TED演讲丨我的儿子枪杀了12名学生和1名教师

我最后一次听到儿子的声音，是他走出大门准备去学校的时候。他在黑暗中大喊了一个字：「拜！」

It was April 20, 1999. Later that morning, at Columbine High School, my son Dylan and his friend Eric killed 12 students and a teacher and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives. 

那天是1999年四月二十日。后来那天早上在科伦拜高中，我的儿子迪伦和他的朋友艾瑞克在自杀之前，杀害了十二名学生及一名老师并伤了超过二十个人。

Thirteen innocent people were killed, leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma. Others sustained injuries, some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability. 

十三位无辜的人被杀，留给他们挚爱的人悲恸与创伤。其他受伤的人，有的毁容或终身残疾。

But the enormity of the tragedy can't be measured only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place. There's no way to quantify the psychological damage of those who were in the school, or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts.

但这滔天巨难，无法仅用伤亡的数字来衡量。我们无法量化当时在校的人，或参与抢救及善后的人所受到的心理伤害。

There's no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine, especially when it can be a blueprint for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own. Columbine was a tidal wave, and when the crash ended, it would take years for the community and for society to comprehend its impact.

我们无法评估像科伦拜这种惨剧的严重性，特别是它之后成为其他枪手起而效尤的蓝图。科伦拜的事件就像一股浪潮，在巨大的冲击过后，被影响的社区及社会要花好多年才能理解这波冲击的影响。

It has taken me years to try to accept my son's legacy. The cruel behavior that defined the end of his life showed me that he was a completely different person from the one I knew. Afterwards people asked, "How could you not know? What kind of a mother were you?" I still ask myself those same questions.

我花了好多年去试着接受儿子遗留下来的惨剧。他在结束生命前所做的残酷行为，让我了解这不是我所认识的他。在那之后有人问：「你怎么可能不知道？你是什么样的母亲？」我至今仍问自己同样的问题。

Before the shootings, I thought of myself as a good mom. Helping my children become caring, healthy, responsible adults was the most important role of my life. But the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a parent, and it's partially this sense of failure that brings me here today. Aside from his father, I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most. If anyone could have known what was happening, it should have been me, right? But I didn't know.

在枪击案之前，我以为自己是好妈妈。协助我的孩子成为有爱心、健康、负责任的大人，是我生命中最重要的角色。但是这场悲剧让我认为自己是一位失败的母亲，而这种失败的感觉也是我今天站在这里的部分原因。除了他父亲之外，我是最了解最爱迪伦的人。如果有人能事先知道会发生什么，那个人应该是我，对吧？但是我不知道。

Today, I'm here to share the experience of what it's like to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts. For years after the tragedy, I combed through memories, trying to figure out exactly where I failed as a parent.But there are no simple answers. I can't give you any solutions. All I can do is share what I have learned.

今天，我在这里分享身为凶手的母亲是什么样的感觉。惨案过后的这些年，我细细整理记忆，试着搞清楚我哪里做错了，导致我成为失败的母亲。但是这个问题却没有一个简单的答案。我不能给你任何解答。我能做的就是分享我所学到的事情。

When I talk to people who didn't know me before the shootings, I have three challenges to meet. First, when I walk into a room like this, I never know if someone there has experienced loss because of what my son did.I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering caused by a member of my family who isn't here to do it for himself. So first, with all of my heart, I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.

当我对枪案发生前不认识我的人演讲时，我面对三个挑战。第一，当我走进像这样的演讲厅，我不知道在座是否有人因为我儿的所作所为，而经历丧亲之痛。我觉得我有必要接受这种因为我的家人而造成的痛苦，即使他现在不能亲自做这件事。所以首先，若是我的儿子造成你的痛苦，我全心全意的在此致歉。

The second challenge I have is that I must ask for understanding and even compassion when I talk about my son's death as a suicide. Two years before he died, he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook that he was cutting himself. He said that he was in agony and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life. I didn't know about any of this until months after his death.

