TED演讲｜我是一名同性恋，孩子该叫我爸爸、还是妈妈？

What it's like to be a transgender dad

一天早上，我走进一家杂货店，店员跟我打招呼：“早上好，先生，有什么可以帮您？”我说，“不用了，谢谢。”

The person smiled and we went our separate ways. I grabbed Cheerios and I left the grocery store. And I went through the drive-through of a local coffee shop.

他冲我笑了笑，然后我们就分开了。我拿了一盒麦片，离开了杂货店。

After I placed my order, the voiceon the other end said, "Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around." Now, in the span of less than an hour, I was understood both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am." But for me, neither of these people are wrong, but they're also not completely right.         

然后我去了一家本地汽车穿梭咖啡厅。下单之后，另一头的声音说，“谢谢您，女士。请开到另一边。” 在不到一个小时内，我被人同时认作了“先生”和“女士”。对我而言，他们都没错，但是也不全对。

This cute little human is my almost-two-year-old Elliot. Yeah, alright. And over the past two years, this kid has forced me to rethink the world and how I participate in it. I identify as transgender and as a parent, that makes me a transparent.  As you can see, I took this year's the me super literal.  

这个可爱的小家伙是我的埃利奥特，差不多2岁。是的，可爱吧。在过去的2年里，这个小家伙让我重新思考世界 和如何生活。我既是跨性别人，也是父亲， 所以我是“夸父”。如您所见，我这一年比夸父还累。

Like any good dad joke should. More specifically, I identify as gender queer. And there are lots of ways to experience being gender queer, but for me that means I don't really identify as a man or a woman. I feel in between and sometimes outside of this gender binary.

就像所有幽默的好父亲一样。具体来说，我是一名性别酷儿。性别酷儿有许多种行为方式，对我而言，它意味着我不把自己认作男性或女性。我觉得自己处于两者之间，有时又游离于两者之外。

And being outside of this gender binary means that sometimes I get "sired" and "ma'amed" in the span of less than an hour when I'm out doing everyday things like getting Cheerios. But this in between lane is where I'm most comfortable. This space where I can be both a sir and a ma'am feels the most right and the most authentic. But it doesn't mean that these interactions aren't uncomfortable.

游离在两者之外意味着我有时被认为是“先生”，有时被认为是“女士” 哪怕就在我日常生活中，不到一个小时内，比如去买一盒麦片。但是这种位于两者之间的状态是我感到最舒服的。这种既可以是先生又可以是女士的中间地带是感觉最正确也最真实的。但这并不意味着所有的互动都令人舒服。

Trust me, the discomfort can range from minor annoyance to feeling physically unsafe. Like the time at a bar in college when a bouncer physically removed me by the back of the neck and threw me out of a woman's restroom. But for me, authenticity doesn't mean"comfortable."

相信我，这种不舒服的程度会从小小的讨厌 到感觉到危险。有一次在大学的一个酒吧里，一个门卫拎着我的脖子后面把我从女厕所里扔了出去。对我而言，真实并不意味着“舒适”。

It means managing and negotiating the discomfort of everyday life, even at times when it's unsafe. And it wasn't until my experience as a trans person collided with my new identity as a parent that I understood the depth of my vulnerabilities and how they are preventing me from being my most authentic self.

它意味着管理和解决日常生活中的不舒适，哪怕有时候会有危险。直到我的跨性别身份与我的父亲身份发生了碰撞，我才发现自己是多么脆弱，这种脆弱会阻止我做最真实的自己。

Now, for most people, what their child willcall them is not something that they give much thought to outside of culturally specific words or variations on a gendered theme like"mama," "mommy," or "daddy,""papa."

对大多数人而言，孩子怎么称呼自己，是一件不需要思考太多的事情，无非就是不同文化所用的词汇不同，或者性别不同所以称呼不同，“妈妈”、“妈咪”，或者“爸爸”、“爹地”。

But for me, the possibility is what this child, who will grow to be a teenager and then a real-life adult, will call me for the rest of our lives, was both extremely scary and exciting. And I spent nine months wrestling with the reality that being called"mama" or something like it didn't feel like me at all.

