Life is confusing, but what i want to say most about your post is that be
true to yourself and others. I can't say things for you. You know yourself
best.
These are raw emotions, they are complicating, confusing and are sometimes
not insync with our concious or subconcious. It takes alot time/ thinking/
experiencing/ condtioning to work around with how these feelings/ emotions
should come about. g'luck!