TED演讲｜那些限制你的执念，才是你不幸的根源！

Don't Believe Everything You Think

这只大象有很不可思议的力气，他只用象鼻就能把树连根拔起。但他却仍然被一条细绳给囚禁着。尽管他有能力可以轻易挣脱，他却试也不试。为什么？这要从他年轻时说起。他很小时就被绑住，当时的力气还不足以扯断绳子。

She'll try at first, try as hard as she can to break free, and try and try, but eventually realize she can't. Suddenly, something attaches itself to her that is stronger than any rope or chain or fence. It's the belief that she can't break free. It's this belief that holds her back - despite her ability.

一开始他会尝试，尽力去挣脱，一试再试，最终，他了解到自己办不到。突然间，某种比绳子、铁链、栅栏都还要强的东西跟他紧系在一起了。就是相信自己无法挣脱的执念。是这种执念限制了他——尽管他有能力。

I've had these same beliefs - you may have too - beliefs that held me back, beliefs that led me to feel unfulfilled in my work, to struggle in my relationships and to live a life that was far from the one I am living now. It was only when I became aware of my ropes and actively pulled against them that I found myself in a different reality. How do you break the ropes that tie you down? Don't believe everything you think. When I was six years old, I had a favorite baby sitter, Amber.

我也有类似的执念——你们可能也有——这些执念限制了我，这些执念让我在工作上不得志，在人际关系中挣扎，且过着和现在相去甚远的生活。直到我意识到束缚我的那些绳子，并主动去对抗它们，我才发现了一个不同的现实。你要如何挣脱绑住你的绳子？别尽信你所有的想法。我六岁时，我最爱的褓姆是安柏。

One morning, my mother told me we couldn't have her babysit because she didn't have enough money to pay her. So that afternoon, I started my first company. I gathered rocks from around the neighborhood, painted them with my art set, and went door to door, selling them to our neighbors. That night, it was Amber and I on the couch together. When I was young, I was bold, outgoing and fearless. I wore what I wanted or didn't want to wear, guided by my own voice that told me what would make me happy.

有一天早上，我母亲告诉我，我们不能再让她当褓姆了，因为我母亲没有足够的钱请她。那天下午，我成立了我的第一间公司。我从住家附近收集石头，用我的彩色笔做彩绘，接着，挨家挨户拜访，将它们销售给邻居。那晚，我如愿和安柏一起坐在沙发上。我小时候很大胆、外向、无惧。我想穿什么就穿什么，或者不想穿上任何衣服，听从内心的声音去做让自己快乐的事。

I was also in love. His name was Fernando, and he was wonderful. As with everything else, I wasn't afraid to grab him with both hands. (Laughter) As I grew older, this picture started to fade. My exuberance was replaced with timidness, my leadership with conformity, my boldness with fear. I don't think any of us leave childhood without some ropes despite our parents' best intentions. I grew up with a mother who was determined to give me the perfect life.

我也恋爱了。他的名字叫佛南多，他很棒。外向大胆如故，我不怕用双手搂抱他。（笑声）随着我长大，这个画面开始淡去。我的热情活力被胆怯取代，我的领导能力被顺从取代，我的大胆被恐惧取代。尽管我们父母出于善意，我想大家或多或少都还是带着一些绳子长大。成长过程中，母亲决心要给我一个完美的人生。

Armed with love and good intentions, she did everything for me to help me be perfect. I'd pack a suitcase to go on a school trip, and she'd unpack it and repack it in a more perfect way. I'd be ready to turn in a school art project, and then she'd add her own brush strokes to make it better. Later she told me when my choice of boyfriend or apartment wasn't good enough. Although she just wanted what was best for me, I stopped knowing what was best for me.

带着爱和好意，她为了帮我达到完美，什么都做了。为了学校旅行，我打包了一个行李箱，而她会把东西都拿出来，再重新打包得更完美。我准备好要交一篇学校的美术作品，她会帮我加上几笔让作品变更好。之后她告诉我，我选男友或公寓的品味不够好。虽然她只是想要给我最好的，我却不再知道什么才是对我最好的。

An unconscious rope was formed. I shouldn't trust my own voice and my own ability, and I feared not being perfect. Other ropes attached themselves too. I grew up in a family filled with yelling, loud voices and strong opinions. To keep the peace, I learned to stay quiet, to not rock the boat, to become invisible. In school, I came to believe it's more important to blend in than stand out. And the pain of an early heartbreak led me to hold back in my relationships so I could avoid getting hurt. I'm not good enough. Don't speak up. Don't stand out.

