1.Whatever Works
Woody Allen has made his share of dreadful comedies (Hollywood Ending),
misogynistic grumpy-old-man movies (Deconstructing Harry) and many an off-
putting romance about dating someone less than half your age, but this is
the first time all three subcategories have converged to yield a single
unbearable fruit. It ends all discussion about what his worst film is. It’s
this. Larry David’s limping, sour literature professor could hardly be
worse company, even before he shacks up with Evan Rachel Wood’s dim-bulb
Southern nymphet and proceeds to patronise her, in cahoots with Allen’s
ghastly script, for the rest of the film.
2.The Lovely Bones
Hypothetical Oscar bait, until we actually got a look at it, Peter Jackson’
s stab at the Alice Sebold novel tried to shove the whole rape element under
the carpet. This just left us looking at the carpet itself, a hideous
digitised afterlife of endless kitsch.
3.Old Dogs
Barely anyone saw this surreally atrocious Robin Williams/John Travolta
harassed-father “comedy”, the kind of film you thank critics for suffering
through so you didn’t have to.
4.Alice in Wonderland
Very obviously blitzed in post-production to rush it onto the 3D bandwagon,
Tim Burton’s chaotic “reimagining” of the trippy classic capsized
horribly amid pointless battles and gurning star cameos.
5.The Last Airbender
Save for the immortal line “I always knew you were a bender”, M Night
Shyamalan’s opulently awful kiddie-comic fantasy adventure has already
disappeared into the cultural waste disposal.
6.Dinner for Schmucks
The Hollywood remake of the hit French comedy Le dîner de cons had a
shockingly poor script, gave Steve Carell his worst role ever as a gawky
freak and tarnished the winning streak of co-star Paul Rudd into the bargain.
7.The Girl Who Played with Fire
The whole Stieg Larsson phenomenon hit a nadir with this appalling second
movie, trimming the book in such a botched, frazzled way as to make it all
but incomprehensible. A tasteless fiasco, well beyond the others.
8.The Last Station
Masterpiece cinema this beige always bags a few acting nominations, so Helen
Mirren and Christopher Plummer got some spurious credit for making it. But
did we have any other reason to watch it? These squabbling Tolstoys and
their stilted histrionics were conceited and exasperating.
9.Motherhood
About three people paid to see this, so might be in a position to clarify
what it even was. Uma Thurman’s stressed Manhattanite has a Van der Graaf
hair day, ignores her children and taps out a blog. That was about it.
10.Knight and Day
Nothing wrong with an A-list action-romance, except when it’s as shoddily
put-together as this, and dominated by Cameron Diaz shrieking.