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【 以下文字转载自 Piebridge 讨论区 】
发信人: rihong (日黉), 信区: Piebridge
标 题: 是不是有些人其实还不适合美好婚姻或当好家长？
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Wed Mar 7 10:34:14 2012, 美东)
感觉这个首页啊，有阵子吧，媳妇啊婆婆啊什么的矛盾上了好几条；后来吧就是女婿和
丈母娘丈母爷的矛盾；结果这两天一看，又是夫妻之间甚至家长和小孩儿之间的。。。
琢磨着婚姻可能不是一个一定美好的东西，而是一个壳子。里头是心里美还是赛蜜糖还
是苦砒霜都要看两个人的共同付出，甚至双方的家人。
若是自己连中学生守则，甚至小学生守则都做不到。那又要怎么言传身教地去当个好家
长，甚至是能带出遵守那些守则的好孩子的家长呢？
工作讲究有个技能列表，这样才能为雇主创造价值。
家庭的话，感觉也有一些事情需要掌握，才能保证以后能为家庭创造价值嘛~``
可是这个，学校不说爹妈也不教，朋友之间可能还喜欢攀比什么的。结果本来通过社会
洗礼、自我反省和不断改进后可以掌握多种技能创造美好生活的同学们，跳级成家，发
现麻烦比想象得要多啊~``
技能缺得越多，对般配的要求就越高。比如没有经济能力的，必须要有个有经济能力的
才能过下去；但是如果自己有经济能力，那不论对方有没有都可以。感觉缘分很难自己
控制的；而技能可以自己提升吧。。。
感觉提升自己也是给彼此多一些长久在一起的机会啊。而且婚姻那么长，难保中间会有
一个绝尘而去，离开的时候肯定希望另一半一个人也能带好下一代的。
当然，可以重新找一个比较般配的，但是考虑到原生地亚洲的文化形态，找般配的会更
难。
如果也要当好家长，感觉就是技能要全，不然怎么言传身教和真正欣赏配偶的付出呢？
@[email protected]~~` 很多怨言，其实都是长久来的没有被充分欣赏所积累的。。。哪怕言辞再精进
，有过实践经验和没有的还是有区别呀。
就好比就算是项目经理，如果要团队长久稳固而且进度得宜，必须要有基层经验的。有
点类似以前的“车间主任”撒~`` //blushing~``
个人感觉婚前，甚至找另一半前，应该有的技能，是不是不管男女都可以有这些？抛砖
引玉~`` 真心希望世间的快乐可以多一些额~` 新生命接触到的美好可以多一些撒~``
1、有稳定收入(史) (social skills)
至少是，要求看n个月帐单才能申请的信用卡，所不会拒绝的那种。感觉就算有人愿意(
白)养，但自己挣过钱的话，总能更好地体会另一半的不易，能够更好地换位思考。
2、监控和管理自身财务的能力。(financial skills)
花钱多少都是个人的自由，但是要有数。感觉把两个各自过得挺好的人放一起不一定能
有快乐的婚后生活，但把两个连自己都管不好自己的人放一起，长久快乐的概率貌似会
低一些？
3、独立存活能力(life skills)
能够从原材料里头做出吃的来，管上自己十天半个月的，不需要依赖二次加工食品或者
馆子也能活。能把自己照顾得健健康康的。
4、收纳和清洁能力(life skills, extra)
自己洗衣服晾衣服收拾被和。能保持居住环境的清洁卫生，有自己的系统，不至于要什
么找不到。
5、良好的沟通能力(social skills, extra)
相当于谈薪水吧，能平心静气地谈薪水涨工资的能力。感觉这个比较像成了家以后，既
要尊重事实又要发现和满足双（甚至多）方真实的首要需求，还要讲和谐不好伤感情的
场景。
6、终生学习和不断调整的能力(marriage skill)
感觉婚姻和家庭，是一个在不断滚动的大球球，里头有先生、有太太、有小孩、有保姆
/临时工，甚至偶尔会跑进来双方的家长啊亲戚什么的。如何在不断变动的身心环境和
重力场下保持好平衡，本身就是一个需要一辈子都用心的学习过程。//无限崇敬ing~`
--------------------附送西方世界说的婚姻技能列表---------------
10 Skills For A Successful Marriage
Steven James Dixon February 14, 2011 202
...
...Build them, grow them, borrow them, do whatever you have to do to obtain
these skills before you get married. If you are already married, then you
got some “On The Job Training” to do!
