大二女生是CBA篮球宝贝 每跳一场都有250元补贴 (转载)# Joke - 肚皮舞运动
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March 16, 2012 By WomansDay.com
When you hear that a close friend is divorcing, you want to be nothing but
supportive. But when you combine the delicate subject matter with your own
mixed feelings (Is she making the right choice? Is my marriage in trouble
too?), it's easy to end up blurting out the wrong thing. You may mean to say
, I'm worried for you, but you end up saying, How will you take care of your
family now? "Friends try to be helpful, but their own fears and biases can
make their comments backfire," says Monique Honaman, author of The High Road
Has Less Traffic: Honest Advice on the Path through Love and Divorce. Here
are eight things you should avoid saying to a divorcing friend, plus helpful
words you should offer up instead.
"I knew it would happen eventually!"
This comment, along with the ever-popular You know, I never really liked him
, comes across as pessimistic and, worse, dismissive of your friend's entire
marriage, says Lisa Rene Reynolds, Ph.D., marital therapist and author of
Parenting Through Divorce: Helping Your Kids Thrive During and After the
Split. "She might think, Why didn't you tell me?" Your friend may even
suspect that you've never trusted her decisions. Not only that, but when you
say anything like I knew it, you're implying that you understand more than
she does about her own relationship—which is a major insult, says Reynolds.
Instead, if you mean I'm on your side, then say precisely that, suggests
Honaman. That will keep the focus on her. You might also ask what you can do
to help, such as offering to find a good therapist or attorney or taking
her out for a drink so she can vent.
"But he seemed like such a nice guy!"
Or, as Maria* heard from a friend after her divorce, "I feel sorry for your
ex-husband." While Maria knows that her friend didn't mean anything cruel,
it took her aback. That's because with a statement like this, again, can
sound like you think you know more about the marriage than your friend does
—and worse, that you're taking his side. Remember, even if they seemed like
the perfect couple, or he seemed like a top-notch spouse, outsiders (which
includes you!) never know the whole story. If you feel badly for her ex,
then don't lead with that. You might instead say, I'm sad for both of you,
but keep the focus on her, says Reynolds. It's fine to be supportive of the
guy, especially if you're close to them both. Just express your support
separately and keep it neutral. Stick to statements like, I'm sorry you're
going through this.
"I don't believe in divorce" or "Did you try hard enough?"
Christine* got this gut punch from a friend when she and her husband split.
"It made me feel as though I hadn't been devoted to my marriage or hadn't
made a big enough effort, which wasn't true," she says. And though you may
think you're helping your friend weigh all her options, there's almost no
way to read this type of comment as anything other than judgmental, says
Honaman. "You're foisting your own value system on your friend, which is
insulting." What if the divorce wasn't her idea, it was an abusive
relationship, or she tried—but failed—to get her husband into couples
therapy? Often, your own fear of divorce is behind comments like these, says
Honaman. "It might be your way of saying, It won't happen to us because we
don't believe in it! or We'll keep trying." The only thing you can say
instead is… nothing. Seriously, keep it to yourself.
"How are you going to take care of your family now?"
Divorced mother of four Margaret* heard a variation on this from friends. "
One said, 'You can't complain that it's hard to be a single parent, because
you asked for this.'" What stings here is that you're saying your friend isn
't "competent enough to go it alone," explains Reynolds. "Your friend is
likely already worried about supporting her family," she adds. It's better
to reframe your concerns in a softer way, says Honaman. Try Have you thought
about the house? Will you be able to stay home with the kids, or do you
need help finding a higher-paying job? Be solution-oriented, and if you can,
pitch in by babysitting her kids or revamping her résumé.
"You ruined our annual holiday celebration!"
The truth is that divorce doesn't just pull apart spouses; it changes
relationships with friends (like the other couples with whom you rented a
ski house) and family dynamics (think complicated holiday schedules with
grandparents). Still, this comment comes across as selfish, says Honaman. It
's not like she should stay with her husband solely to keep your social life
unruffled! It's fine to let her know that you're sad too, but don't make
her breakup about your woes. Instead, express willingness to be flexible.