我的第二项挑战，是当我要说我儿子是自杀死的，我必须请求大家的谅解甚至同情。他过世前两年，他在笔记本的纸上写着他在割自己。他说他很苦恼而且想要找把枪了结自己。我一直到他死后几个月才知道这件事情。

When I talk about his death as a suicide, I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed at the end of his life. I'm trying to understand how his suicidal thinking led to murder. After a lot of reading and talking with experts, I have come to believe that his involvement in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to kill but in his desire to die.

当我说他的死因是自杀时，我不是在试着淡化他在自我了结时显示的残酷。我是在尝试了解他的自杀念头怎么变成谋杀。在读了很多文章并跟专家交谈后，我开始相信他参与这场枪击案的原因不是因为他想杀人，而是他渴望着死去。

The third challenge I have when I talk about my son's murder-suicide is that I'm talking about mental health -- excuse me -- is that I'm talking about mental health, or brain health, as I prefer to call it, because it's more concrete. And in the same breath, I'm talking about violence. The last thing I want to do is to contribute to the misunderstanding that already exists around mental illness.

我谈到儿子的「杀人后自尽」所面临的第三个挑战，是我在谈心理健康──抱歉──是我在谈心理健康，我比较喜欢称它为脑部健康，因为这样说起来更具体。然而紧接着，我又在谈暴力。我最不想做的，就是对精神疾病已有的成见再添上一笔成见。

Only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness are violent toward other people, but of those who die by suicide, it's estimated that about 75 to maybe more than 90 percent have a diagnosable mental health condition of some kind.

只有极少比例的精神疾病患者对别人有暴力倾向，但是那些自杀的人，估计有 75%，甚至超过 90% 患有可被诊断出的精神问题。

As you all know very well, our mental health care system is not equipped to help everyone, and not everyone with destructive thoughts fits the criteria for a specific diagnosis. Many who have ongoing feelings of fear or anger or hopelessness are never assessed or treated.

你们都很清楚，我们的精神健康照护系统无法帮助每一个人，而且不是每一个具破坏性思想的人都符合特定诊疗标淮。很多持续感觉恐惧或生气或无望的人，从未经历评估或治疗。

Too often, they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis. If estimates are correct that about one to two percent of all suicides involves the murder of another person, when suicide rates rise, as they are rising for some populations, the murder-suicide rates will rise as well.

常见的状况是，我们在他们出现行为危机时才会注意到他们。如果估计是正确的，约有百分之一或二的自杀事件中会涉及谋杀另外一个人。现在某些族群中，当自杀率升高时，杀人后自尽的比率也跟着升高。

I wanted to understand what was going on in Dylan's mind prior to his death, so I looked for answers from other survivors of suicide loss. I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising events, and whenever I could, I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis or attempt.

我想了解迪伦死前脑中到底在想什么，所以我从自杀幸存者中寻找答案。我做研究，也去当募款活动志工，我一有机会，就会跟自杀未遂的人交谈。

One of the most helpful conversations I had was with a coworker who overheard me talking to someone else in my office cubicle. She heard me say that Dylan could not have loved me if he could do something as horrible as he did. Later, when she found me alone, she apologized for overhearing that conversation, but told me that I was wrong. She said that when she was a young, single mother with three small children, she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe.

其中一场极有帮助的交谈，是我的一位同事在我的办公室隔间无意中听见我跟别人的谈话。她听到我说迪伦并不爱我，因为他做了这么可怕的事。之后，当她发现没人在我旁边时，她跟我道歉说她偷听到那场对话，然后跟我说我错了。她说她以前曾是年轻的单亲妈妈，并且有三个小孩，她变得严重抑郁，且为了生命安全而住院。

At the time, she was certain that her children would be better off if she died, so she had made a plan to end her life. She assured me that a mother's love was the strongest bond on Earth, and that she loved her children more than anything in the world, but because of her illness, she was sure that they would be better off without her.

那个时候，她很确信如果她死了，她的小孩会过得更好，所以她计画要了结生命。她跟我保证母爱是世上最强的联系，她爱她的孩子超过世上任何东西，但是因为她的病，她确信没有她他们会过得更好。

What she said and what I've learned from others is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice to die by suicide in the same way that we choose what car to drive or where to go on a Saturday night. When someone is in an extremely suicidal state, they are in a stage four medical health emergency. Their thinking is impaired and they've lost access to tools of self-governance. Even though they can make a plan and act with logic, their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain through which they interpret their reality.

