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Why Battered Women Just Don't Leave?
http://www.gacircleofhope.org/why_not_just_leave.htm
Many people not involved with an abusive partner say that if their mates
ever harmed them they would leave. Many battered victims remember the same
resolve. Why do they stay? Why might they go back? Why do some
permanently separate from abusers?
There are serious factors that weigh on a battered womans decision to
leave. This is the man she loves, or has loved. He may be the father of
her children. Ending an intimate relationship is very difficult, even more
so when self-confidence has been destroyed by the abuser.
Battered women report the following reasons for staying with or going back
to the batterer:
Economic autonomy: The most likely predictor of whether a battered woman
will permanently separate from her abuser is whether she has the economic
resources to survive without him. Therefore, it is very important that
battered women obtain support awards in protection orders and are referred
to battered womens programs where they can learn about the issue, about
other economic supports, job training and employment opportunities.
Hope for change: Many abusers become remorseful after inflicting violence.
This contrite behavior may include promising never to hit again, agreeing
to seek counseling if the victim does not leave, reminding the victim of how
hard he works, pointing out the incredible stresses under which he is
operating, acknowledging the wrongfulness of his violence to the children
and asking their help in stopping it, and demonstrating his love for her in
meaningful ways. Since battered women are in committed relationships and
have often built their lives around the relationship, they hope for change.
When the batterer acknowledges the error of his ways, when he breaks down
and cries out his despair, and concedes the need for dramatic change, hope
is often renewed for battered women.
Isolation: Many battered women lose their support systems. The batterer
has isolated them. For example, a batterer may prohibit a battered woman
from using the phone; may humiliate her at family gatherings; may insist on
transporting her to work; may censor her mail, etc.. Men who batter are
often highly possessive and excessively jealous. They believe that they
own the woman and are entitled to her exclusive attention and absolute
obedience. He knows that if the truth is told about his conduct, supportive
people will urge the battered woman to leave or seek assistance. Therefore
, batterers quickly isolate battered women in order to sustain their power
and control.
Societal denial: Battered women fear that no one will believe their
partners abuse or beat them. Batterers often are very ingratiating and
popular men who keep their terrorizing, controlling behaviors within the
family behind closed doors. The battered woman knows this, and it
reinforces her fear that no one will believe her. Battered women discover
that many people and agencies in the community trivialize the impact of
violence (e.g. doctors prescribe valium for coping; ministers recommend
prayer and more accommodating behaviors; therapists advise better
communications with the perpetrators, etc.). No one understands that she
feels like a prisoner who might be severely injured or die at the hands of
her jailer. She concludes that since they dont understand the seriousness
of the violence, they will not support her disruption of the family.
Barricades to leaving: Even when a battered woman decides to leave,
batterers put up many barricades. Many threaten to seek custody of their
children, to withhold support, to interfere with her employment, to advise
prospective landlords that she is not credit-worthy, to try to turn the
children or family against her, to threaten to kill her or other family
members if she leaves, to threaten retaliatory suicide, or in other ways to
escalate his violence in an attempt to hold her in the relationship.
Belief in batterer treatment: Battered women are reluctant to leave when
their partners are in treatment. She believes the treatment will motivate
him to make the profound changes necessary to stop the battering. Therefore
, it is very important that battered women are referred to domestic violence
programs so that they can gain full information about treatment programs
for batterers and evaluate whether these programs are likely to effect the
change that will make life safe for them.
Dangers in leaving: Many battered women believe that leaving is not
necessarily going to make her life or her childrens lives safer. Many
battered women killed by their partners are killed after they have left or
separated. Leaving can be a dangerous process. In fact, many batterers
escalate their violence to coerce a battered woman into reconciliation or to
retaliate for her departure. Leaving requires strategic planning and
comprehensive legal intervention to safeguard victims and their children.
Leaving is a process: Most battered women leave and return several times
before permanently separating from the batterer. The first time a battered
woman leaves may be a test to see whether he will actually get some help to
stop his behavior. When he is violent again, she may leave to gain more
information about resources available to her. She may then reconcile and
begin to get some economic and educational resources together in case she
decides that she must later leave. She may next leave to try to break out
of the isolation in which the batterer has virtually imprisoned her. Most
battered women do eventually leave.
When friends, family and helping agencies, such as police, shelters, clergy,
courts, medical personnel, educators and therapists, lend substantial and
concerted efforts to assist battered women in the leaving process, battered
women are more likely to leave and secure protection for themselves and
their children. Therefore, when battered women stay, we as a community
should look to see what we are doing to hinder the leaving process and then
make changes to facilitate leaving and ultimate safety. Leaving must be
done in a way that does not further jeopardize safety. Victims should be
referred to domestic violence programs to help develop plans for safe leave-
taking.
References
Browne, A. & Williams, K. R. Exploring the Effect of Resource
Availability on the Likelihood of Female-Perpetrated Homicides. Law and
Society Review, 23, 1989. Gender-Specific Effects on Patterns of Homicide
Perpetration. Paper presented at the American Psychological Association,
New York, August 1987.
Cazenave, N. & Zahn, M. Women, Murder, and Male Domination: Police
Reports of Domestic Homicide in Chicago and
> Philadelphia. Paper prepared for presentation at the 1986 Annual
Meeting of the American Society of Criminology, Atlanta, Georgia.
Gondolf, E. The Effect of Batterer Counseling on Shelter Outcome.
Journal of Interpersonal Violence, Vol 3, No. 3, September, 1988, pp. 275-
289.
