College Essay系列（二）

顶级文书の传奇1990

今天聊聊著名的3A Essay。这篇被称为3A文书的作品，可称30年来College Essay界的最大phenomenon。当年，此文一出，连报业老大华尔街时报都坐不住了，出来专访作者。当年还是一个18岁高中生的Hugh Gallagher，现在已成为一位作家、音乐人、幽默家等身份下的纽约客，时常为出版公司Newsweek，Wired、Harper’s和音乐公司Rolling Stone执笔撰稿。

这篇之所以被叫作3A Essay，跟其主题根本没有关系，而是因为这篇文书是对应1989-1990年度NYU申请表的3A栏命题的回答。当年的Essay Prompt是这样的：

3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

看清楚，3A是一篇non-required essay题目。原来，用好一切机会让招生官们了解并欣赏自己，这一点一直都很重要啊。

1990年的NYU，在US News上还没有排名，而录取率还高达56%。如果你们觉得拿下这样的录取看起来没什么了不起，那么拿它赢下当年的Scholastic Writing Contest最高奖项呢？这篇文书的爆出，就是因为赢了这个1923年开始的、美国中学生文书的最高级别比赛。这相当于拿下Math Count或者Spelling Bee全国冠军。

大家可能看出来了，1990年的时候，美本还没有今天这么“内卷”。那年头连哈佛都大方地录取20%多的申请人。AO们的生活看起来还很惬意，每天处理5份申请。所以那时候，他们有大把的时间和心情，消耗在你们写给他们的ardent love letter、audacious self bragging、onerous spelling bee。

这样的条件下，以这篇3A Essay申请大学，是一个可承受的风险。总有一个AO会有时间，在承受了一大篇exaggeration带给他的confusion if not rejection 之后，终于读到作者在文末才抖出来的包袱”-- But I have not yet gone to college”。

这篇幽默的文书最奇特之处，就在于它的 mocking description of the narrator in a full page of details of irrelevance，然后在结束的时间点上抖出真实的主题来收尾。只有剧场里买了票的观众，才会坚持不在故事的中途就弃场。要是用在今天日理万机的AO面前，那申请者就等于自暴自弃了。

无论从立意、结构、细节和词句任何一个方面，3A Essay都堪称一篇顶级文书。但是，传奇只能留在早就它的90年代。Oh, the good old days！观察美本文书的历史，1990后的20年，可称为20 years of boredom。大家都像在参与不断升级的love、brag或spell contests，也有不少人复制Gallagher式的幽默，且偶有成功。随着申请量增长，每份申请的处理时间不断缩减。AO们读文书时的耐心，也在与时俱减中。

1990年：3A Essay

Hugh Gallagher, Author and Musician

NYU

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello...I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire, I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail...Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration...My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

（未完待续）