无论我试过多少次，或者多少个“妈妈”的版本，总感觉是被逼的，而且极度不舒服。我知道被叫做“妈妈”或“妈咪”对大部分人而言更容易理解。有两个妈妈并不十分新奇，尤其在我生活的地方。

And no matter how many times or versions of "mom" I tried, it always felt forced and deeply uncomfortable. I knew being called "mom"or "mommy" would be easier to digest for most people. The idea of having two moms is not super novel, especially where we live.      

但对我而言，一想到这个孩子 从十几岁再到成年，在剩下的岁月中都会以某种称呼来叫我，这让我既恐惧又兴奋。我花了9个月的时间去纠结，被叫做妈妈或者其它的称呼，一点都不像我。

So I tried other words. And when I played around with "daddy," it felt better. Better, but not perfect. It felt like a pair of shoes that you really liked but you needed to wear and break in. And I knew the idea of being a female-bornperson being called "daddy" was going to be a harder road with a lot more uncomfortable moments.

于是我试了试其它的词。我试了试“爹地”，感觉好一点。好一点，但也不完美。就感觉有一双鞋你很喜欢，但是要弄破了才能穿进去一样。我知道一个出生时是女性的人被叫做“爹地” 是一条更难走的路，会遇到许多不舒服的时刻。

But, before I knew it, the time had come and Elliot came screaming into the world, like most babies do, and my new identity as a parent began. I decided on becoming a daddy, and our new family faced the world.   

但我还没意识到这一点，这个时刻就来临了，埃利奥特哭喊着降临到这个世界，就像大多数婴儿一样，我为人父母的身份开始了。我决定做一名父亲，与我的新家庭面对这个世界。

Now one of the most common things that happens when people meet us is for people to "mom" me. And when I get "momed", there are several ways the interaction can go, and I've drawn this map to help illustrate my options.        

最常发生的一件事，就是当人们遇到我们，他们会认为我是“妈妈”。这个时候，有几种互动方式，我花了张地图来说明我的选择。

So, option one is to ignore the assumption and allow folks to continue to refer to me as"mom," which is not awkward for the other party,but is typically really awkward for us. And it usually causes me to restrict my interaction with those people. Option one. Option two is to stop and correct them and say something like, "Actually, I'm Elliot's dad" or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"

方案一就是无视这种假设，让他们继续认为我是“妈妈”， 对他们而言没有问题， 但对我们而言就很尴尬。而且这经常会让我拒绝跟这些人交流。方案一。方案二就是阻止并纠正他们，告诉他们，“其实，我是埃利奥特的父亲”，或者“埃利奥特叫我爹地。”

And when I do this, one or two of the following things happen. Folks take it in stride and say something like, "Oh, OK." And move on. Or they respond by apologizing profusely because they feel bad or awkward or guilty or weird.

但更常见的一种情况是，他们觉得很困惑 会抬头一脸紧张地看着我，“你是不是要去做变性手术？你想变成一个男人？” 或者说，“她怎么能当父亲呢？只有男的可以当父亲啊。”

But more often, what happens is folks get really confused and look up with an intense look and say something like, "Does this mean you want to transition? Do you want to be a man?" Or say things like,"How can she be a father? Only men can be dads."   

当我这么说之后，接下来会有一到两种情况。他们会接受我的说法，说，“哦，好吧。” 然后过去。或者他们会不停地道歉，因为他们觉得不好、尴尬、内疚或者奇怪。

Well, option one is oftentimes the easierroute. Option two is always the more authentic one. And all of these scenarios involve a level of discomfort, even in the best case. And I'll say that over time, my ability to navigate this complicated map has gotten easier. But the discomfort is still there.