一条无意识的绳子形成了。我不应该相信我自己的声音、我自己的能力，我害怕无法做到完美。其他绳子也相继出现了。我在充满了吼叫、大声说话、表达强烈意见的家庭中成长。为了保持和平，我学会不作声，不要惹事生非，变成隐形人。在学校，我渐渐相信，融入比突出更重要。早期尝到心碎的痛苦，让我在谈恋爱时有所保留，才能避免受伤。我不够好。不要畅所欲言。不要突显自己。

Fear failure. These were my ropes. This isn't just my story. Like the elephant, we all come to believe certain things in childhood that weren't true - or at least are no longer true. But we still live with them as if they are. If you've ever felt not good enough, alone, unwanted, unloved, invisible, powerless, like you don't belong - these are your ropes. If you've ever felt you can't trust yourself, trust others, speak up, stand out, ask for help, let others in, be accepted as you are - these are your ropes. These ropes hold us back.

害怕失败。这些是我的绳子。这不只是我的故事。就像那只大象，在童年我们都渐渐相信某些事，但那些事并非真的——或至少不再是真的。但我们仍把它们当真在过日子。如果你曾经觉得自己不够好、孤单、没有人要、没有人爱、不被看见、无能力、没有归属感——这些就是你的绳子。如果你曾经觉得你无法相信自己、相信别人、勇于发声、表现自己、寻求协助、让他人进来、让真正的自己被接受——这些是你的绳子。这些绳子会限制住我们。

I found myself defaulting to others' opinions when I should have been trusting my own, staying quiet when it would have benefited me to speak up, and blending in when I would have been happier if I had to courage to stand out. This led me into a series of jobs that ranged from tolerable to miserable. In one, I hoped I'd get sick so I could stay home from work. It led me into a series of relationships in which I lacked confidence in myself, the other person and the relationship. These never worked out.

当我应该相信我自己的意见时，我却顺从他人的意见；发表意见会对自己较有益时，我却保持沉默；有勇气站出来我其实会更快乐时，我却选择了融入。这导致一连串我做过的工作，从可容忍的到很糟糕的都有。其中一份工作，我希望自己能生病请假，这样就不用去上班。这也导致我陷入一连串无法信任自己、对方以及这段关系的困境中。这些关系都无法成功。

My beliefs affected the way I perceived the world, which changed how I acted, which led to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt small, and my world became smaller. What we believe has powerful effects. Decades of social psychology research backs this up. In a study performed at Dartmouth College, an ugly scar was placed on participants' faces with makeup. They were then sent into a room for a conversation and asked to report how people responded to them with this ugly scar. But here is the twist. Right before they left, the experimenter said, "Hold on a minute! We just want to touch up your scar a bit." Rather than touch it up, they removed it entirely.

我的执念影响我看世界的角度，这就会改变我的行为，导致了自证预言。我觉得自己很渺小，我的世界就越变越小了。我们的信念有很强大的影响力。有数十年的社会心理学研究可以证明。在达特茅斯学院进行的一项研究用化妆的方式在受试者的脸上加上一道丑陋的疤痕。接着，送他们到房间去与人交谈，并要求他们回报别人对这丑陋疤痕有什么反应。但，有个小花样。在他们离开化妆室前，实验者说：「等一下！我们想要修饰一下你的疤痕。」但他们并不是修饰，而是把疤痕完全拿掉。

So unbeknownst to them, the participants went into their conversations, looking completely normal. Despite this, they came back and reported how awkward their conversations were, how people avoided looking at their scar, had trouble making eye contact, and were tense and uncomfortable in the conversation. Their beliefs about their scar led them to see things that weren't really there and to make meaning of innocent behavior. What could have been a perfectly normal conversation instead became an awkward one.

受试者并不知道，接着便去参与交谈，外表看起来完全正常。尽管如此，他们回来时仍然回报了他们的谈话有多尴尬，对方如何避免看着他们的疤痕，眼神交流有障碍，在交谈中很紧绷、不舒服。他们相信自己有疤的执念，让他们看见这些根本不存在的事，替对方单纯的行为强赋予意义。本应是完全正常的交谈，却变得很尴尬。

Their beliefs created their reality. Other studies show the same effect. Highlight an Asian woman's Asian identity before a math test, she'll perform better. Highlight her female identity, she'll perform worse. Lead a group of men to believe an athletic task is diagnostic of sports intelligence, white men perform better. Lead them to believe it'd diagnostic of natural athletic ability, black men do.