10. Problem Solving Skills – The skill of problem solving may be the most
important on this list but I wanted to start here because if you don’t have
this one, it doesn’t matter if you have all of the other ones. The lack of
problem solving skill development is the #1 reason why the first two years
of marriage are so difficult. During your first two years of marriage you
and your mate are trying to get on the same page as to your approach to
problem solving. You are finding out that with your spouse, you can only get
it your way half of the time. Problem solving skills are about knowing when
to fight, when not to fight, when to give, when to take and when to squash
it.
9. Putting Your Spouse First Skills – Well, first after God, but way, way,
way before kids or your job or your momma or your daddy or your friends or
Xbox or Wii or PlayStation or the Cowboys or the Lakers or Oprah or anything
else that you can think of. God – First. Spouse – Second. Kids – Third.
My son is a handsome young man, but I know that I got a couple more of those
left in me, but this woman is the only one for me. On her bad days when she
probably should come in last, she is still first because I ALWAYS want to
be first on her list of things to do.
8. Life Skills – It is important that each spouse is not only working for
today but also planning for tomorrow for the other spouse. “What can I do
today that would make me a better Man or Husband tomorrow?” “What can I do
to still be attractive to my Husband 5 years from now?” “Should I go back
to school?” “Should I start my own business?” “How can I show my Spouse
my support in their endeavors?” Eat right, be healthy, live long, plan
financially, save, HANDLE YO BUSINESS! BE A PARTNER!
7. Forgiveness Skills – While dating, you don’t have to forgive, you can
choose to forget them. You can POOF them (Be gone sucka)! But in order to be
successful at marriage, not only do you have to be able to forgive, you
have to be able to forgive right now! Spouse does something wrong, they
apologize, they are not perfect, you are not perfect, get help if necessary
but the moment that you can’t forgive is the moment that your relationship
stops growing. You cannot do anything without forgiveness. If you cannot
forgive, stay single.
6. Creativity Skills – It is marriage, we live together. We see each other
every day. It can easily become monotonous. Occasionally, on a Tuesday or
any other regular day challenge yourself to come up with something fun to do
even if it’s only for a few minutes. Play Frisbee, Uno, Two Person Spades,
Jenga, Twister. Go on a picnic, a walk, a ride. Take your man to a high
school football game. Take your woman to see a play. Enjoy each other’s
company. HAVE SOME FREAKIN’ FUN!
5. Focus Skills – Don’t have too much fun. Bring it down a notch. Balance
is the key. Learn to focus on the positive characteristics about your spouse
. There are some things that you absolutely love about them. There are some
things that you may hate about them, but the good outweighs the bad or you
would not have married them. So focus on the things that brought the two of
you together. You point one finger at your spouse, you point four back at
yourself.
4. Being Confident Skills – You have to believe that your marriage will
never fail. That divorce is not an option. You have to be confident that
your spouse loves you as much as you love them. Sometimes they may not show
it, so you got to know it, you have to believe it, you have to be confident
beyond a shadow of a doubt that each person will keep all of the promises
that they made to you. You cannot be sidetracked or shaken by every bump in
the road. The confidence of one spouse could rub off on the other spouse and
before you know it, the marriage is back on track.
3. Learning Skills – At some point in the marriage we think we know our
spouse, but then they change and grow. She is not the same woman she was
when she was 28. He is not the same man he was when he was 32. This is not a
reason to get a divorce. You should always be willing to learn and re-learn
your spouse. Everything else in life changes and evolves, why can’t your
spouse? If you are not willing to re-learn the person that you are married
to, they should not have married YOU (Meaning that YOU are not qualified for
marriage)!
2. Perception Skills – I’m not talking about yours, I am talking about you
taking notice of the way in which the world perceives YOU! Look married!
The perception that I always want to give off is that I am a happily married
man. It is important to me that I make my wife look good. It is important
to me that my wife makes me look good. I am not talking about no fake,
smiling in yo face folks, that don’t count. My wife and I work on things at
home some when we are on the road it is easy to look and be what we are.
If I look or act like I am not married, sooner or later that is going to
catch up with me. This is not something that you want to turn on and off.
You should always be in touch with what you look like to other people.
1. Fighting Skills – Some days you don’t feel like all that stuff above.
But when you fight, fight fair. Fight with a purpose. Make sure that you are
fighting for something. Fights are not long. Not hours. Fighting for hours
is played out. Make your point or your 2-3 points and keep it moving. Your
spouse may not agree, but they hear you, and if they love you, they will do
what they can to make you happy. If you fight dirty, I am not doing whatever
it is that you want me to do and that’s on GP. If you come at me with a
smidget of bass in your voice, but you are respectful and you are right, I
might ride with you. But if I am wrong and you come at me sideways, whatever
I did to piss you off, I am going to do that again.
If you are not married, take this list and grade yourself. Are you ready for
marriage?
