TED演讲｜2023情人节，怎样在约会软件上找到真爱？

How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps

大学一年级时，我第一次尝试网上约会，那是在2001年，我承认这么说有些暴露年龄。

Now, as you may have noticed, I'm six-feet tall, and when I arrived at my chosen university and realized our men's Division III basketball team averaged five-foot-eight, I abandoned the on-campus scene and went online.

你可能已注意到我的身高有一米八，当我进入大学校园时，就意识到校男子篮球队（第三区）队员的平均身高也才一米七多点儿，所以就当机立断放弃校园约会，而选择了网上约会。

Now, back then, online dating was pretty close to the plot of You've Got Mail. You'd write long emails back and forth for weeks, before you finally met up in real life. Except, in my case, you'd realize you have no chemistry and so now, you're back to square one.

那会儿的网上约会，像极了电影《电子情书》里的情节。你会连续好几周写很多很长的邮件，才最终决定约出来见面。除了在我的例子里，意识到俩人根本不来电后，一切又回到原点。

So, while online dating has changed a lot in the last 17 years, many of the frustrations remain the same. Because here's what it does well. It broadens your pool of potential dates beyond your existing social and professional circles. And here's what it doesn't do well. Literally everything else.

虽然过去17年里网上约会已经改变了很多。但其中很多问题依然存在。以下是网约软件做得好的地方：它超越你现有的社交和工作圈，拓宽了潜在约会对象群；这是它做的不好的地方：除了以上那条之外的所有方面。

A few things you should know about me: I'm an action-oriented overachieving math and theater nerd, who ended up with an MBA. So, when things aren't working out, I tend to take a step back, apply my business toolkit to figure out why, and to fix it. My love life was no exception.

我先做个自我介绍：我是一个行动派，数学超好，而且是个戏剧迷。还有一个工商管理硕士学位。所以当事情发展不顺时，我一般会选择以退为进，运用我的商业技能工具找出问题并解决它。我的感情生活也不例外。

The summer before I turned 30, I took myself on a relationship off-site. Which means I went camping solo in Maine for a week, to do a retro on my track record of mediocre relationships. Because the thing was, I knew what I wanted in a partner. Kindness, curiosity, empathy, a sense of purpose. And yet, here's what I chose for online:

在我即将30岁那一个夏天，我给自己的感情生活放了个假。去缅因州独自露营了一周，回顾了自己平凡的感情经历。事实是，我很清楚自己想要什么样的伴侣。善良、有好奇心、同理心，还要心怀大志。但是，我在网上写的要求却是这样的：

Ivy League degree, six feet or taller, lives within 12 subway stops of me. It's not that I intentionally prioritized those things, it's just the easiest to vet for online. It kind of is like a résumé review, which is why these guys looked great on paper and never quite fit me.

常青藤大学毕业、身高一米八或以上，与我居住的地方距离不超过12个地铁站。我不是故意要把那些东西摆在首位，而是这样的描述在网上最容易筛查。它类似于一种简历的审阅，这就是为什么这些男人把自己写得那么棒，却始终不适合我。

So when I went back online in the spring of 2016, I decided to reengineer the process through some classic business tools. First, I went to OkCupid, because I wanted to avoid the gamification of swipe-based apps. And also, because I wanted a writing sample. Next, I set up a sales funnel, throwing out any sense of my type, and instead defining the criteria that would qualify a lead.

所以2016年春季，我再次回归网上约会时，我决定用经典的商业手段来调整我的作战策略。首先我登陆了OkCupid，因为我不想再用那些像游戏一样、需要不停滑动手机屏幕的软件，而且还因为，我想要一份写作样本。接着我建立了一个销售漏斗模型，列出了我想要的方方面面，并且直接提供了符合要求的参考标准。

An inbound message had to do three things: had to be written in complete sentences and with good grammar; it had to reference something in my profile, so I know it's not a copy-and-paste situation; and it had to avoid all sexual content. I figured this was a pretty low bar, but it turns out, of my 210 inbound messages, only 14 percent cleared that hurdle.

给我私信可以，但要做到三件事：句子完整而语法无误，还须提到我的个人简介里的一些内容，以此证明这不是复制粘贴，并且还不能出现色情内容。我想这门槛已经很低了吧，但事实证明，在收到的210条私信里，只有14%的人全部符合要求。

Next, I wanted to meet in real life as quickly as possible, because the things I cared about, I couldn't see online. But the research, and my experience, shows you only need about 30 seconds with someone to tell if you click.