从她所说及我从其他人身上学到的，是我们对所谓自杀的决定或选择，跟我们选择要开什么车或星期六晚上要去哪里玩不一样。当某人处在极度想自杀的状态，他们就属于美国检伤分类的「紧急」情况。他们的思考受损，并失去自我管理能力。就算他们能制定计画并且依照逻辑行动，他们对真相的感受会被痛苦扭曲，并用痛苦的眼光看待现实。有些人很会隐藏这种状态，而且他们通常都有很好的理由这么做。

Some people can be very good at hiding this state, and they often have good reasons for doing that. Many of us have suicidal thoughts at some point, but persistent, ongoing thoughts of suicide and devising a means to die are symptoms of pathology, and like many illnesses, the condition has to be recognized and treated before a life is lost.

很多人都曾经有过自杀的念头，但是持续不断的自杀念头，并且策划死亡方法是一种病征。这就像许多疾病一样，我们必须在失去另一条生命前，认出并治疗这种状况。

But my son's death was not purely a suicide. It involved mass murder. I wanted to know how his suicidal thinking became homicidal. But research is sparse and there are no simple answers. Yes, he probably had ongoing depression. He had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant, and that made him less likely to seek help from others. He had experienced triggering events at the school that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad.

但是我儿子的死并非单纯的自杀。它还牵涉了屠杀。我想知道他的自杀念头怎么变成滥杀的念头。但是这方面的研究很少，也没有简单的答案。是的，他大概有持续性的忧郁症。他有完美主义及独立自主的个性，而这些使他不太可能寻求别人的帮助。他在学校经历数个导火线事件，让他感到被贬低、受辱及愤怒。

And he had a complicated friendship with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation, and who was seriously disturbed, controlling and homicidal. And on top of this period in his life of extreme vulnerability and fragility, Dylan found access to guns even though we'd never owned any in our home.

而且他和另一个男生有复杂的友谊关系，这个同学会和他诉说他感受到的愤怒及疏离感，且这个同学受人厌有控制欲并有杀人的倾向。在这段他处于极度脆弱状态的期间，迪伦有机会取得枪枝，即使我们家从来没有这种东西。

It was appallingly easy for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns, both legally and illegally, without my permission or knowledge. And somehow, 17 years and many school shootings later, it's still appallingly easy.

很显然的，一位 17 岁男孩非常容易购买枪枝，无论合法或不合法，都不需要我的同意或确认。17 年过去了，这期间又发生过许多起校园枪击案，购买枪枝仍然是件容易的事。

What Dylan did that day broke my heart, and as trauma so often does, it took a toll on my body and on my mind. Two years after the shootings, I got breast cancer, and two years after that, I began to have mental health problems. On top of the constant, perpetual grief I was terrified that I would run into a family member of someone Dylan had killed, or be accosted by the press or by an angry citizen. I was afraid to turn on the news, afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting person.

迪伦那天所做的事让我心碎，就像经历创伤常常有的后果，它使我身心俱疲。枪案二年后，我得了乳癌，再两年之后，我开始出现精神问题。除了源源不绝的悲痛，我还非常害怕会碰到被害人的家属，或是媒体或忿怒的老百姓来搭话。我害怕打开新闻，好怕听到我被人叫成可怕的母亲或可憎的人。

I started having panic attacks. The first bout started four years after the shootings, when I was getting ready for the depositions and would have to meet the victims' families face to face. The second round started six years after the shootings, when I was preparing to speak publicly about murder-suicide for the first time at a conference. Both episodes lasted several weeks. The attacks happened everywhere: in the hardware store, in my office, or even while reading a book in bed.