他们的执念造出他们的真实。其他研究也证明了同样的影响。在亚洲女子参与数学测验之前就强调出她的亚洲身分，会让她表现更佳。若强调她的女性身分，会让她表现变差。引导一群男性相信一项体育任务的表现可判断其运动智慧的话，白人的表现会较佳。引导他们相信这项任务可判断其天生的体育能力，则黑人的表现会较佳。

Give someone a white coat and tell them it's a doctor's lab coat, they'll perform better on an attention task than when told it's a painter's coat. In all of these cases, same people, same abilities, same tasks - different beliefs. And in each case, it was their belief that raised or lowered their performance.

给某个人一件白色大衣并告诉他这是医生的白袍，他们在注意力任务的表现会比说它是画家的画袍时更佳。在所有这些例子中，都是同样的人、同样的能力、同样的任务——不同的信念。在每个例子中，都是他们的信念在提升或降低他们的表现。

How you see yourself and your circumstances will affect what you see, how you act, and what occurs as a result. It's almost as if our beliefs place a virtual reality headset on us, (Laughter) a headset that allows us to see things that aren't really there and sends us into a false reality. We have these headsets even when they're miles from the truth. I remember hearing the top model Cameron Russell share how models, despite having the shiniest hair and the longest legs, are some of the most physically insecure people on the planet. And award-winning author Lidia Yuknavitch shared how she didn't follow up on the literary representation she was offered early in her career.

你如何看待自己以及你的境况，会影响你的所见、所为，以及产生的结果。就好像我们的信念会帮我们戴上一副虚拟现实的头戴眼镜，（笑声）这眼镜会让我们看到不存在的东西，带我们进入虚假的现实中。尽管和真相差了十万八千里，我们依然带着这些眼镜。我记得曾听过顶尖模特儿卡麦隆‧罗素分享，她说尽管模特儿有最闪亮的头发和最长的腿，她们却是地球上对身体最没安全感的人。得奖作家莉迪亚‧约克娜薇琪分享了她在职涯初期未能把握住别人给她的一个文学表现机会。

The reason in her words: "We don't always know how to hope or say yes or choose the big thing, even when it's right in front of us. It's the shame we carry. The shame of not believing we deserve it." Our headsets have us living into a false reality. They also cause us to bump into each other. Once, I'd been dating someone for a few weeks. We'll call him Ben.

引述她的话，理由是：「我们不见得知道要如何去期望、答应或者选择这个大好机会，即使它就在我们眼前。是因为我们自惭形秽。觉得自己不值得拥有它。我们的眼镜让我们生活在虚假的现实中。也造成我们彼此的冲撞。曾经，我和一个人已约会了几周，我们称他为班。

We talked every day. Then he went on a work trip. For four days, silence. I didn't hear a word. How would you interpret this? What's the first thought that pops in your head? My beliefs led me to wonder what I had done or said to make this once enthusiastic person change his mind about me. I shared his silence with friends. One, who admits she has trouble trusting people, was sure he was on this trip with another woman.

我们每天都会聊天。接着，他出差去了。整整四天，音讯全无。连个只字词组都没有。你会如何解读？你脑海中浮现的第一个想法是什么？我的执念让我认为是我做了什么或说了什么造成这个热情的人改变了他对我的观感。我和朋友们谈到他的音讯全无。其中一位自认无法信任他人的朋友，她就很肯定他这趟出差是和另一个女人同行。

Another, who admits she's afraid of rejection, guessed he was probably upset because I hadn't invited him as my date to an upcoming wedding. And a third, who has trouble with commitment, guessed he probably thought we were moving too fast and was taking some space. Each person saw the same situation through the lens of their own headset. Who was right? How should I respond? Each of these assumptions leads to a different response. Moving too fast? - I should pull back. But if he's feeling rejected, this would just hurt him more.

另一位坦承很怕被人拒绝的朋友，她就猜他可能在生气，因为我没有邀请他一同去参加即将举行的一场婚礼。第三位，她无法给人承诺，她就猜他可能觉得我们的进展太快，他需要一点空间。同一个状况，但每个人都透过各自的虚拟眼镜来解读。谁对？我应该如何响应？每一种假设都会有不同的响应对策。进展太快？——我应该收敛一点。但如果他觉得被拒绝，这样做就会伤他更深。

Feeling rejected? - I should up my calls and invite him to the wedding. But if he thinks we're moving too fast, this will just push him away further. I was so confused. As I was ping-ponging around in my own headset while briefly borrowing some of my friends' headsets, this relationship died a slow death. Are you ready for what was going on in Ben's headset? He'd been deeply hurt by a past relationship, was afraid of getting hurt again, and pulled away when his insecurities got the best of him. It was none of the things anyone had guessed.