好吧，方案一通常是比较容易的选择。方案二是更加真实的情况。所有这些场景都会导致不同程度的不舒服。即便在最好的情况下。随着时间的推移，我在这幅复杂的地图中选择路线的能力会越来越强。但那种不舒服仍然会在。

Now, I won't stand here and pretend like I've mastered this, it's pretty far from it. And there are days when I still allow option one to take place because option two is just too hard or too risky. There's no way to be sure of anyone's reaction, and I want to be sure that folks have good intentions, that people are good.

我不会站在这儿，假装自己 已经搞定这件事，其实还差得远呢。有时候我还是会选择方案一， 因为方案二实在太难或者太冒险。我无法肯定每个人会如何反应，我想确定人们是心怀好意的，他们是好人。

But we live in a world where someone's opinion of my existence can be met with serious threats to me or even my family's emotional or physical safety. So I weigh the costs against the risks and sometimes the safety of my family comes before my own authenticity.

但当今世界，对于像我这种人的存在，一些人的看法对我而言是严重的威胁，甚至会影响我家人的情绪和人身安全。于是我权衡利弊，有时候家人的安全会比我自己的真实感更重要。

But despite this risk, I know as Elliot gets older and grows into her consciousness and language skills, if I don't correct people, she will. I don't want my fears and insecurities to be placed on her, to dampen her spirit or make her question her own voice.

但是不管危险与否，我知道，埃利奥特慢慢长大，会有自我意识，会学会说话， 如果我不纠正别人，她也会纠正。我不想让自己的恐惧和不安全感落到她头上， 抑制她的情绪，或者让她怀疑自己。

I need to model agency, authenticity and vulnerability, and that means leaning into those uncomfortable moments of being "momed" and standing up and saying, "No, I'm a dad. And I even have the dad jokes to prove it."  

我需要展示这种真实和脆弱，也就是说我不能逃避这种被叫做“妈妈”的时刻，而是要挺身而出，说，“不，我是一名父亲。我会讲许多爸爸的笑话来证明这一点。”

Now, there have already been plenty of uncomfortable moments and even some painful ones. But there's also been, in just two short years, validating and at times transformative moments on my journey as a dad and my path towards authenticity.

我已经经历过许多不舒服的时刻了，甚至有些还很痛苦。但是在短短2年时间里， 有一些富有成效与变革意义的时刻，在我成为一名父亲和通往真实的路上起到了积极的作用。

When we got our first sonogram, we decided we wanted to know the sex of the baby. The technician saw a vulva and slapped the words "It's a girl" on the screen and gave us a copy and sent us on our way. We shared the photo with our families like everyone does and soon after, my mom showed up at our house with a bag filled -- I'm not exaggerating, it was like this high and it was filled, overflowing with pink clothes and toys.

我们第一次去做超声波检查的时候， 我们想知道宝宝的性别。检查的技师看完，在屏幕上敲出“是个女孩” 给我们打印了一张照片就让我们离开了。像其他人一样，我们把照片发给家里人看了，很快，我妈妈拎着个大袋子就到了我家，一点也不夸张，那个袋子有这么高，装满了粉色的衣服和玩具。

Now I was a little annoyed to be confronted with a lot of pink things, and having studied gender and spent countless hours teaching about it in workshops and classrooms, I thought I was pretty well versed on the social construction of gender and how sexism isa devaluing of the feminine and how it manifests both explicitly and implicitly.

看着那一大堆粉色的东西，我其实有点不爽，研究了那么久性别花了无数时间在工作室和教室教课，我以为自己已经精通社会的性别架构明白性别歧视会如何降低女性的价值以及它如何表现得即明显又隐蔽。

But this situation, this aversion to a bag full of pinkstuff,forced me to explore my rejection of highly feminized things in mychild's world.

但这种情况，这种对一大袋子粉色东西的厌恶之情 让我对在孩子的世界里出现极度女性化的东西 感到非常抗拒。

I realized that I was reinforcingsexism and the cultural norms I teach as problematic. No matter howmuch I believed in gender neutrality in theory, in practice, the absenceof femininity is not neutrality, it's masculinity. If I only dress my babyin greens and blues and grays, the outside world doesn't think, "Oh,that's a cute gender-neutral baby."

