TED演讲｜和死神掰手腕的男人：17次手术险些丧命，拒绝截肢，决心重返赛场

An NFL quarterback on overcoming setbacks and self-doubt

And then one of the doctors says this: "As we speak, flesh-eating bacteria is crawling up your leg. It's getting closer to your vital organs every minute." Good morning to you, too, doctor.

接著，其中一位医生说：“我们说话的同时，吃人肉的细菌正沿著你的腿向上爬。每分钟，它们都更接近你的重要器官。”也祝你早安，医生。

Let me back up. I'm a professional football player. I played quarterback. And two weeks earlier, two defenders, almost 500 pounds of muscle, crushed me at the same time. It sounds scary, but honestly, it's pretty normal in my line of work. This time, though, my leg was bending where it shouldn't. I had what they call a compound spiral fracture, which means that my leg was twisted and snapped diagonally, kind of like a corkscrew. And yes, it's as painful as it sounds.

让我倒带一下。我是职业美式足球员。我的位置是四分卫。两週前，两个防守的球员，接近五百磅的肌肉，同时撞挤我。听起来很可怕，但，老实说，在我这一行这很正常。不过，这一次，我的脚被弯到不该弯的状态。我的骨折是所谓的複杂性螺旋骨折，意思就是，我的脚被扭曲，然后以对角线的方式折断，有点像开瓶的拔塞鑽。是的，真的有听起来那麽痛。

I knew right there on the field that my season was done. What took me a little longer to figure out was that my life was about to change forever. Two years after that gruesome injury, I actually ran back out onto that field and led my team to the playoffs.

当场，我就知道我这一季不能再上场了。我多花了一点时间才知道，我的人生即将永远改变。那次可怕的受伤事件过后两年，我实际跑回到了球场上，领导我的球队打进季后赛。

But what I want to talk about today isn't some rousing comeback story where the crowd chants my name. I want to talk about the stuff that happens out of you. The stuff that athletes like me don't want to discuss because we think it makes us look weak. I want to talk about fear, anxiety and self-doubt. Because if I wanted to really fully recover from my injury, I didn't just need to learn to walk and run again. I also needed something to run towards, something to live for.

但我今天不是来谈某种激动人心东山再起的故事，有群众还喊著我的名字。我想要谈你无法掌控但却发生的事。像我这样的运动员不想讨论的事，因为我们认为那会让我们看起来很软弱。我想要谈恐惧、焦虑，及自我怀疑。因为如果我想要从受伤中完全复元，我需要的不只是重新学习走路和跑步。我也需要一个让我有动力去做的目标，活下去的目标。

After that first hazy conversation, in order to save my leg, the doctors actually removed part of my good thigh and reattached it to my busted-up leg. Now, they didn't know if the muscle would take, so after the surgery, every hour, the doctors and nurses would come in, unwrap the wound, apply a gel and search for a heartbeat in the muscle. Every time I would make them put up this big white sheet to block my vision, because from what I could tell, it wasn't a pretty sight. My leg was essentially a giant open wound. When the doctors and nurses were back there, my wife would be back there with them trying to cheer me up. "It looks so good."

在初次的朦胧对谈之后，为了拯救我的腿，医生必须要把我好的那隻大腿切除一部分，用到我毁掉的那隻脚上。他们不知道肌肉是否能承受，所以，手术后， 每个小时，医生和护理师就会进来，拆开伤口的包扎，涂上一种胶，寻找肌肉的心跳。每次，我都请他们用一大片白布挡住我的视线，因为就我所知，那不是好看的画面。基本上，我的脚是个巨大的开放伤口。当医生和护理师在那裡时，我太太也会和他们一起在那裡，试著帮我打气。“看起来很好。”

"Babe, it's so cool."

“宝贝，这好酷。”

There was no way she was going to get me to look down there. The truth is, I couldn't bear to. Not because I couldn't stomach it, but because I couldn't accept what had happened to me. This went on for months. At the time I was wheelchair-bound, at home, my wife had to be there for me every second of the day, even helping me to go to the bathroom. I spent most of my days sitting propped up on the couch just thinking, was I ever going to walk again? Play catch with my kids again? Wrestle with them on the living room floor? All this for a stupid, meaningless game?