觉得被拒绝？我应该打个电话邀他一同去婚礼。但如果他认为我们进展得太快，这样做会把他推得更远。我好困惑。当我在自己的执念中反复忖度，并短暂藉由朋友的视角来评估状况时，这段关系正慢慢凋萎。你们准备好听听在班的眼镜中看到了什么吗？他被过去的一段感情伤得很深，他怕再次受伤，当不安全感占上风时就退缩了。完全不是大家所猜测的答案。

Sometimes our headsets get in the way of our relationships. It took me a long time to learn this. Just as our beliefs can hold us back, they can also propel us forward. Let's go back to the scar study for a moment. Imagine the opposite. Imagine the researchers place something on the participants' faces that leads them to believe they look beautiful and then remove it before they go into the social setting. Now, what do you think they believe about others' responses? How do you think they show up differently? What difference does it make if you believe you're ugly or gorgeous, good at math or terrible at it, good at sports or not? It seems, a big one. I finally learned this lesson.

有时我们的眼镜会阻挡我们的关系。我花了很长的时间才学到这一点。如同执念能限制我们一样，信念却能策励我们向前。让我们回到疤痕的研究实验。做个相反的想象。想象研究者在受试者的脸上加上了某样让他们相信自己看起来变美丽的东西，接着再把它除去，才让他们进入社交场合。你想他们认为别人会如何反应？他们会有什么不同的表现？你相信自己很丑陋或美丽、擅长数学或是数学白痴、擅长运动或不擅长，会带来什么样的差别？似乎会有很大的差别。我终于学会了这一课。

My headset led me to law school. There my long-held false beliefs were reinforced: aim for perfection, follow the crowd, fear failure. This was a familiar path. Then one day, without thinking much about it, I signed up for a class outside the law school, called Design Thinking Boot Camp, a class that promised to unleash my creative potential. I had to design innovative products and experiences, or more accurately, pull on almost every single one of my ropes. I had to trust my own voice because when it comes to innovation, there is by definition no one to look to for the answers. I had to put myself out there because innovation doesn't come from playing it safe.

我的眼镜让我进入法学院。在那里，长期跟着我的虚假执念被强化了：以完美为目标、跟随群众、恐惧失败。这是条熟悉的路。有一天，没多想什么，我登记参加了一堂法学院外的课，叫做「设计思维训练营」，这堂课保证能释放我的创造潜能。我得要设计出创新的产品和体验，或更精确地说，要去拉扯我的每一条绳子。我得要相信自己的声音，因为创新的定义，就是没有人能给你答案。我得让自己走出舒适圈，因为打安全牌不会带来创新。

And perhaps most importantly, I had to be willing to fail, to be willing to not be perfect. The best designs came only after multiple failed attempts. If I wanted to get it right, I first had to be willing to get it wrong. I struggled in this class because all of the things that would help me succeed were the same things I believed for so many years I shouldn't do. I finally gave in to their crazy approach, and the most amazing thing happened. I was free to go, play, try things, experiment - to live as I had before my ropes. I felt free in a way I hadn't since I was six years old, and I accomplished things I never would have imagined possible.

也许最重要的是，我必须愿意承受失败，愿意接受不完美。唯有数次失败之后，才会产生最好的设计。如果我想要把它做对，我得愿意先犯错。在这班我很辛苦，因为能够协助我成功的一切，都是数年来我相信我不该去做的事。我终于屈服接受他们的疯狂方法，接着最惊人的事发生了。我感到自己能自由地去玩、去尝试、去实验——去过着被绳子束缚前的生活。从六岁之后我就没有感到这么自由了，我也完成了以前想都不敢想的事情。

I was astounded, proud, liberated - and confused. I wondered if the beliefs that held me back in this class were the same ones holding me back in other parts of my life. The seed had been planted. Maybe I shouldn't believe everything I think. Headset off. To take it off, I just had to realize I had it on. Ropes broken. New beliefs lead to new actions. In my first bold move since I was six, I turned down my offer to work at a law firm and placed myself in a different reality. I experimented with different jobs and took on various side projects, saying yes to ones I previously would have said no to due to lack of experience, trusting I could figure it out.

