战胜死亡的恐惧 (w English)

死亡对于我们这档年纪的人来说好像还很遥远，却又可以很近。一个飞来横祸，一个意外的健康状况发现都可能把人向死亡逼近。从古至今，人们贪生怕死, 谈“死”色变，因为生老病死，无人能逃脱。古代皇帝为了长生不老，命令御医寻找炼制长生不老药。因着人对死亡的恐惧，继而有了基督再次降临、信徒复活的说法，有美好天堂极乐世界的描绘，有灵魂永久之说, 有佛教的转世投胎生命的轮回，大概都想借此带给人一些慰藉。即便如此，大多数人还是将信将疑，因为死它就是一个谜，没有一个人活着可以告诉你死的体会。人们对生的欲望那么强烈，对死的忌讳那么深，让人不敢谈论、直视死亡。当自己的亲人生命岌岌可危时，守在病床边的下一辈人不敢靠太近，不敢谈论死亡，对死讳莫如深。 而即将离世的老一辈，怕拖累身边的亲人也不敢谈自己的心里感受。但是，死亡却又是我们需要去面对的。古希腊哲学家伊比鳩魯说，人生的很多焦虑源于对死亡的恐惧。

 

《直视太阳：战胜死亡的恐惧》就是一本讨论如何克服恐惧，如何面对死亡的书。作者是位心理医生，斯坦福大学的心理学教授。他从理论和自己行医多年接触病患者的角度分析探讨了这个相关问题。作者引经据典，用了不少哲学家的思想，如伊比鳩魯, 尼采、叔本华，Stoic 的学说。他给病人看病时，喜欢从人的梦境入手，解释人潜在的恐惧。虽然作者也承认梦的荒诞性，难以解释性和不准确性，但是他还是常常借助梦去了解病人隐藏在内心深处的焦虑， 和人的恐惧心理，而达到缓解、消除和治愈的目的。

 

书中提到伊比鳩魯关于死的观点，认为人死了，灵魂也一同带走，所以，死的不可怕在于死的不可感知性，生死的对立和不相容性，我活着，死亡不在；死了，我已不在。(where I am, death is not; where death is, I am not.) 生和死不能共存，人死的时候，并不知道自己死了，故有什么好害怕的呢。

 

第二点， 死后的那种状态跟你未出生前是一样的，是相类似的，都是一种虚无的(non-being)状态。为什么人对死亡这么害怕，而对生之前的状态没有什么感觉。只要你把死亡跟生之前的虚无等同起来，你对死亡的恐惧也会减少。

 

第三点，作者提到Rippling(不知如何翻译，暂且译成余波式的影响)这样一个概念。想象一下，石头落入在湖面，散开出的一层层涟漪，它们看似微弱，却一圈圈地荡漾开来，越来越弱却又越来越广。作者在治疗病人时，常常会问病人，你害怕什么？有些病人会说，害怕自己死后，孩子可怜，没了父亲或是母亲。但是事实上，正是你的生命留下点什么，如孩子，你的基因、你的音容笑貌，你的生命的延续， 让你在这个世上以别的方式存在着，这也从另一个侧面说明，孩子其实就是你最大的财富。另外，这种推波助澜的作用还应该延伸到社会上，大到捐赠器官，小至你对身边的同事朋友，认识不认识的人，任何大大小小、有声无息、有意无意，物质上精神上的影响，帮助，都会以别人纪念你、怀念你、感激你的方式存在着。

 

其实作者本身对如何减少战胜生者对死亡的恐惧，并没有太多的新意，无非就是充实地生活，留下尽可能少的遗憾，成就越大，遗憾越少，对死亡的恐惧也会减少。但是，书中他讲到一个病人的故事却对我很有启发。一位老妪，丈夫死后，决定把老房子卖了，搬到养老公寓去住。家中的大部分东西卖的卖，送的送，扔的扔，最后一天，老太太看着自己熟悉心爱的家面目全非时，崩溃了。她打电话给在度假的医生作者，哭诉着，无法接受现实。这让我十分警醒。人生的断舍离其实比我们想象的要难，东西越多，缠累越多，因为所有的东西上都有岁月的痕迹、亲人的记忆。摒弃带有情感的物品很痛苦。所以，学会精神上富足，简单生活，不被物质所捆绑，这样走的时候轻松，没有太多的眷恋。世间的一切本来就是人生不带来死不带去的。

 

人的生命是短暂的，转瞬即逝的。正因为如此，才更应该生活得如烟花绽放般的绚烂，绽放过了，轰轰烈烈过了，当死亡来临时，也就没有遗憾了。所谓，生如夏花之绚烂，死如秋叶之精美。

 

One day, my daughter, at the age of 6 or 7, pulled the Children’s Bible off her shelf, turned to the page where there was a picture of shining gold-adorned palace, and asked me in tears if it’s true that this would be place where people reside in their death. I remember that I replied something like wasn’t it wonderful to live our afterlife in such a beautiful palace? This did not quell her at all. She burst into crying harder no matter what I said. I did not know what she was taught at the church, and what made her so scared? She did not know how to express herself, but tears were streaming down constantly whenever this topic came up. This continued for a while until I stopped sending her to the church completely.

We never talked about it ever since, but it remained a question in my mind what roiled her little mind when death was so far away? What made her believe that however magnificent the heaven looks like, it is a dreadful place?

Almost everyone in this world is afraid of death, young or old, to a certain level. However advanced today’s technology is, death still remains a mystery. No living people will tell us what death feels like, or if there is really an afterlife, revival, undying soul or heavens. Death is imperceptible, unknown and out of our hand. From the moment we were born, we are traversing on the passage from infancy to adulthood, and from maturity to ultimate death. However strong the yearning for an eternal life, life is finite, and death is inevitable. We are like the speck of dust that will one day return to the world in ashes, holding on to nothing and taking nothing with us the moment we are buried.

Poignant the fact is, it reminds us to” live more in each moment”, to consummate our life and fulfill our potential, so that little regrets are left behind when our time is running out. This is the highlight of the book Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death, written by Dr, Yalom,   a psychiatrist and professor at Stanford University, a book I borrowed from the library and finished it less than two weeks.

In the book, I surprisingly found a poem I learnt and recited at the middle school in China:

Good better best

Never let it rest

Until good is better

And better is best

From youth, we were educated to live positively and meaningfully, pursuing the dreams in our life. However, the older we get, the more we know, the more diminished we are at attaining the goal. Sometimes we are easily baffled with the meaning of living. Then when we are aging and deteriorating, we are inclined to be reminiscent of the old golden days, wishing to re-live life from the start. But our hourglass can never be reversed; neither can the clock be rewound. With more than half of our life gone by, we are no longer privileged to lament over the unfulfilled dreams, but to live every moment to its maximum.