她不可能让我向下看我的脚。事实是，我也承受不了去看一眼。不是我无法消化那个画面，而是因为我无法接受 我会遇到这种事。这状况持续了几个月。当轮椅成为我的一部分时，在家裡，我太太每天无时无刻都得在我身边，甚至要协助我上厕所。我几乎整天都撑坐在沙发上，想著，我还能再走路吗？还能和我的孩子玩接球吗？和他们在客厅地上扭打成一团？这一切都只为了一场无意义、愚蠢的比赛？

To that point, my life had been so big, so full of possibility, but now it all seemed to be spiraling down, like that fracture in my leg. And I'll be honest, this wasn't the first time that my mind had been twisted up like that.

在那时点之前，我的人生功成名就，充满了可能性。但现在，一切似乎都被漩涡捲下去了，和我脚部的骨折一样惨。老实说，那不是我第一次有那麽扭曲的想法。

Let me tell you how my career started. I was this nothing college recruit. But in my last two years at school, I played pretty well and somehow catapulted up to be the first pick in the NFL draft. Over the course of a couple of months, I went from a guy most people hadn't even heard of to the next great quarterback to the San Francisco 49ers. Joe Montana, Steve Young, me. I was a 20-year-old kid at the time, and I didn't handle that pressure well. I got really, really anxious.

让我告诉各位我的职涯如何开始。我是个无所成的大学新手。但我在学校的最后两年，我打得挺好的，不知怎麽的就让我一跃成了NFL 的选秀状元。在短短几个月间，我从大部分人都没听过的小卒，成了旧金山四九人队中下一个伟大的四分衞。乔·蒙坦纳、史提夫·扬、我。当时我才二十岁， 我没有把那些压力处理得很好。我变得非常非常焦虑。

Do I really belong here? How long until they find out I'm a fraud?

我真的属于这裡吗？他们要多久才会发现我根本没本事？

The questions paralyzed me. I was absolutely terrified to make mistakes, and I was desperate for others' validation. It followed me around 24/7. I got to where I couldn't eat before games, I constantly felt nauseous. I'd be at the dinner table with my wife or some friends, and I just ... I wasn't there. To the outside world, I was playing this game I loved. I'd achieved what millions of kids grow up dreaming about. But in my mind, I was sinking like a stone.

这些问题让我好无力。我超怕犯错，且我好渴望别人认可。我无时无刻都摆脱不了这些。后来我甚至在比赛前都无法进食，我经常想吐。在餐桌上和我太太或朋友共进晚餐时，我会…… 我人在心不在。对外界来说，我是在打我喜欢的比赛。我达成了数百万孩子成长时的梦想。但在我心中，我像个石头一样不断下沉。

It stayed that way for the better part of five years. I'd have some success, but then I'd get injured or get a new coach. And the cycle would start over again.

五年的大部分时间裡情况就是这样。我有些成功，但接著，我会受伤或换新教练。循环又再来一次。

And then I got two key pieces of advice. The first came in the form of a guy named Jim Harbaugh. He was my coach at the time. Now, what's best about coach Harbaugh is he simply does not care what other people think about him. He couldn't be more comfortable in his pleated khakis and tucked-in sweatshirt.

接著，我得到了两个很重要的建议。第一个建议来自吉姆·哈柏。当时，他是我的教练。哈柏教练最棒的一点就是他就是不在乎别人对他的看法。他可以非常自在地穿打褶的卡其裤，并把运动衫扎到裤子裡。

Now, coach Harbaugh used to tell the team the same thing right before we would take the field on game day. He would say, "Play as hard as you can, as fast as you can, for as long as you can. And don't worry." "Don't worry." It sounds simple, and it is, but I guess I didn't really believe it was possible until it came from somebody that I trusted.

以前每次上场比赛前，哈柏教练都会跟我们说同样的话。他会说：“比赛时尽最大努力，用最快的速度，尽量撑著，然后就别担心。” “别担心。”听起来很简单，是很简单。但，要由我信任的人来告诉我，我才相信这是有可能的。

Around the same time, I had a teammate named Blake Costanzo. Blake was a linebacker who was a little nuts. Before games, he would run around the locker room and he would get in everybody's face and he'd ask, "Are you going to live today? I'm going to live today, are you?" At first, I didn't get it. But then he started to win me over. He was a guy who approached the game in the exact opposite way that I did. He was taking the challenge head on. He was fully present, right in the moment. Right in my face, just live. These ideas were a counterweight to all my doubts. And wouldn't you know it? I started playing better. Started having fun again, and we started winning.