我很惊讶、骄傲、解放——且困惑。我想知道在这堂课中限制我的那些执念，是否同样也在我人生的其他部分中限制了我。种子已经种下。也许我不该尽信自己所有的想法。拿掉虚拟眼镜。要能拿掉眼镜，我得先要知道我已给自己戴上眼镜。绳子断了。新的信念带来新的行动。我六岁之后做的第一个勇敢的尝试，就是拒绝了在一间法律事务所工作的机会，把我自己放入不同的现实情境中。我尝试不同的工作，同时承接各式不同的业余项目，对以前因缺乏经验而说「不」的事，现在我会说「好」，相信我能想出办法。

I was still afraid of failure and taking wrong turns, and sometimes I did. I just no longer let this stop me. Then one day, I took on a 10-week part-time position, coaching speakers. I fell in love with this work. We're talking Fernando-level love. (Laughter) No longer afraid to grab things with both hands, I went on to start my own company, helping leaders become more powerful speakers and to teach a communication class at Stanford. Particularly meaningful for me is that I now get to give others what I'd lost for so long - a more powerful voice. I broke other ropes too. When I was self-conscious and shy, I never could have imagined revealing my insecurities to you on a TED stage.

我仍然会怕失败，怕转错弯，有时我也的确会做错。我只是不再让它阻止我。有一天，我接了一项为期十周的兼职工作，演说者的培训员。我爱上了这份工作。且是佛南多程度的喜爱。（笑声）不再害怕用双手抓住，我接着成立了自己的公司，协助领导者成为更优秀的演说者，并在史丹佛大学教授沟通课程。对我特别有意义的是，现在我可以给予他人的东西，正是我自己失去很久的东西——更强而有力的声音。我也挣脱了其他绳子。当我很忸怩害羞时，我完全无法想象我能在TED舞台上向大家揭露我的不安全感。

That would have sounded more like a bad dream. Yet somehow, here I am. This process didn't happen overnight. Each new thought, each new action built on the one before it until I found myself in a new reality. I still have ropes I'm working to break. My goal is fewer over time. To get there, I remind myself of the marshmallow challenge. Teams of four are given 20 sticks of spaghetti, a yard of string, a yard of tape and a marshmallow. The winning team is the one that can build the tallest freestanding tower they can in 18 minutes. The marshmallow has to be on top. This challenge has been given all over the world to business-school students, lawyers, CEOs, CTOs, engineers. Who do you think are among the top performers? Recent graduates of kindergarten

那听起来比较像是个恶梦。但，我就站在这里了。这个过程并非一蹴可几。每一个新想法、每一个新做法，皆从前面一个堆栈而来，直到发现自己置身在新的现实情境中。我还在努力挣脱一些绳子。我的目标是绳子能越来越少。为了达成目标，我会用棉花糖挑战来提醒我自己。每队四人，每队能拿到二十条意大利面、一码长的绳子、一码长的胶带和一个棉花糖。任何一队只要能建造出最高的独立式高塔，就能获胜。时间限制十八分钟。棉花糖要放在最上面。全世界都在玩这个挑战，包括商学院学生、律师、执行长、技术长、工程师。你们认为表现最好的是哪些人？刚从幼儿园毕业的小孩。

Here's why. The other groups will take what they think they know, what they think is the single right answer, and end up executing in the wrong direction. In contrast, kindergarteners stay open to multiple possibilities. They test out different options, they gather information by experimenting until they find the best way forward. They have fun. What makes us so amazing as children is we live in a world before ropes. In a world before "what's known," when there is "what's possible." In a world before "I can't," when there is "how could I?" In a world before falling and staying down, when we fall and get right back up again - undeterred.

原因如下。其他队伍会用他们认为已知的知识，用他们认定的单一正确答案，然后朝错误的方向执行。相对的，幼儿园小朋友拥抱所有的可能性。他们会测试不同的选项，他们透过实验来收集信息，直到他们找到最好的方法。他们玩得很开心。我们在儿童时期之所以会这么棒，是因为我们那时还生活在未受绳子束缚的世界。生活在「已知」出现之前的世界，那里充满着各种「可能性」。那是在「我不能」之前的世界，那里只有「我要怎么做？」是「摔倒就躺着不动」前的世界，在那里，我们摔倒之后会马上站起来——不畏险阻。

In a world in which nothing is holding us back from our full capacity. What the design class was for me, I hope this talk is for you - a seed that gets you to question what you've previously accepted as true, that makes you more aware of your ropes, that helps you see they were always yours to break. No matter who you are or where you are, in this moment, there is the life that you can be living if you break your ropes. You get there one new thought at a time, one new action at a time until one day, you find yourself in a new reality. Thank you.

生活在没有任何东西能限制我们发挥潜能的世界。希望这场演说对各位的意义，也是那堂设计课对我的意义——一个种子，让你去质疑过去所认为的真实，让你更能意识到绑着你的绳子，协助你看清楚永远要靠自己去挣脱那些绳子。不论你是谁、身在何处，在这一刻，如果你能挣脱你的绳子，就能迎向崭新的生活。若要到那里，要靠一次一个新想法，一次一个新做法，直到有一天，你会发现身处在崭新的现实中。谢谢。

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