港理工博士、雅思写作7.5的Rachel写作与批改

以下展示往期其中一位学员的作文批改，原文是直接用word文档查看批注，为了让大家观看方便，公众号在排版方面作了调整。

[1] Euthanasia gives patients with terminal illness the right to end their life with dignity. As countries become liberised, laws explicitly allowing assisted dying have been established in more developed countries. However, it’s impractical to enact mercy killing bills worldwide because not all countries can provide sufficient safeguard when related laws applied. The impact caused by inappropriate practice could far outweigh the benefits from euthanasia.

批注：

注意格式，要么缩进，要么顶格。段落顶格则段落之间需要空一行，缩进式时段落间不用空行。

注意辨析这个词组的用法，come to pass表示“发生”，但法律是不会发生的，而是存在/形成/出台

删除: legalized, come to pass in ,execution,over

[2] First of all, it is possible for some cash-strapped developing countries to encourage patients with chronical and terminal illness to hurry up and die. The expense to treat patients with chronic disease is often high, especially for those in their end-stage. Countries struggling in poor financial situation could be difficult to balance between spending money in taking care of life-limiting patients and getting more people covered by basic health care. If mercy killing is legalized, terminally ill patients may be abandoned under this circumstance.

批注：

这里用abandoned 欠精确。安乐死只是让zf找到了理由可以堂而皇之地放弃治疗，但不会表现出来abandoned，这里可以换成encouraged/pressured to end their life.

删除if

[3] Secondly, countries who offer euthanasia as an option may find themselves facing difficulties in setting criteria. On one hand, a certain number of patients with terminal disease suffer from mental disease such as depression. For them, suicidal thoughts come and go. It is difficult to determine whether they are competent to make a sound choice. On the other hand, for patients with disease like dementia, the common practice is to leave them live, regardless of their real wishes. This practice itself ignored people’s freedom, which is mercy killing laws trying to avoid.

批注：

此处逻辑值得商榷。正是因为法律尊重人们的自由意志，才会在无法确定其真实意愿的时候让他们活着。如果说让有dementia的老人去结束生命，也会存在很多法律和伦理的风险。

[4] Furthermore, by leagalising euthanasia laws, patients who need round-the clock care will have more pressure. Because they will be categorized as a group, for whom living is a personal choice. If they choose to continue to live, it seems to be their fault to put their families into sustained burden.

批注：

这样的病人所有国家都存在

[5] In the final analysis, not all countries  are suitable to enact this kind of laws. Governments should have financial capabilities and also detailed implementation plan before enacting them.

批注：

这里这个分类并不理想。文章只有第二段是针对不同国家情况在讨论的，后面的两个段落的情况在每个国家都可能出现。可以考虑不要以国家来区分。

删除：above, under

以下为雅思写作评分标准：

TR: 文章完成度很高，紧密结合我们课上学习的内容充分回答了题目提出的问题，展现了你对这个话题成熟的了解。

CC: 文章行文流畅，相互照应，层层递进，适时使用了linking devices，总分结构掌握得好，读者读起来burden of interpretation小，证明你对cohesion & coherence有了全面的认识及深刻的掌握。唯一注意的是总分关系中的“总”的句子有时会显得突兀，并不能很好地总结全段，需要多加梳理。

LR: 使用了一些我们课文里讨论过的词汇以及语料，用得idiomatic，偶尔出现用词不够准确，可以多注意词汇用法辨析。

GRA: 句子平均长度适宜，如果可以使用物称主语句、倒装句等高阶句式，就能更好展现你对长难句的掌控能力。

除此之外我们还包含一份语音点评，此处我们就不再展示。

如果对我们写作课有兴趣的同学，可点击以下链接进行详细了解。

     招生· 5.29第十五期写作优质课来袭

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