剑桥硕、杜伦博、雅思写作8分Jemma写作与批改

以下展示往期其中一位学员的作文批改，原文是直接用word文档查看批注，为了让大家观看方便，公众号在排版方面作了调整。

Nowadays animal experiments are widely used to develop new medicines and to test the safety of other products. Some people argue that these experiments should be banned because it is morally wrong to cause animals to suffer, while others are in favour of them because of their benefits to humanity.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

[1]Animals, from fruit flies to mice, play a vital role in the development of drugs, as well as enhancing our understanding of various diseases, which has long been the subject of heated debate.  This is why people and scientists start to think about whether it should be continued or not from different stances.  

[2]Some people believe that using animals in scientific research solely for human benefits should be banned because it is morally wrong. In fact, this view has a lot of support among the public. There is no need to cause pain and suffering to animals when there are some reliable alternatives, like computer systems, mathematical models, human tissues, and more focused clinical studies, which can also show researchers what happens to human bodies during disease. Also, it is acknowledged that animals have rights as humans do, so conducting experiments on them for potential benefits to humanity would violate their rights, considered ethically wrong and ungrounded.

批注：

跟上下文联系不大，可删除，这部分可以证明‘animal’，第二处红色是做什么语法成分

删除of an animal

[3]However, othersargue that it is quite essential for scientists to use animals as research subjects. They claim that using animals for research purposes enables people's understanding of how human bodies function and prevents them from risky side effects of a new medication. In addition, the use of animals in the laboratory is never taken lightly since researchers working with animals carry out their experiments with extreme care to eliminate or minimise animals’ suffering. Last but not least, far fewer animals are used in scientific research than are killed for humans to eat according to some recent statistics. Therefore, blaming animals tests overly is unfair and unreasonable.

批注：

跟前面的use animals as research subjects重复

删除：there are some people who, beings,unknown and,over

[4]Personally, I reckon that banning animal experimentation is unrealistic because it impedes the development of new and vital treatments. Researchers should continue their studies by using animals as long as regulations are in place to ensure that they are carried out in a humane way.

批注：

删除：for, removing, s completely from the scientific experiment.

按照雅思写作标准评分：

写作任务回应情况：能够回应写作任务中的每一部分要求 7.5

连贯与衔接：段落有清晰的中心主题，但第一段需要调整逻辑，第二段的主要例证不能完全支持中心句  6-6.5

词汇丰富程度：词汇使用较为灵活准确，偶尔不准确或冗余 7

语法多样性及准确性：句式较为灵活准确，有偶尔表达不清楚的地方  7

总分：7

除此之外我们还包含一份语音点评，此处我们就不再展示。

如果对我们写作课有兴趣的同学，可点击以下链接详细了解：

招生· 5.29第十五期写作优质课来袭

招生· 5.29第十五期写作优质课来袭

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