那时我有一位队友叫布雷克·科斯坦佐。布雷克是后卫，有点疯狂。比赛前，他会在更衣室跑来跑去，然后跑到每个人面前，他会问：“你要活在今天吗？我要活在今天，你呢？”一开始，我听不懂。但，他开始赢得我的心。这个傢伙比赛的方式和我完全相反。他面对面迎接挑战。他全心全意投入在当下。直面我，全心全意活在当下。这些想法完全与我的怀疑抗衡。你猜如何？我开始打得更好了。又开始找到乐趣了，我们也开始赢球了。

For the rest of my career, I would talk to a small group of teammates before games and tell them some form of the same thing. Just live. And even as I got traded twice and replaced by a couple of great young quarterbacks, I stuck with that ethic. But when my leg got infected, I completely lost that perspective. You might as well have taken that white sheet I was hiding behind and draped it over my face because I wasn't really living. And once again, I needed somebody to help me snap out of it.

在接下来的职涯中，比赛前 我都会招集一小群队友，以某种形式告诉他们 同样的内容：只管活在当下。即使我被球队卖掉两次，也被一些很棒的年轻四分卫取代过，我仍然坚持这原则。但，当我的脚被感染时，我完全失去了那种观点。你倒不如把那块让我躲藏的白布直接盖在我脸上，因为我没有真正活著。再一次，我需要有人帮我振作起来。

That spring, I started rehabbing at a military facility called the Center for the Intrepid. Because while my injury was unheard of for a football player, it was eerily similar to that of our wounded warriors. Basically, my leg exploded like I stepped on an IED. Before I got down there, I'd watched hours and hours of videos of these double and triple amputees and a lot of guys with injuries like mine who were going on to the Paralympics or rejoining the Army Rangers or the Navy SEALs. I was in awe of them. I wanted to be like them. But one of my PTs, Johnny Owens, made sure I knew right away it wasn't going to be easy to get back on my feet. Literally.

那年春天，我开始到军事机构 “无畏卓越中心”做复健。虽然以前没有美式足球员受过我这种伤，却和伤兵战士所受的伤很类似。基本上，我的脚就像是踩上土制爆裂物被炸断一样。去那裡之前，我看了不少小时的影片，双或三断肢者的影片，许多人的伤和我的很像，他们会去参加残奥，或者重新加入陆军游骑兵或海军海豹部队。我好敬佩他们。我想跟他们一样。但，我的其中一位私人教练强尼·欧文斯确保我马上知道要重新站起来不会是易事。真的。

The first day I was down there, I was doing a balance exercise on my good leg and he just shoved me right in the chest. "Come on, Alex." Then he shoved me again. "Come on, you can do better than that." Then he did something that changed my recovery completely. He handed me a football. You see, after spending years and years of my life with a football in my hands, I hadn't touched one for months since my injury. It was like reattaching a lost limb. He told me to throw from one knee. I zipped one to him. A better kind of spiral. From that point on, if you put a ball in my hands, I felt stronger. I did my exercises better. I can't explain it, but I felt lighter. I felt alive.

在那裡的第一天，我用好的那隻脚在做平衡练习，他就直接朝我的胸口推了一把。“来呀，艾力克斯。”他又推了我一次。“来呀，你可以做得更好。”他接下来做的事，完全改变了我的复元过程。他拿了一个美式足球给我。要知道，花了这麽多年过著手上总有颗美式足球的日子，我受伤后却有好几个月都没碰过美式足球。那就好像接上断肢一样。他叫我靠一腿来传球。我传了一球给他。这种螺旋比较好。从那一刻起，如果你把球交到我手中，我会觉得更强壮。我的练习也做得比较好。我无法解释，但我觉得变轻了。我觉得我活著。

After that first visit, I felt like I had permission to dream again. I thought about getting back out onto the field. If I make it back, great, if I don't, who cares, at least I was living for something. And that's the mentality that carried me through my recovery. Through numerous setbacks, both physically and mentally, I eventually got cleared by the doctors. I actually made the roster. And then, 693 days after my injury, I got the call to put on my helmet and take my first snap in a game.