我开始出现恐慌发作。第一次发作是在枪案后第四年发生，当时我淮备要作证并与被害人的家属面对面的相见。第二次发作是在枪击案后第六年，当时我淮备要在研讨会上公开演说有关于杀人后自尽的事情。两次发作都持续几个星期。恐慌在任何地方都有可能发作：在五金器材行、办公室、甚至在床上阅读都会。

My mind would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror and no matter how I hard I tried to calm myself down or reason my way out of it, I couldn't do it. It felt as if my brain was trying to kill me, and then, being afraid of being afraid consumed all of my thoughts.That's when I learned firsthand what it feels like to have a malfunctioning mind, and that's when I truly became a brain health advocate. With therapy and medication and self-care, life eventually returned to whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances.

我的心会突然陷入一阵阵的恐惧，无论我多努力尝试安抚自己或说服自己脱离恐惧，我就是做不到。这个感觉就像是我的脑子要把我杀掉，然后，对恐惧的恐惧吞噬了我所有的思考。那是我第一次感受到有一个无法正常运作的头脑是什么样的感觉，这也是促使我成为脑部健康倡导者的时刻。透过治疗、药物及自我护理，生活终于回到在当时的情况下能够称为正常的状态。

When I looked back on all that had happened, I could see that my son's spiral into dysfunction probably occurred over a period of about two years, plenty of time to get him help, if only someone had known that he needed help and known what to do.

我回头看过去发生的一切，我可以看到我的儿子在大概两年的时间内急遽失能。要是有人知道他需要帮助，也知道怎么帮忙他，两年其实是一段足够的时间。

Every time someone asks me, "How could you not have known?", it feels like a punch in the gut. It carries accusation and taps into my feelings of guilt that no matter how much therapy I've had I will never fully eradicate. But here's something I've learned: if love were enough to stop someone who is suicidal from hurting themselves, suicides would hardly ever happen. But love is not enough, and suicide is prevalent.

每次有人问我，「你怎么可能不知道？」我就像肚子被狠狠的揍了一拳。这句话带着指控，狠狠的刺进我的罪恶感。而无论我去做多少治疗，也无法完全抹去这个罪恶感。但是我学到一点：如果爱足以让某人打消自杀念头，不去伤害别人，自杀就不容易发生了。但是有爱还不够，而自杀也很普遍。

It's the second leading cause of death for people age 10 to 34, and 15 percent of American youth report having made a suicide plan in the last year. I've learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can, we cannot know or control everything our loved ones think and feel, and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different, that someone we love would never think of hurting themselves or someone else, can cause us to miss what's hidden in plain sight.

自杀是 10 岁到 34 岁的人第二大死因。而 15% 的美国青少年表示在过去一年曾有自杀计画。我学到无论我们多想相信我们做得到，我们其实不知道或不能控制所爱之人的思想及感觉，而我们执着地相信自己跟别人不同，我们所爱的人绝不会想伤害自己或别人。这会让我们看不见隐藏在光天化日下的事实。

 And if worst case scenarios do come to pass, we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing or for not asking the right questions or not finding the right treatment. We should always assume that someone we love may be suffering, regardless of what they sayor how they act. We should listen with our whole being, without judgments, and without offering solutions.

如果最坏的情况真的发生了，我们必须学习原谅自己不知道，或没有问到对的问题，或没有找到适合的治疗方式。我们应该假设某位所爱的人可能正处在痛苦中，不论他们说什么或表现出什么。我们应该用心听，但不要论断，也不要给予解决方法。

I know that I will live with this tragedy, with these multiple tragedies, for the rest of my life. I know that in the minds of many, what I lost can't compare to what the other families lost. I know my struggle doesn't make theirs any easier. I know there are even some who think I don't have the right to any pain, but only to a life of permanent penance.

我知道我会带着这个悲剧活下去，带着这些悲剧渡过馀生。我知道在许多人心中，我失去的无法跟其它家庭失去的比较。我知道我的挣扎也不能让他们好过一点。我知道有人甚至认为我根本没有痛苦的权利，只有无穷无尽的忏悔。

In the end what I know comes down to this: the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and responsible of us may not be able to help, but for love's sake, we must never stop trying to know the unknowable.Thank you.

最后我所认知到的是：不幸的事实是，我们就算再警觉再负责，也有可能帮不上忙。但是为了爱的缘故，我们绝不可停止尝试去了解现实背后的未知情形。谢谢。