Say something like, I guess we'll have to figure out what we're doing about
our usual New Year's bash, huh? suggests Reynolds.
"Good for you; men are useless anyway!"
One of Helen's* friends said exactly that, bitterly suggesting that they
throw themselves a man-bashing party. "It was shocking. I wasn't happy with
my ex, but I don't hate all men!" You may think a comment like this sounds
sisterly and supportive, or even funny, but it may strike your friend—who
could be feeling hopeful about her romantic future—as unbearably negative.
If you're in a bad place in your own romantic life, then keep that part
under wraps for now, and simply tell her, Listen, I've been out there for a
while. Maybe the two of us could lean on each other. Expressing support is
better than infecting her with anger, says Reynolds.
"It'll be tough to start over at your age."
While you may be trying to come across as understanding, this statement
sounds like you think your friend has missed her moment and that no one
wants to date an "old" divorcee like her. What's likely going on is that you
're worried for your friend—and possibly yourself, too. People tend to
impose their own fears on outside situations: What if it were me having to
start all over again? But the last thing you want to do is be a downer or to
invoke panic in your friend, says Reynolds. There is a way to express your
concerns tactfully—but only if she brings up the topic herself, says
Reynolds. "You can say, It might be tough, but if you want to find a new
relationship, I know you can."
"At least you didn't have kids!"
Sally* heard this from friends—and it stung. "It's like they were saying
that my divorce was 'easier.' Plus, the statement made me feel like more of
a failure, because we weren't married long enough for children to be an
issue." Though you're probably trying to put a positive spin on a bad
situation, says Honaman, you're off the mark for two reasons. One, her
divorce is undoubtedly painful to her, kids or no kids. And two, "You may be
opening up a whole other wound if your friend had wanted kids and didn't
have them before her marriage ended," says Reynolds. "Acknowledge her
feelings, and later, if she seems ready, you can help her see the benefit of
not having to deal with custody and co-parenting battles," says Honaman.
But in the moment, keep it to yourself.
*Names have been changed.
When you hear that a close friend is divorcing, you want to be nothing but
supportive. But when you combine the delicate subject matter with your own
mixed feelings (Is she making the right choice? Is my marriage in trouble
too?), it's easy to end up blurting out the wrong thing. You may mean to say
, I'm worried for you, but you end up saying, How will you take care of your
family now? "Friends try to be helpful, but their own fears and biases can
make their comments backfire," says Monique Honaman, author of The High Road
Has Less Traffic: Honest Advice on the Path through Love and Divorce. Here
are eight things you should avoid saying to a divorcing friend, plus helpful
words you should offer up instead.
"I knew it would happen eventually!"
This comment, along with the ever-popular You know, I never really liked him
, comes across as pessimistic and, worse, dismissive of your friend's entire
marriage, says Lisa Rene Reynolds, Ph.D., marital therapist and author of
Parenting Through Divorce: Helping Your Kids Thrive During and After the
Split. "She might think, Why didn't you tell me?" Your friend may even
suspect that you've never trusted her decisions. Not only that, but when you
say anything like I knew it, you're implying that you understand more than
she does about her own relationship—which is a major insult, says Reynolds.
Instead, if you mean I'm on your side, then say precisely that, suggests
Honaman. That will keep the focus on her. You might also ask what you can do
to help, such as offering to find a good therapist or attorney or taking
her out for a drink so she can vent.
"But he seemed like such a nice guy!"
Or, as Maria* heard from a friend after her divorce, "I feel sorry for your
ex-husband." While Maria knows that her friend didn't mean anything cruel,
it took her aback. That's because with a statement like this, again, can
sound like you think you know more about the marriage than your friend does
—and worse, that you're taking his side. Remember, even if they seemed like
the perfect couple, or he seemed like a top-notch spouse, outsiders (which
includes you!) never know the whole story. If you feel badly for her ex,
then don't lead with that. You might instead say, I'm sad for both of you,
but keep the focus on her, says Reynolds. It's fine to be supportive of the
guy, especially if you're close to them both. Just express your support
separately and keep it neutral. Stick to statements like, I'm sorry you're
going through this.