接下来，我要在现实生活中尽快见到他们，因为网上看不出他们是否具备我所在意的那些品质。但根据研究以及自身经验得出，你跟某人在一起只需要30秒，就能确定彼此来不来电。

So I invented the zero date. The zero date is one drink, one hour. With the goal of answering one question: Would I like to have dinner with this person? Not are they the one? Literally, Would I like to spend three hours across the tablefrom this person?

所以我发明了“零次约会”。意思就是：一杯饮料、一个小时。目的就为了回答一个问题：“我想和这个人共进晚餐吗？”而非“他们是我要找的人吗？”真的只是，“我想和他在餐桌旁呆三小时吗？”

You tell them you have a hard stop -- drinks with girlfriends, a conference call with China -- it doesn't matter, they don't know you. The point is one hour. If it's awesome, you schedule a first date. And if it's not awesome, you downshift into entertainer mode and you workshop a few new stories for your next networking event.

要提前说好，时间一到就要立即停止——说约了别的女性朋友也好，与中国那边有个视像会议也罢——这些都不重要，他们根本无从考证。关键是这一小时。如果感觉很棒的话，那就计划第一次约会；如果感觉不好的话，那就权且当作娱乐，为下次网约添几个新段子而已。

Plus, because it's just an hour, you can squeeze up to three in one evening and then you only have to do your hair and pick out one great outfit a week.

另外，因为仅仅只有一个小时，所以你一晚上可以约三个人，唯一要做的就是弄好发型，然后选一套一周里最好看的衣服。

The zero date also gave me a chance to see how they responded to me asking them out. I figured not everyone would dig my moxie, and I was right. Of my 29 qualified leads, only 15 replied to my message, and of those, six scheduled a zero date.

零次约会还能让我看到对方面对我的邀约会作何反应。我猜想，不会每个人都吃我这一套，而事实证明我猜对了。在精心挑选的29个人里，只有15个人回了我的短信，而在这15个人里，只有6人和我进行了“零次约会”。

My first zero date was with a set designer. And we were both into yoga and preferred our bagels with peanut butter, so it looked pretty promising. But two minutes in, I could tell it wasn't going to be a thing and I was relieved not to be spending dinner with him. After that, I was a little nervous about going to my next zero date.

我第一次“零次约会”的对象是一名布景设计师。我们都喜欢练瑜伽，都喜欢吃花生酱味的百吉饼，所以这一切看起来都挺有希望的。但两分钟之后我感觉没什么戏了，不用跟他吃晚餐，让我松了一口气。之后我对第二次的“零次约会“有些紧张。

But we had agreed to meet on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade with a flask of whiskey to watch the sunset, and honestly, it was two blocks from my apartment. Plus, this guy had a podcast, I have a podcast, worst case scenario, we can talk about our podcasts.

但我们已经约好了在布鲁克林高地步道见面，带上威士忌、一起欣赏日落。实话说，约会地点离我的公寓只有两个街区。而且，他有播客，我也有，所以，最糟糕的情况也不过是聊聊彼此的播客。

Then, Chas set down next to me. And this kind and empathetic man told great jokes and asked even better questions.He was a lawyer and a writer, and his eyes twinkled when he laughed and they squeezed tight when I kissed him and at some point in the evening, our zero date became a first date. And two years later, we have a washer, dryer and two house plants together.

然后，查斯在我身边坐下，这个善良、富有同理心的男人讲了很棒的笑话，还问了更好的问题。他是一名律师兼作家，笑得时候眼睛都闪烁着光芒，在我亲他的时候，又会紧紧闭上，所以某种程度上，当晚的“零次约会”成了我们的“第一次约会”。两年以后，我们拥有了共同的洗衣机、吹风机和两盆室内盆栽。

Now, I can't promise you're going to end up with house plants. But the point of this story is that online dating doesn't have to suck. Don't treat it like a game, and don't treat it like a resume review.

我不能保证你们最后也会有两盆室内盆栽，但我想说的是，网上约会不一定总会很差劲。不要把它当作一种游戏，但也不要像筛简历一样。

Instead, use it to source and qualify leads and then get offline as quickly as possible with the zero date. Because the point of this isn't swiping. It's finding your person.Good luck.

相反，要把它当作搜集优质人选的过程，然后尽快进行线下的“零次约会”，因为网上约会的目的不是滑动手机屏幕而已，而是找到那个对的人。祝大家好运。