发信人: rihong (日黉), 信区: Piebridge
标 题: 是不是有些人其实还不适合美好婚姻或当好家长？
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Wed Mar 7 10:34:14 2012, 美东)
感觉这个首页啊，有阵子吧，媳妇啊婆婆啊什么的矛盾上了好几条；后来吧就是女婿和
丈母娘丈母爷的矛盾；结果这两天一看，又是夫妻之间甚至家长和小孩儿之间的。。。
琢磨着婚姻可能不是一个一定美好的东西，而是一个壳子。里头是心里美还是赛蜜糖还
是苦砒霜都要看两个人的共同付出，甚至双方的家人。
若是自己连中学生守则，甚至小学生守则都做不到。那又要怎么言传身教地去当个好家
长，甚至是能带出遵守那些守则的好孩子的家长呢？
工作讲究有个技能列表，这样才能为雇主创造价值。
家庭的话，感觉也有一些事情需要掌握，才能保证以后能为家庭创造价值嘛~``
可是这个，学校不说爹妈也不教，朋友之间可能还喜欢攀比什么的。结果本来通过社会
洗礼、自我反省和不断改进后可以掌握多种技能创造美好生活的同学们，跳级成家，发
现麻烦比想象得要多啊~``
技能缺得越多，对般配的要求就越高。比如没有经济能力的，必须要有个有经济能力的
才能过下去；但是如果自己有经济能力，那不论对方有没有都可以。感觉缘分很难自己
控制的；而技能可以自己提升吧。。。
感觉提升自己也是给彼此多一些长久在一起的机会啊。而且婚姻那么长，难保中间会有
一个绝尘而去，离开的时候肯定希望另一半一个人也能带好下一代的。
当然，可以重新找一个比较般配的，但是考虑到原生地亚洲的文化形态，找般配的会更
难。
如果也要当好家长，感觉就是技能要全，不然怎么言传身教和真正欣赏配偶的付出呢？
@[email protected]~~` 很多怨言，其实都是长久来的没有被充分欣赏所积累的。。。哪怕言辞再精进
，有过实践经验和没有的还是有区别呀。
就好比就算是项目经理，如果要团队长久稳固而且进度得宜，必须要有基层经验的。有
点类似以前的“车间主任”撒~`` //blushing~``
个人感觉婚前，甚至找另一半前，应该有的技能，是不是不管男女都可以有这些？抛砖
引玉~`` 真心希望世间的快乐可以多一些额~` 新生命接触到的美好可以多一些撒~``
1、有稳定收入(史) (social skills)
至少是，要求看n个月帐单才能申请的信用卡，所不会拒绝的那种。感觉就算有人愿意(
白)养，但自己挣过钱的话，总能更好地体会另一半的不易，能够更好地换位思考。
2、监控和管理自身财务的能力。(financial skills)
花钱多少都是个人的自由，但是要有数。感觉把两个各自过得挺好的人放一起不一定能
有快乐的婚后生活，但把两个连自己都管不好自己的人放一起，长久快乐的概率貌似会
低一些？
3、独立存活能力(life skills)
能够从原材料里头做出吃的来，管上自己十天半个月的，不需要依赖二次加工食品或者
馆子也能活。能把自己照顾得健健康康的。
4、收纳和清洁能力(life skills, extra)
自己洗衣服晾衣服收拾被和。能保持居住环境的清洁卫生，有自己的系统，不至于要什
么找不到。
5、良好的沟通能力(social skills, extra)
相当于谈薪水吧，能平心静气地谈薪水涨工资的能力。感觉这个比较像成了家以后，既
要尊重事实又要发现和满足双（甚至多）方真实的首要需求，还要讲和谐不好伤感情的
场景。
6、终生学习和不断调整的能力(marriage skill)
感觉婚姻和家庭，是一个在不断滚动的大球球，里头有先生、有太太、有小孩、有保姆
/临时工，甚至偶尔会跑进来双方的家长啊亲戚什么的。如何在不断变动的身心环境和
重力场下保持好平衡，本身就是一个需要一辈子都用心的学习过程。//无限崇敬ing~`
--------------------附送西方世界说的婚姻技能列表---------------
10 Skills For A Successful Marriage
Steven James Dixon February 14, 2011 202
...
...Build them, grow them, borrow them, do whatever you have to do to obtain
these skills before you get married. If you are already married, then you
got some “On The Job Training” to do!
