替天行道甚至替天行刑，然后呢？
这篇发表在香港“90年代”月刊的92年3月的文章“宽恕”读着心里非常纠结。
几次下笔，都无果而终。这次也不例外。
1. 被污辱损害的人们，如果还活着，有权利替被那些一朝觉得真理在握就可以对同学对老师对同事对朋友对乡亲替天行道甚至替天行刑而虐杀的人们宽恕这些打手们吗？
这是一个政治问题？还是一个刑事犯罪的追究问题？还是both？
2. 被污辱损害的人们，如果还活着，怎样宽恕那些当年置他们于死命，九死一生逃出生天的打手们？
当他们宽恕那些打手们的时候，他们自己也从噩梦里解脱了吗？
那些血腥的场面那些受屈辱的经历是永久的心理伤害。
3. 这些被损害的人们得到应有的国家赔偿了吗？没有。他们只是被补发了工资。
文革中被打死的人，文革后的赔偿，是420元/人。
4. 这些个人经历和历史记录中，对于打手们，对于迫害者们，都有一种对直呼其名的回避。
如果没有这些追随者这些打手们，那里来的大规模群体迫害的体积？
如果个人作恶没有后果，那就是给更大的暴力提供舞台。
如果一个政府作恶没有后果，那就是邀请下一次更大规模更持久的作恶。
当毛的画像还悬挂在那里，成千上万的人们还瞻仰其遗体，文革的重演也就是注定了的。
那城楼上“要武”的鼓励与号召言犹在耳。
王友琴博士“文革之罪”https://ywang.uchicago.edu/history/docs/2006_05_00.pdf清楚地指出，文革是反人类罪，是大规模群体性迫害。
任松林先生的YouTube书斋夜话382中指出：只有从法律上清算虐杀才能从本质上否定文革。https://youtu.be/Z2rbiBsfiEE?si=hg4RaryyDMnnzEcf
张郎郎先生九十年代杂志的文集
https://repository.lib.cuhk.edu.hk/en/islandora/search/%E5%BC%B5%E9%83%8E%E9%83%8E?page=1&type=edismax
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寬恕 by 張郎郎
北京素描: 寬恕 | CUHK Digital Repository
——五年來的同窗好友，竟然主持刑訊你的儀式
張樹德、靳之林、佟景寒、高皋姐弟...，都被刑訊。他要我們寬恕，說不能再重複那種自相殘殺的故事。他只想好好地活着，而我呢？
那是老周向我提出的：趙想請我吃頓涮羊肉。
北京人只要一提涮鍋子，肯定兩眼放光，毫不猶豫。何况我向來脾氣隨和，還喜歡熱鬧。別説請吃， 請喝茶都去， 自己搭茶錢也去。
可這囘...第一次讓我犯難。
雖然只難了三個鍾頭，可把我折騰得够呛，勾起了滿腔的陳谷子爛芝麻。
想完了，終於還是去了。
自己對自己説：至少羊肉不錯，至少白吃白喝。至少得明白明白：他到底現在怎麼想，又怎麽説。
且不提如今的羊肉薄如紅絹，豆腐嫩得哆嗦，白菜脆生得透明...也不提老酒的滾烫、啤酒的冰凉...看着老周寬慰地吃着、喝着、笑着，倒像是了結了他自己的一樁心事。
老周是天生畫畫兒的，連賣畫兒都不會。對什麽都認眞，連做個動物標本，都比人家做個動物雕塑費勁。決心要説和這件事，他肯定琢磨了不少功夫。
我們当年的典獄長
事情很簡單，他對我説，得「寬恕」趙，趙活得很不安寧，很不容易。