我意识到我恰恰在证实性别歧视 这种原本我在教学中 视作问题的文化规范。无论在理论上我多么相信中性， 然而在实践中，女性气质的缺位就不是中立，是男子主义。如果我只给自己的宝宝穿绿色、蓝色和灰色， 其他人并不会认为，“哦，那是个可爱的性别中立的宝宝。”

They think, "Oh, what a cuteboy." So my theoretical understanding of gender and my parentingworld collided hard. Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys for mychild to experience. I want a balanced environment for her toexplore and make sense of in her own way. We even picked agender-neutral name for our female-born child.

他们会想，“哦，多可爱的一个男孩儿。” 因此，我对于性别的理论理解和我作为家长的世界很难相融。我想让我的孩子体会各种颜色和玩具。我想有一个平衡的环境让她去体验， 让她自己体会。我们甚至给我们的女宝宝选了个中性的名字。

But gender neutrality is much easier as a theoretical endeavor than it is as a practice. And in my attempts to create gender neutrality, I was inadvertentlyprivileging masculinity over femininity. So, rather than toning down oreliminating femininity in our lives, we make a concerted effort to celebrateit.

但是性别中立作为一种理论尝试还可以， 实践起来要难得多。我在尝试做到性别中立的时候， 会在不经意间突出男子气概，压制女性气质。因此我们并没有减少或者消除生活中的女性气质， 而是通过多种努力来拥抱它。

We have pinks among the variety of colors, we balance out thecutes with handsomesand the prettys with strongs and smarts and workreally hard not to associate any words with gender. We value femininityand masculinity while also being highly critical of it.

在众多颜色中我们也保留粉色， 我们寻找平衡，可爱中带点帅气 美丽中带点强壮和聪慧， 想方设法不把任何词汇跟性别联系起来。我们重视女性气质和男子气概 同时也会非常慎重地审视它们。

And do our best to not make her feel limited by gender roles. And we do all this inhopesthat we model a healthy and empowered relationship with gender for our kid.   

我们竭尽所能让她不觉得被自己的性别所限制。做这一切 我们是希望能为孩子树立一个榜样，建立一种健康而又自主的性别观。

Now this work to develop a healthyrelationship with gender for Elliot made me rethink and evaluate how Iallowed sexism to manifest in my own gender identity. I began toreevaluate how I was rejecting femininity in order to live up to amasculinity that was not healthy or something I wanted to passon.

帮助埃利奥特 发展健康的性别观的这一过程， 让我重新思考和评价， 如何让性别歧视 在我自己的性别认知中显现出来。我开始重新评估自己是如何抗拒女性气质 来显示男子气概，其实这并不健康， 或者我想传递出去的一些东西。

Doing this self-work meant I had to reject option one. I couldn'tignore and move on. I had to choose option two. I had to engage withsome of my most uncomfortable parts to move towards my most authenticself. And that meant I had to get real about the discomfort I have with mybody. It's pretty common for trans people to feel uncomfortable in theirbody, and this discomfort can range from debilitating to annoying and every where in between.

进行这种自我思考意味着我要放弃方案一。我不能选择无视，然后离开。我必须选择方案二。我必须要与面对那些让我感到最不舒服的事情 才能离最真实的自己越来越近。也就是说我要正视身体上的不适。跨性别人的身体经常会感到不舒服， 这种不舒服的程度，从虚弱无力到令人厌烦 以及中间的某种程度。

And learning my body and how to be comfortable init as a trans person has been a life long journey. I've always struggledwith the parts of my body that can be defined as more feminine --my chest,my hips, my voice. And I've made the sometimes hard, sometimes easydecision to not take hormones or have any surgeries to change it tomake myself more masculine by society's standards.