10. Problem Solving Skills – The skill of problem solving may be the most
important on this list but I wanted to start here because if you don’t have
this one, it doesn’t matter if you have all of the other ones. The lack of
problem solving skill development is the #1 reason why the first two years
of marriage are so difficult. During your first two years of marriage you
and your mate are trying to get on the same page as to your approach to
problem solving. You are finding out that with your spouse, you can only get
it your way half of the time. Problem solving skills are about knowing when
to fight, when not to fight, when to give, when to take and when to squash
it.
9. Putting Your Spouse First Skills – Well, first after God, but way, way,
way before kids or your job or your momma or your daddy or your friends or
Xbox or Wii or PlayStation or the Cowboys or the Lakers or Oprah or anything
else that you can think of. God – First. Spouse – Second. Kids – Third.
My son is a handsome young man, but I know that I got a couple more of those
left in me, but this woman is the only one for me. On her bad days when she
probably should come in last, she is still first because I ALWAYS want to
be first on her list of things to do.
8. Life Skills – It is important that each spouse is not only working for
today but also planning for tomorrow for the other spouse. “What can I do
today that would make me a better Man or Husband tomorrow?” “What can I do
to still be attractive to my Husband 5 years from now?” “Should I go back
to school?” “Should I start my own business?” “How can I show my Spouse
my support in their endeavors?” Eat right, be healthy, live long, plan
financially, save, HANDLE YO BUSINESS! BE A PARTNER!
7. Forgiveness Skills – While dating, you don’t have to forgive, you can
choose to forget them. You can POOF them (Be gone sucka)! But in order to be
successful at marriage, not only do you have to be able to forgive, you
have to be able to forgive right now! Spouse does something wrong, they
apologize, they are not perfect, you are not perfect, get help if necessary
but the moment that you can’t forgive is the moment that your relationship
stops growing. You cannot do anything without forgiveness. If you cannot
forgive, stay single.
6. Creativity Skills – It is marriage, we live together. We see each other
every day. It can easily become monotonous. Occasionally, on a Tuesday or
any other regular day challenge yourself to come up with something fun to do
even if it’s only for a few minutes. Play Frisbee, Uno, Two Person Spades,
Jenga, Twister. Go on a picnic, a walk, a ride. Take your man to a high
school football game. Take your woman to see a play. Enjoy each other’s
company. HAVE SOME FREAKIN’ FUN!
5. Focus Skills – Don’t have too much fun. Bring it down a notch. Balance
is the key. Learn to focus on the positive characteristics about your spouse
. There are some things that you absolutely love about them. There are some
things that you may hate about them, but the good outweighs the bad or you
would not have married them. So focus on the things that brought the two of
you together. You point one finger at your spouse, you point four back at
yourself.
4. Being Confident Skills – You have to believe that your marriage will
never fail. That divorce is not an option. You have to be confident that
your spouse loves you as much as you love them. Sometimes they may not show
it, so you got to know it, you have to believe it, you have to be confident
beyond a shadow of a doubt that each person will keep all of the promises
that they made to you. You cannot be sidetracked or shaken by every bump in
the road. The confidence of one spouse could rub off on the other spouse and
before you know it, the marriage is back on track.
3. Learning Skills – At some point in the marriage we think we know our
spouse, but then they change and grow. She is not the same woman she was
when she was 28. He is not the same man he was when he was 32. This is not a
reason to get a divorce. You should always be willing to learn and re-learn
your spouse. Everything else in life changes and evolves, why can’t your
spouse? If you are not willing to re-learn the person that you are married
to, they should not have married YOU (Meaning that YOU are not qualified for
marriage)!
2. Perception Skills – I’m not talking about yours, I am talking about you
taking notice of the way in which the world perceives YOU! Look married!
The perception that I always want to give off is that I am a happily married
man. It is important to me that I make my wife look good. It is important
to me that my wife makes me look good. I am not talking about no fake,
smiling in yo face folks, that don’t count. My wife and I work on things at
home some when we are on the road it is easy to look and be what we are.
If I look or act like I am not married, sooner or later that is going to
catch up with me. This is not something that you want to turn on and off.
You should always be in touch with what you look like to other people.
1. Fighting Skills – Some days you don’t feel like all that stuff above.
But when you fight, fight fair. Fight with a purpose. Make sure that you are
fighting for something. Fights are not long. Not hours. Fighting for hours
is played out. Make your point or your 2-3 points and keep it moving. Your
spouse may not agree, but they hear you, and if they love you, they will do
what they can to make you happy. If you fight dirty, I am not doing whatever
it is that you want me to do and that’s on GP. If you come at me with a
smidget of bass in your voice, but you are respectful and you are right, I
might ride with you. But if I am wrong and you come at me sideways, whatever
I did to piss you off, I am going to do that again.
If you are not married, take this list and grade yourself. Are you ready for
marriage?