他可能對趙説：得主動要求我「原諒」他，我活得也不容易，他對周圍的朋友們、同學們説， “得幫忙一塊解開這個死結”。好像這個死結也是他自己的心結。
簡短地説，趙（編者注: 趙國維，央美畢業畫家，洛杉磯）是我們當年的典獄長。如今，他在靠畫畫兒養家糊口。（編者注：https://m.douban.com/book/review/6519809/ ）
其實，那不是眞正的監獄。那是北京隆福寺的一座灰樓，幾十年來一直掛着中央美術學院附中的牌子。如今，我姪子正在那兒學畫畫，做着藝術家的老夢。他可能不知道：當年，這裏曾一度成為血腥的刑訊監獄。説「血腥」一點不誇張。
當我第一次被押到這兒。作為刑訊用的地室，我感到震撼性的驚訝。
震驚於刑訊室安排的相當專業(比現在許多電影導演的佈景都逼眞)。
幾盞强光燈，貼近地照着你的臉，一羣冷靜的小伙子穿着灰色海軍制服，手裏擺弄着各種刑具，靜靜地默默地威懾着你。
其他房間傳來拷打的慘叫聲。
更使我震驚的是：五年來的同窗好友，笑咪咪地坐在暗處的桌後。
而最溫文爾雅的趙——平時不斷微笑的書生，竟然主持刑訊你的儀式。而且用的方法，完全是從電影裏學來的蓋世太保那一套。
他和他的同夥愉快地學着，用着，仍不稍減幽默與溫雅的風度，絶沒有絲毫的不安與內疚。
他們認為自己站在「正義」和「眞理」一邊，他們有權並有快意來虐待獵獲物，彷彿小孩在撕碎小動物——同一種殘酷心理。
打人，而且師出有名
血溅在他們潔白的襯衣上，毫不眨眼。
那眞是羣「勇士」，不再像文弱書生。
原本拿慣畫筆的瘦弱的手，居然毫不發抖地舉起皮鞭、鐵棍、鐵釘......
他們讚嘆説：老包(编者注：包泡，央美毕业，雕塑家，北京）眞行，他直接往劉迅老師臉上踢。
我愕然地想：難道我們祖傳的血液中都有嗜血的衝動麼？
不，他們冷靜而且出師有名。
沈（编者注：沈燕祥，央美毕业画家，天津）在開打之前，舒口氣慢慢摘下手錶， 叫我站起來。朗誦着説：「我沒打過人。可今天出於革命的義憤，為了祖國，為了人民......」話音未落，我眼前一黑，似乎聽到了一聲雷鳴。臉貼在冰冷的水泥地上。
只是不太明白？如何界定出我對「中國人民」感情傷害的程度？而沈又是通過什麽途徑接受了這樣神聖的委託？
別人更慘。
當我第一輪刑訊之後，囘到四樓的牢房。
張樹德老師(他比我早幾天進來，已經被折磨得不成人形)悄悄遞給我一枝香烟，説：「抽口烟吧，好受點。 」後來， 他終於下去後不再囘來了。
人們説：他在地下室「自殺」了。
他是溫順到底的人。
靳之林老師被押進來， 佔了張老師的舗位。
他小聲問我：「要刑訊多久？」
「不知道。我是六天六夜。」
靳老師在下一輪刑訊後囘來，兩眼只能直視。
趁看守的同學吃飯時，當他嘴裏還有半個饅頭，突然跳起來一頭撞碎了玻璃窗，想要跳樓。
在最後一秒鐘，被看守拽住了後腿。幾個人衝上去把他扯囘來，摔在地上，在我眼前狠狠地毒打他，染上鮮血的饅頭滾在地下......。
好在，他如今還健在，在中央美院默默地研究着中國民間藝術。
佟景寒老師成功地從另一間屋跳了下去，......
他命大，只摔斷了兩條腿。
高皋兩姐弟，只因為認識我而被抓來刑訊。
版畫家蔣建國因為同樣的理由被打穿耳膜......
音樂史學者蔣定穂至今腮上留着用香烟燒下的疤痕......
我有寬恕權麼？
我們聰明的、文雅的學藝術的同學們，竟能如此有想象力的、天才地刑訊着同類......
