周末一笑：与药无关（转载）

1 与药无关/No Connection with Medicine

When the sick man entered the consulting room, the doctor smiled and said: "I am glad to see that you look much better today."

"Yes, I followed the direction on your medicine bottle," replied the sick man. The doctor asked: "What were they?"

The sick man replied: "Keep the bottle tightly corked."

病人走进诊室时，医生笑着说：“我很高兴你今天看起来好多了。”

“是的，我是按照你给我的药瓶上的说明做的，” 病人回答说。医生问道：“什么说明呀?”

病人回答说：“把药瓶一直用软木塞紧紧地塞住。”

2 我怎么才能上天堂/How can I get into heaven

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "No!"

"Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

“如果我把房子和车卖了，在车库举行义卖, 并把所有的钱给穷人，我能进天堂吗?”我问主日学校的孩子。

孩子们齐声回答：“不能!”

“那如果我每天都打扫教堂，给院子的草坪割草，并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁，我会上天堂吗?”

回答还是：“不能!”“好吧， ”我继续问, “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢?”

一个五岁的男孩儿叫道：“你得死了才行!”

3 总是坐在你身后/Always Sitting Behind You

Mr. Smith lived in the country, but he worked in an office in the big city, so five days a week he went to work by train every morning and came home the same way.

One morning he was reading his newspaper on the train when a man sitting behind him, who Mr. Smith had never met before, leaned forward, tapped him on the shoulder and spoke to him. The man said, "You're not leading a very interesting life, are you? You get on the same train at the same station at the same time every morning, and you always sit in the same seat and read the same newspaper."

Mr. Smith put his paper down, turned around, and said to the man angrily, "How do you know all that about me?"

"Because I'm always sitting in this seat behind you," the man answered.

史密斯先生住在乡下，但他在大城市的一个办公室里上班，所以他一周五天每天早上都乘火车去上班，然后又乘火车回家。

一天早上，他在火车上正读报纸，这时一个坐在他身后的男子(史密斯先生以前从未见过他)，向前靠着，轻轻拍他的肩膀，并对他讲话。这男子说，“你的生活过得不是很有趣，是吗?每天早上你在同一时间同一车站赶同一列火车，而且你总是坐在同一个座位上，读着同一张报纸。”

史密斯先生放下报纸，转过身来，生气地对那人说道：“ 你怎么知道关于我的这一切?”

“因为我总是坐在你身后的这个座位上。”这男子回答说。

4 一个睡觉的地方

By the time John pulled into the small town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. When asked about how he slept, he replied, "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me."

约翰开车来到这座小镇时，旅馆已客满。“肯定还有空房的，” 他恳求道，“或是只要一张床，睡哪里都行。”

“好吧，我这儿确实有个双人间，不过只有一个住客，” 旅馆经理答道，“有人分担房费他会很高兴的。可是实话告诉你，他打呼噜的声音太大了，住在隔壁的人都抱怨过。不知你这样是否划得来。”

“没问题，” 旅途劳顿的约翰向他保证道，“就要这间了。”

第二天早上，约翰下来吃早饭，看起来精神焕发。当问及他昨晚睡得怎样时，他答道：“从没这么好过。”

经理颇为惊讶：“这么说，跟那个打呼噜的人睡在一起什么事都没有了?”

“不是的。只不过我很快就让他闭嘴了。”

“你是怎么做到的?”

“我进去时他已经睡着了，不停地打着呼噜。” 约翰说，“我便走过去，在他脸上亲了一下，说了声‘晚安，美人儿。’ 于是他整晚再没睡，一直盯着我。”

5 心不在焉的马克·吐温/Absent-minded Mark Twain

The famous American writer Mark Twain was well-known for his absent-mindedness.

One day, when he was riding in a train, the conductor asked him for his ticket.

Mark Twain looked for the ticket in all his pockets, but he didn't find it. At last, the conductor knew the writer, so he said: "It doesn't matter. Show me your ticket on your way back. And if you don't find it, there is no trouble."

"Oh, but I must find the dammed thing, otherwise how will I know where I am going?"

美国著名作家马克吐温以心不在焉著称于世。

一天，他乘火车去旅行，列车员找他查票。

马克·吐温翻遍了所有衣服的口袋，也没有找到车票。正好列车员认识这位作家，便说：“真的没什么大不了的。回来时你把车票给我看看好了。万一找不到，也没有多大关系。”

“哦，我必须找到这该死的东西，不然我怎么知道自己要上哪儿去呢?”

6 早慧的小男孩/Precocious Boy

A little boy was wise beyond his age. One day he came home from the public library with a book. Its title was "The Care and Management of Children".

"Oh, my god," exclaimed his mother in astonishment. "What are you doing with a book like that?"

"Oh, " replied the precocious boy, "I want to see if I'm being brought up properly."

一个早慧的小男孩有一天从公共图书馆回家时带回一本书，书名是《对儿童的照料和管理》。

他的母亲惊讶得大叫道：“啊，我的天哪!你要这样的书干什么呢?”

这个早慧的孩子回答说：“哦，我想看看我是否是在受到正确的教养。”