researcher of the Stanford Study Prof.
Carol S. Zweck, statements like, "'You're great, you're amazing' [are] not
helpful, because later on, when [children] don't get it right or don't do it
perfectly, they'll think they aren't so great or amazing."
Self-esteem isn’t about telling kids that everything they do is terrific. A
real sense of self-worth is based on the skills they build for themselves
and the true accomplishments they feel they’ve made. However, many parents
have the tendency to build up their kids with false or exaggerated
statements. For example, instead of saying, “What a creative painting! You
really worked hard on that,” they may say something like, “Wow! What a
wonderful artist you are! You’re so talented! You’re the best painter I’
ve ever seen.” Most parents do this innocently in an effort to make their
kids feel good about themselves. Yet, on a certain, even unconscious level,
they may be trying to compensate for their own lacking childhoods. Or they
may offer build up or avoid criticism in the interest of being “liked” by
their children. They may even believe on some level that their child is “
great, amazing, superior,” because they want to be the parent of a great
artist to buoy their own fragile self-esteem.
Trouble arises when the parent does not fully appreciate or realize the
impact they are having as a lead influence on the person that child will
become. While it may seem innocent in the moment, overpraising can have
adverse long-term effects that include:
Feelings of entitlement – When we overpraise or overindulge our kids, they
get the sense that they are special - but not the good kind of special that
we hope they will feel. Rather, they may carry a sense of entitlement or
expect life to be easy for them, which leaves them unprepared to face the
challenges life will surely throw at them. Some people argue that our
recent shift toward over-parenting (link is external) is breeding narcissism
(link is external) in the new generation, and that young people today are
expecting to work less, yet get more. This mentality can truly hurt a child
who fails to build the skills to support his or her ambitions.
Feelings of inadequacy – False build-ups make children feel they need to be
great in order to be acceptable. However, they never really feel okay about
themselves, because the praise they’ve received feels empty and
unrealistic. Some parents compensate for their own emptiness by building up
their children, yet it's that feeling of emptiness that gets passed from
generation to generation. Overpraising our kids makes them feel uncertain
about their true abilities. When they feel insecure, they stop wanting to
try. They may hold back, because they feel like a phony or fear that they
will fail.
Life will be a disappointment – Parents often make sacrifices in hopes of
giving their children the best. Sometimes this is done to an extreme, and
the parent’s life starts to center solely around the child. When we cater
to a child’s every desire and treat them as royalty, we fail to reflect the
real world they will enter as adults. Our willingness to over-involve
ourselves in everything from their homework to their laundry can do more
damage than good. Not only does it fail to prepare them for their future
responsibilities, but it deprives them of opportunities to feel good about
themselves, as they evolve into responsible and skilled adolescents and
adults. Parents who do too much for their kids are actually handicapping
instead of helping them.
Loss of interest in activities– When we over-involve ourselves in our
children’s accomplishments, over-identifying or investing in their “
greatness,” we run the risk of intruding on them in a way that negatively
influences their interests. This is particularly true when we start to view
their achievements as reflections on us. For example, a young boy loved
baseball and took pride in his little league games up until the day his
father became involved. Baseball had been a source of confidence and
independence for the boy, but pretty soon his father’s presence at every
practice and loud yells from the crowd during the games started to make the
boy feel embarrassed and resentful. He came to to see baseball as a
performance instead of an activity he loved. Soon enough, he lost interest
and stopped playing the sport altogether.
In a similar story, a little girl brought home a picture she drew and showed
it to her mother. Her mom’s reaction was overwhelming. She praised her
daughter endlessly, calling her “the next Picasso.” Whenever someone came
over, she showed it off, telling visitors with pride how her daughter had
gotten her own artistic talent. Feeling like her mother was taking credit
for the picture and that her mother would take ownership of anything she
created, the little girl vowed never to draw again. She gave up an activity
she may have excelled in and enjoyed after feeling intruded on by her mother.
So what is the alternative to overpraising our kids when it comes to
building their self-esteem? Obviously, the answer is not to stop
complimenting them or supporting them in their interests. In fact, it is
just the opposite. What parents need to do is simple: take notice of
something your kids like to do and offer support and encouragement that is
realistic and appropriate. As we do this, we should aim to avoid labels. If
we call our kids pro-athletes or stars, they won’t really feel it describes
them. Again, this type of labeling is more about the parent’s wishes and
fantasies than the child’s reality. It creates pressure to perform and does
not acknowledge the practice required to achieve success. It is best to
compliment children’s efforts and acknowledge their improvement. Grandiose
praise does not make a child feel seen for who they really are. We should
also remember to be respectful of our children’s boundaries and never
connect to or take credit for their accomplishments.
Children need to feel a sense of independence and autonomy to truly have a
feeling for their own self-worth. This sense of worth must be built on
something solid. As parents, we should quietly take note of the activities
that light our children up and that boost their self-esteem. We should
sensitively help guide them toward finding something they enjoy and do well,
then provide them with opportunities to engage in the activity and develop
their skills. Without being intrusive or overbearing, we can offer support
and encouragement. We can encourage them to stick with activities even when
they get hard, so they will be more resilient and adaptive and understand
that success comes from hard work. We can do less and less for them, as they
become more competent to do things for themselves, thus building a sense of
their own capability.
Most importantly, if we want our kids to be happy, instead of just giving
them praise, we must offer them chances to feel good about themselves. We
can create opportunities for them to be self-sufficient, generous and
compassionate. Research (link is external) has proven generosity to be the
key to happiness and health, so what better gift to give our child than the
chance to offer something to the world around them? Not only will this give
them self-esteem, but it will allow them to spread this feeling of
worthiness to those around them.
