周末一笑：是不是喝醉了（转载）

1 是不是喝醉了
My neighbor, the home builder came home drunk and managed to park in the garage, but injured himself when he knocked some sample storm windows he had on a shelf. The second day, his wife talked with him.

A: You came home drunk last night, didn't you?

B: Heavens no.

A: How did you injure yourself then?

R: Oh, I injured myself on the job yesterday.

A: OK, then, please tell me where you did first aid.

B: I think in the bathroom.

A: Well, please explain the bandages all over the bathroom mirror.

我的邻居，一个房屋建筑者，醉熏熏地开着车回家，想把车停在车库里，结果撞上了自己放在架上的一些防风玻璃样品，把自己弄伤一了。第二天他妻子与他谈话。

妻子：你昨天晚上喝醉了，是不是?

丈夫：对天发誓，我没有。

妻子：那么你是怎样受伤的呢?

丈夫：我是昨天工作时受伤的。

妻子：好吧，那么请告诉我你昨天在哪里包扎的。

丈夫：我想是在浴室。

妻子：好吧，请解释一下为什么浴室的镜子上贴满了绷带呢?

2 看到不该看的

A: I had much trouble with my son Dick.

B: You should not worry about that, in the least I had trouble with my daughter too.

A: I suppose Dick's like me that way too, I believe.

B: That's not bad.

A: That's just too bad. I told him time and again not to do what I did but to do what I told him to do, but that didn't seem to work at all.

B: Look here, Bill, suppose you just tell me what's happened and I'll try to work things out for you.

A: Well, I sort of told Dick not to go to see striptease ladies, for he could see things he shouldn’t and what do you think he did?

B: What?

A: Believe it or not, that was exactly what he did, and do you know what he saw there？

B: Err, well, I am not much of an expert but I can guess what the boy...

A: That's it. You've guessed it right. He saw me there.

A: 我现在管不了我儿子迪克了。

B: 你用不着担心，我也经常与我女儿发生矛盾。

A: 我想，迪克随我。

B: 那并不是件坏事呀!

A: 问题就坏在这里了。我三番五次地告诉他，不要照我做的去做，而要照我说的去做。可似乎根本没有用。

B: 比尔，看着我，究竟发生了什么，你快告诉我。我将帮你理出个头绪来。

A: 我，呃，呃……告诉他不要去看脱衣舞女郎，因为他可能会看到不该看的东西，你知道他怎么了?

B: 怎么?

A: 信不信由你，他恰恰那么做了，你猜他看到了什么?

B: 呃，这个方面我不是专家，不过我猜想那孩子……

A: 没错，你猜对了，他看见我在那儿。

3 我要他的老婆/ I want his wife

When I was in Britain, one of my Chinese classmates wanted to make some chicken soup, so he went to the grocery. He said he wanted to buy "chicken," not knowing the word "hen." So, when the grocer showed him a rooster, my classmate shook his head and said，"I don't want this one, I want his wife!"

在英国，一中国同学去菜场想买母鸡回来炖汤喝，不会说hen，只说要chicken，人家指给他一个大公鸡，他摇摇头，说：“我不想要这只，我要他的老婆。”

4 最好的售货员

Harry saw an ad in a window. It said: "Wanted. The Best Salesman in the World. Top pay." "I'm a best salesman. " Harry told himself. " I can sell anything. I’ll go in and ask for that job." He went into the building and spoke to the manager.

A: I'm the best salesman in the world. Give me the job.

B: You must prove you're the best.

A: I'll pass every test you give me.

B: Good.     

The manager took a box of candy out of his desk.

B: Last week, I bought a thousand boxes of this candy. If you can sell them all before the end of the week, you can have the job.

A: That's easy.

He took the box of candy and left the office. Every day and all day, he went from shop to shop, trying to sell boxes of the candy. He couldn't sell one. The candy was so bad he couldn't even give it away.

A: I'm sorry, sir, I was wrong about myself. I'm not the best salesman in the world, but I know who is.

B: Oh. Who?

A: The person who sold you a thousand boxes of this candy.

哈里在橱窗上看到一则广告。上面写着：“招聘世界上最好的售货员，报酬优厚。”“我是一名了不起的售货员，”哈里自言自语，“任何东西我都能卖出去，我要进去应聘这份工作。”他走进大楼去和经理说这件事。

A: 我是世界上最好的售货员，把这份工作给我吧。

B: 你必须证明你是最好的。

A: 我会通过你给我的每一次考验的。

B: 好。

经理从桌子里取出一箱糖果。

我上星期买了1OOO箱这种糖果。如果你能在周末之前把这些全卖出去，你就能得到这份工作。

A: 这很简单。

他拿着这箱糖果离开了办公室。每天从早到晚，他从这家店走到那家店，竭力想卖出这1000箱糖果。结果他一箱也没卖出去。糖果质量太差，以至于送人都没人要。

A: 很抱歉，先生，我搞错了。我不是世界上最好的售货员，但我知道谁是最好的。

B: 哦，是谁?

A: 是把这1000箱糖果卖给你的人。

5 富人的宝贝

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

A: Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.

B: Could you speak to Gd to see if he might bend the rules?

Then he continues to pray his wealth could follow him, and the angel reappears.

A: The God has decided to allow you to take one suitcase with yourself.

Over joyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gate of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter sees the suitcase.

C: Hold on. you can't bring that in here!

B: But I have permission and you can verify my statement with the Lord.

C: You are right. You can carry a bag. But I’m supposed to check its contents before letting you through.

B：OK.

Then he opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind.

C: You brought our pavement?!

曾经有一个富人快要死了，他很伤心，因为为了钱他才拼命工作，他想把钱带着一起上天堂，因此他开始祈祷恳求他能随身带一些财产。

A: 对不起, 你不能带走财产。

B: 你跟上帝说说情吧，看能否网开一面?

他继续祈祷能带上财产，天使又出现了。

A: 上帝允许你随身带一个手提箱。

富人欣喜若狂，拿了他最大的手提箱，里面装满了金条，然后放在床边。不久这个富人死了，出现在天堂门口向圣彼得致意。圣彼得看到了那只手提箱。

C: 等一下，你不能把那东西带到这儿来。

B: 但是我已经得到了许可，你可以到上帝那儿证实一下。

C: 没错，你可以带一只手提箱，但我要检查一下里面是什么东西才能放行。

B: 好的。

于是圣彼得打开手提箱检查那位富人舍不得留在尘世间的宝贝。

C: 你把我们这儿的铺地砖带来了?!

6 压根抓不住

The escalating sales of turkey legs inspired a poultry farmer to research and breed a turkey with more legs and thus reap more profits for him. It was only after many years that he finally succeeded in breeding one with six legs! The news of his success reached the media and reporters.  They questioned him about the taste of the turkey he had bred. The intellectual whispered with a grave face, " I'd like to tell you, but I could not catch it!"

火鸡腿的热销让一名家禽饲养员想研究培育出一个有更多条腿的火鸡品种，从而可以获利更多。许多年后，他终于成功培育出一只有六条腿的火鸡!他成功的新闻被媒体获悉，到访的记者们询问他这只火鸡的味道如何。这名智者一脸严肃地低声说道：“我倒是想告诉你呢，但是我压根抓不住啊!”