第一次造访之后，我觉得我被允许再次作梦了。我会想著要回到球场上。如果我能回去，很棒，如果不能，谁在乎？至少我有为了什麽而活。就是这种心态带著我完成了复元过程。撑过许多身体上和心理上的挫败。最终，我得到医生的核准， 我进入了球员名册中。接著，在我受伤后的六百九十三天，我被通知要戴上头盔， 上场做我的第一次发球。

Now, I wish I could tell you that the crowd went wild, but there was basically nobody there because of COVID.

我希望我能告诉各位群众随之疯狂，但因为新冠肺炎，几乎没人在场。

And still, running onto that field, I had so many mixed emotions. What a rush. But to be honest, I was absolutely terrified. Practice was one thing, but a real game? Was my leg going to hold up? I found out on the third snap when this huge defender launched himself onto my back, I tried to take a few steps, but I went down. It's still the most liberating feeling in my life, getting back up, knowing that I'm OK.

不过，跑上球场，仍然 让我心中五味杂陈。好仓促。但，老实说，我完全吓坏了。练习是一回事，但真正上场？我的脚真的撑得住吗？第三次发球时超大隻的防守球员从我背后扑上来，我得到了答案，我试著向前几步，但我仍然摔倒了。那仍然是我人生中最让我宽心的感觉，重新站起来，知道我没事。

I'm proud that I made it back out onto the field, but I'm more proud of what got me there. Not the physical journey, but the mental one. I've learned that so much of the anxiety that holds us back in life, it's self-inflicted. We make it worse on ourselves. And it's OK if we need somebody to help us snap out of it. For me, that was my wife, a military guy, a maniac linebacker or an eccentric coach. They taught me that I had to see my fears for what they are. And that's why, looking back, I know that my recovery didn't actually start when Johnny shoved me in the chest. First, I had to pull back that white sheet. For weeks and weeks, I'd been hearing my wife tell me how great it looked. She helped me get to that point. I was ready. And when I finally did it, it looked way worse than I had expected.

我很自豪又回到了球场上，但更让我自豪的是我怎麽到那裡的。不是身体的旅程，而是心理的。我学到，人生中那麽多 让我们无法前进的焦虑，都是自己造成的。我们自己让情况变糟。如果我们需要别人协助 我们振作，也没关係的。对我来说，帮我的人是我太太、一个军人、一个疯狂的后卫、或一个古怪的教练。他们教我，我必须要看清我的恐惧的真相。因此，现在回头看，我知道我的复元过程并非始于强尼朝我的胸口推一把。首先，我得拉开那块白布。数週来，我一直听 我太太说看起来有多棒。她协助我走到那一步。我准备好了。当我终于掀开白布， 状况看起来比我预期的还糟很多。

What I saw was not cool. It was grotesque. Mangled and deformed. All kinds of purple and blue and red. Fair warning, these pictures are a little graphic. But my leg went from this, the black is the dead tissue, to this. And this. And this. Before it could get rebuilt. But I saw my leg for what it was. And it was mine.

我看到的画面一点也不酷。而是很怪异。严重受损且变形了。各种紫色、蓝色，和红色。先警告，这些照片可能会造成不舒服。但我的脚从这个样子，黑色部分是坏死的组织，变成这样。然后这样。然后这样。这是在它重建之前。但我看到我的脚真实的样子。那是我的脚。

These days, I've come a long way with this guy.

这些日子，我和这个傢伙走了好长的路。

This thing that once represented everything I feared, everything I had lost, it's probably the thing I'm most proud of in my life outside of my wife and kids. So, yeah, I guess she was right, it is pretty cool.

这东西曾经代表我所惧怕的一切，我失去的一切，除了我的太太和孩子，它现在 可能是我人生中最自豪的东西。我想，她是对的，这隻脚的确很酷。

These scars, they're not just a reminder of everything I've been through, but more so, everything that's in front of me. They stare me in my face. Challenging me to be myself. To help others out of their own spirals when I can. Now, you might not have a leg that looks like this. But I’ll bet you’ve got some scars. And my hope for you is this. Look at them. Own them. They're the best reminder you'll ever have that there's a whole world out there. And we've got a whole lot of living left to do. Thank you.

这些伤疤，不只提醒我我所经历过的一切，更提醒我我眼前的一切。它们正面盯著我。挑战我做自己。在能力范围内协助他人脱离他们的漩涡。你可能没有像这样的脚。但我敢说你也有其他伤疤。我希望你能这样做：看著它们。承认它们。它们是最棒的提醒，让你记得外面的世界很大。我们还有很多“活著” 等著我们去做。谢谢。