"I don't believe in divorce" or "Did you try hard enough?"
Christine* got this gut punch from a friend when she and her husband split.
"It made me feel as though I hadn't been devoted to my marriage or hadn't
made a big enough effort, which wasn't true," she says. And though you may
think you're helping your friend weigh all her options, there's almost no
way to read this type of comment as anything other than judgmental, says
Honaman. "You're foisting your own value system on your friend, which is
insulting." What if the divorce wasn't her idea, it was an abusive
relationship, or she tried—but failed—to get her husband into couples
therapy? Often, your own fear of divorce is behind comments like these, says
Honaman. "It might be your way of saying, It won't happen to us because we
don't believe in it! or We'll keep trying." The only thing you can say
instead is… nothing. Seriously, keep it to yourself.
"How are you going to take care of your family now?"
Divorced mother of four Margaret* heard a variation on this from friends. "
One said, 'You can't complain that it's hard to be a single parent, because
you asked for this.'" What stings here is that you're saying your friend isn
't "competent enough to go it alone," explains Reynolds. "Your friend is
likely already worried about supporting her family," she adds. It's better
to reframe your concerns in a softer way, says Honaman. Try Have you thought
about the house? Will you be able to stay home with the kids, or do you
need help finding a higher-paying job? Be solution-oriented, and if you can,
pitch in by babysitting her kids or revamping her résumé.
"You ruined our annual holiday celebration!"
The truth is that divorce doesn't just pull apart spouses; it changes
relationships with friends (like the other couples with whom you rented a
ski house) and family dynamics (think complicated holiday schedules with
grandparents). Still, this comment comes across as selfish, says Honaman. It
's not like she should stay with her husband solely to keep your social life
unruffled! It's fine to let her know that you're sad too, but don't make
her breakup about your woes. Instead, express willingness to be flexible.
Say something like, I guess we'll have to figure out what we're doing about
our usual New Year's bash, huh? suggests Reynolds.
"Good for you; men are useless anyway!"
One of Helen's* friends said exactly that, bitterly suggesting that they
throw themselves a man-bashing party. "It was shocking. I wasn't happy with
my ex, but I don't hate all men!" You may think a comment like this sounds
sisterly and supportive, or even funny, but it may strike your friend—who
could be feeling hopeful about her romantic future—as unbearably negative.
If you're in a bad place in your own romantic life, then keep that part
under wraps for now, and simply tell her, Listen, I've been out there for a
while. Maybe the two of us could lean on each other. Expressing support is
better than infecting her with anger, says Reynolds.
"It'll be tough to start over at your age."
While you may be trying to come across as understanding, this statement
sounds like you think your friend has missed her moment and that no one
wants to date an "old" divorcee like her. What's likely going on is that you
're worried for your friend—and possibly yourself, too. People tend to
impose their own fears on outside situations: What if it were me having to
start all over again? But the last thing you want to do is be a downer or to
invoke panic in your friend, says Reynolds. There is a way to express your
concerns tactfully—but only if she brings up the topic herself, says
Reynolds. "You can say, It might be tough, but if you want to find a new
relationship, I know you can."
"At least you didn't have kids!"
Sally* heard this from friends—and it stung. "It's like they were saying
that my divorce was 'easier.' Plus, the statement made me feel like more of
a failure, because we weren't married long enough for children to be an
issue." Though you're probably trying to put a positive spin on a bad
situation, says Honaman, you're off the mark for two reasons. One, her
divorce is undoubtedly painful to her, kids or no kids. And two, "You may be
opening up a whole other wound if your friend had wanted kids and didn't
have them before her marriage ended," says Reynolds. "Acknowledge her
feelings, and later, if she seems ready, you can help her see the benefit of
not having to deal with custody and co-parenting battles," says Honaman.
But in the moment, keep it to yourself.
*Names have been changed.