了解自己的身体，以及作为跨性别人该如何让自己舒适， 是一个一辈子的课题。我一直纠结于自己身体中 那些被定义为更加女性化的部分， 我的胸部，我的臀部，我的嗓音。我有时犹豫不决，有时又非常坚决， 不去服用激素，或者动手术 让自己按照社会的标准，更加男性化一些。

And while I certainly haven't overcome all the feelings of dissatisfaction, I realized that bynot engaging with that discomfort and coming to a positive and affirmingplace with my body, I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia and modelingbody shaming.

当然我没有完全克服那些不满的感觉， 我意识到，如果我无视那些不舒服， 对自己的身体持一种积极的、肯定的态度， 我就是在加强性别歧视、跨性别歧视，并且形成身体羞愧。

If I hate my body, in particular, the parts societydeems feminine or female, I potentially damage how my kid can see thepossibilities of her body and her feminine and female parts. If Ihate or am uncomfortable with my body, how can I expect my kid to lovehers?

如果我恨自己的身体， 特别是，恨大众认为的女性化的部分，对我的孩子而言，她就可能看不到自己身体的可能性， 看不到她身体中女性部分的可能性。如果我自己都恨或者说不喜欢自己的身体， 我又怎么能期待自己的孩子爱她的身体？

Now it would be easier for me to chooseoption one: to ignore my kid when she asks me about my body or to hide itfrom her. But I have to choose option two every day. I have toconfront my own assumptions about what a dad's body can and should be. SoI work every day to try and be more comfortable in this body and in theways I express femininity.

现在对我来说， 选择方案一会更容易一些：无视她询问关于我身体的问题， 或者在她面前进行遮掩。但我每天都必须选择方案二。我要与自己的设定作斗争， 父亲的身体可以或应该是什么样。因此我每天都在努力让自己在这个身体中觉得舒适， 与我所谓的女性气质和平共处。

So I talk about it more, I explore thedepths of this discomfort and find language that I feel comfortablewith. And this daily discomfort helps me build both agency andauthenticity in how I show up in my body and in my gender. I'mworking against limiting myself.

于是我更加多地谈到它， 我探索这种不舒适的程度， 寻找我觉得适合的语言。这种日常的不舒适帮助我在如何展示自己身体和性别中 同时构建代理状态和真实自我。我努力不给自己加限制。

I want to show her that a dad can havehips, a dad doesn't have to have a perfectly flat chest or even beable to grow facial hair. And when she's developmentally able to, Iwant to talk to her about my journey with my body. I want her to see my journey towards authenticity even when it means showing her the messierparts.

我想告诉她爸爸也可以有丰满的臀部， 爸爸不一定要有完全平坦的胸部， 甚至可以不长胡子。随着她慢慢能理解， 我想跟她讲自己探索身体的过程。我想让她了解我通往真实的旅程， 哪怕要给她看某些不美好的部分。

We have a wonderful pediatrician andhave established a good relationship with our kid's doctor. And as you allknow, while your doctor stays the same, your nurses and nursepractitioners change in and out. And when Elliot was first born, we tookher to the pediatricianand we met our first nurse -- we'll call her Sarah.

我们有一个好的儿科医生， 建立了非常好的关系。大家都知道，医生不会变， 但是护士和执业护士会经常变。埃利奥特刚出生的时候，我们带她去儿科医生那儿， 遇到了我们的第一位护士，就叫她莎拉吧。

Very early in in our time with Sarah, we told her how I wasgoing to be called "dad"and my partner is"mama." Sarah was one of those folks that took it instride, and our subsequent visits went pretty smoothly. And about ayear later, Sarah switched shifts and we started working with a new nurse-- we'll call her Becky.

我们从一开始接触莎拉， 就告诉她，我会被叫“爸爸”， 而我的另一半会当“妈妈”。莎拉属于对这种事很大度的那种人， 之后我们去看医生都很顺利。大约1年后，莎拉换班了， 我们有了一位新护士，就叫她贝琪吧。

We didn't get in front of the dadconversations and it didn't actually come up until Sarah, our originalnurse, walked in to say hi. Sarah's warm and bubbly and said hi toElliot and me and my wife and when talking to Elliot said somethinglike, "Is your daddy holding your toy?"