Okun, L. Women Abuse: Facts Replacing Myths. Albany, New York:
State University of New York Press, 1986
http://www.gacircleofhope.org/why_not_just_leave.htm
Many people not involved with an abusive partner say that if their mates
ever harmed them they would leave. Many battered victims remember the same
resolve. Why do they stay? Why might they go back? Why do some
permanently separate from abusers?
There are serious factors that weigh on a battered womans decision to
leave. This is the man she loves, or has loved. He may be the father of
her children. Ending an intimate relationship is very difficult, even more
so when self-confidence has been destroyed by the abuser.
Battered women report the following reasons for staying with or going back
to the batterer:
Economic autonomy: The most likely predictor of whether a battered woman
will permanently separate from her abuser is whether she has the economic
resources to survive without him. Therefore, it is very important that
battered women obtain support awards in protection orders and are referred
to battered womens programs where they can learn about the issue, about
other economic supports, job training and employment opportunities.
Hope for change: Many abusers become remorseful after inflicting violence.
This contrite behavior may include promising never to hit again, agreeing
to seek counseling if the victim does not leave, reminding the victim of how
hard he works, pointing out the incredible stresses under which he is
operating, acknowledging the wrongfulness of his violence to the children
and asking their help in stopping it, and demonstrating his love for her in
meaningful ways. Since battered women are in committed relationships and
have often built their lives around the relationship, they hope for change.
When the batterer acknowledges the error of his ways, when he breaks down
and cries out his despair, and concedes the need for dramatic change, hope
is often renewed for battered women.
Isolation: Many battered women lose their support systems. The batterer
has isolated them. For example, a batterer may prohibit a battered woman
from using the phone; may humiliate her at family gatherings; may insist on
transporting her to work; may censor her mail, etc.. Men who batter are
often highly possessive and excessively jealous. They believe that they
own the woman and are entitled to her exclusive attention and absolute
obedience. He knows that if the truth is told about his conduct, supportive
people will urge the battered woman to leave or seek assistance. Therefore
, batterers quickly isolate battered women in order to sustain their power
and control.
Societal denial: Battered women fear that no one will believe their
partners abuse or beat them. Batterers often are very ingratiating and
popular men who keep their terrorizing, controlling behaviors within the
family behind closed doors. The battered woman knows this, and it
reinforces her fear that no one will believe her. Battered women discover
that many people and agencies in the community trivialize the impact of
violence (e.g. doctors prescribe valium for coping; ministers recommend
prayer and more accommodating behaviors; therapists advise better
communications with the perpetrators, etc.). No one understands that she
feels like a prisoner who might be severely injured or die at the hands of
her jailer. She concludes that since they dont understand the seriousness
of the violence, they will not support her disruption of the family.
Barricades to leaving: Even when a battered woman decides to leave,
batterers put up many barricades. Many threaten to seek custody of their
children, to withhold support, to interfere with her employment, to advise
prospective landlords that she is not credit-worthy, to try to turn the
children or family against her, to threaten to kill her or other family
members if she leaves, to threaten retaliatory suicide, or in other ways to
escalate his violence in an attempt to hold her in the relationship.
Belief in batterer treatment: Battered women are reluctant to leave when
their partners are in treatment. She believes the treatment will motivate
him to make the profound changes necessary to stop the battering. Therefore
, it is very important that battered women are referred to domestic violence
programs so that they can gain full information about treatment programs
for batterers and evaluate whether these programs are likely to effect the
change that will make life safe for them.
Dangers in leaving: Many battered women believe that leaving is not
necessarily going to make her life or her childrens lives safer. Many
battered women killed by their partners are killed after they have left or
separated. Leaving can be a dangerous process. In fact, many batterers
escalate their violence to coerce a battered woman into reconciliation or to
retaliate for her departure. Leaving requires strategic planning and
comprehensive legal intervention to safeguard victims and their children.
Leaving is a process: Most battered women leave and return several times
before permanently separating from the batterer. The first time a battered
woman leaves may be a test to see whether he will actually get some help to
stop his behavior. When he is violent again, she may leave to gain more
information about resources available to her. She may then reconcile and
begin to get some economic and educational resources together in case she
decides that she must later leave. She may next leave to try to break out
of the isolation in which the batterer has virtually imprisoned her. Most
battered women do eventually leave.
When friends, family and helping agencies, such as police, shelters, clergy,
courts, medical personnel, educators and therapists, lend substantial and
concerted efforts to assist battered women in the leaving process, battered
women are more likely to leave and secure protection for themselves and
their children. Therefore, when battered women stay, we as a community
should look to see what we are doing to hinder the leaving process and then
make changes to facilitate leaving and ultimate safety. Leaving must be
done in a way that does not further jeopardize safety. Victims should be
referred to domestic violence programs to help develop plans for safe leave-
taking.
References
Browne, A. & Williams, K. R. Exploring the Effect of Resource
Availability on the Likelihood of Female-Perpetrated Homicides. Law and
Society Review, 23, 1989. Gender-Specific Effects on Patterns of Homicide
Perpetration. Paper presented at the American Psychological Association,
New York, August 1987.
Cazenave, N. & Zahn, M. Women, Murder, and Male Domination: Police
Reports of Domestic Homicide in Chicago and
> Philadelphia. Paper prepared for presentation at the 1986 Annual
Meeting of the American Society of Criminology, Atlanta, Georgia.
Gondolf, E. The Effect of Batterer Counseling on Shelter Outcome.
Journal of Interpersonal Violence, Vol 3, No. 3, September, 1988, pp. 275-
289.
Okun, L. Women Abuse: Facts Replacing Myths. Albany, New York:
State University of New York Press, 1986