我们之前没有提叫爸爸这件事 直到我们原来那位护士，莎拉 走进来跟我们打招呼。莎拉非常暖心又活泼地跟埃利奥特、我和我的妻子打招呼 她跟埃利奥特说到， “是爸爸拿着你的玩具吗？

Now out of thecorner of my eye, I could see Becky swing around in her chair andmake daggers at Sarah. And as the conversation shifted to ourpediatrician, I saw Sarah and Becky's interaction continue, and it went something like this. Becky, shaking her head "no" and mouthingthe word "mom."Sarah, shaking her head "no" and mouthingthe word "no, dad."

这时我的眼角瞟到， 贝琪在椅子上转向莎拉，还拿眼睛瞪莎拉。后来我们跟医生说话去了， 我还看到莎拉和贝琪在继续互动，看起来是这样的。贝琪，摇着头“不”，嘴型看起来在说“妈妈”。莎拉，摇着头“不”，嘴型看起来在说“爸爸”。

Awkward, right? So this went back andforth in total silence a few more times until we walked away. Now, this interaction has stuck withme. Sarah could have chosen option one, ignored Becky, and let herrefer to me as mom. It would have been easier for Sarah.

尴尬吧？这种沉默的交锋持续了好几轮，直到我们离开。这次交流给我的印象很深。莎拉本可以选择方案一， 无视贝琪，任由她把我当作妈妈。这对莎拉来说会容易得多。

She could have put the responsibility back on me or not said anything at all. But inthat moment, she chose option two. She chose to confront the assumptionsand affirm my existence. She insisted that a person who looks and soundslike mecan in fact be a dad. And in a small but meaningfulway, advocated for me, my authenticity and my family.

她本可以把这个责任甩给我，什么也不说。但在那一刻，她选择了方案二。她选择面对我这种人的存在，面对对于我的假设和断言。她坚持认为，像我这样的人， 实际上也可以当父亲。她以一种很小但是很有意义的方式， 支持了真实的我，支持了我和我的家人。

Unfortunately, we live in a world that refuses to acknowledge trans people and the diversity of trans people in general. And my hope is that when confronted with an opportunity tostand up for someone else, we all take action like Sarah, even whenthere's risk involved.    

不幸的是，我们生活在一个 拒绝承认跨性别人， 拒绝承认跨性别人 多样性的世界。我希望，当我们遇到一个机会， 需要为别人挺身而出的时候， 我们能像莎拉一样，尽管可能会有风险。

So some days, the risk of being agenderqueer dad feels too much. And deciding to be a dad has been reallyhard. And I'm sure it will continue to be the hardest, yet the mostrewarding experience of my life. But despite this challenge, every day hasfelt 100 percent worth it.

有时候，做一名性别酷儿父亲 所冒的风险太大。决定做父亲真的很难。我确信未来依然会是最难的事情， 但也是我人生最大的收获。抛开这个挑战不谈，我觉得度过的每一天都百分百值得。

So each day I affirm my promise to Elliot and that same promise to myself. To love her and myselfhard with forgiveness and compassion, with tough love and withgenerosity. To give room for growth, to push beyond comfort in hopesof attaining and living a more meaningful life.

每天我都会确认对埃利奥特的承诺， 这个承诺也是对我自己。努力去爱她和自己， 带着宽恕和同情， 带着坚定的爱和慷慨。给予成长的空间，走出舒适区， 希望获得并度过更有意义的一生。

I know in my head and in my heart thatthere are hard and painful and uncomfortable days ahead. My head and myheart also knowthat all of it will lead to a more rich, authenticlife that I can look back on without regrets. Thank you.        

我知道在记忆中，在心里， 有以往的艰难、痛苦和不安。但我也同时知道， 这一切都会带我走向更加丰富、真实的人生， 当我回首往事，不会后悔。谢谢大家。