至少有幾十人。
如今，眾口一詞，都眞切地記得：趙是主審，而且是刑訊主持人，往往親自動手。美院的許多老教授至今對他念念不忘。連我自己的記憶也都如此。
當我被送到公安局，尤其是進了死刑號，不只一次我咬牙切齒地想：你們把我置之死地
而後快。只要我不死，總有一天：一定要報仇。
青年詩人張久興，熱情的從小一起長大的知心朋友甘露林，都為當局製造的這個假案牽
連，而被迫獻出了生命......血債要用血償。這一切我永遠不能忘記。
然而，時間慢慢冲淡了仇恨。像天方夜譚瓶中的魔鬼，我漸漸靜下心來，傾聽時間老人囘答的聲音。
歷史自有安排，自有報應。當年刑訊隊的紅人，轉眼間你方唱罷他登塲。輪到他們被關、被鬥、被打、被迫自殺......品嘗了我們吃過的苦果。他們和我們一樣變成受害者，只是排列的順序不同。我不能再向他們索仇，那樣，他們會雙倍的悲慘：一面是政府的圍剿，另一面是我們的復仇。
不能了，不能。
等我出獄時，心中已不再燃燒着復仇的火燄。
卽使如此，老周要我去見老趙，要寬恕他，心情依然十分複雜矛盾。
我有寬恕權麽？
當年在刑訊室，我無權説這句話，也沒有勇氣這麽説。只有秋瑾、甘地那樣的勇士，才會這
麽説，才能這麽説。
當年也許我的那個「案子」中，有勇氣的人或許説過。
比如，我們崇敬的作家海默，他在另一個刑訊室中「自殺」了。作為這種勇氣付出的代價是他血氣澎湃的生命。
如今，我是否有寬恕權利？令我自己懷疑。
好吧，至少我要問一些問題。要求知道一些眞象。
眞正的打手在喑處
我：你當時打那座多人，是怎麽想的？怎麽下得去手？
趙：其實是有些誤解。我基本沒打人，只打過三個人。我主要是負責審訊。當時，由於我出身不好，壓力大。又被對立面追蹤。所以急於洗心革面。在這個環境，可以躱一躱。
主要人物其實坐在後面，包括公安局的人，讓我在前面説話。找你們寫材料也是我的工作。
所以，都認為我是主謀，是我在打人了。
我：許多人傷還在，連我都記得是你打了，怎麽會有這麽大的誤會呢？
趙：説話是我，打手是別人。我知道你心臟不好，公安局對你們的案子很重視。我多次嘱咐打手們對你要手下留情。其實，打你的時候我都不在場。你記成我打人也不奇怪。眞正的打手在暗處，他们也都不説話。使你和別人都誤解是我打的。
如今我很內咎， 對不起你們。
當時，我們以為是為政府而做，就是為人民而做。如今知道錯了，希望你能原諒，也希望你向其他人轉達這個意思，也幫我解釋一下。
我：查、包等人也都主動表示後悔。我是願意原諒的，因為我畢竟還活着。我可以幫你們解釋，説明如今你們內心的困境。但我無法保證他們會同意宽恕。尤其是死者的家屬，尤其是至今傷痕暴案的人。
我可能用這樣的理由去説：當我們以為正義在手的時刻，我們不能去替天行道，更不能以為有權去替天行刑。「以其人之道還治其人之身」，那麼，我們就同意降低到同一獸行的等級，同意玩同一種嗜血，私刑囘敬的遊戲。我們必須學會寬恕。要跳出這個輪迴圈。
但是，我們無法寬恕那些至今堅持這種觀念的人：「必需以殘暴對付自由的訴求者。」對他們我們不可能寬恕；我們不能寬恕不肯寬恕我們的人。
趙：(寬慰地笑了笑，笑中含着深深的苦澀)
謝謝你。
我們不能再重複那種知識份子自相殘殺的故事了。我們不能再當官僚手中的牌，讓他們當槍使。
只想好好地活着
他的表情眞誠也很傷感。
我能相信他的話麽？可能當人們想澄清這段歷史時，發現當事者全都説不清。我們這些倖存者，在恐怖震撼中，在汚辱與損害中，不可能有冷靜客觀的記憶與陳述。
他們那些設計者與行刑者，在作為復仇準對象時，他們內心中巨大的壓力必須要找一個合理的解釋，久而久之會使事實和想象發生混淆。
我只能宏觀地想復仇不會有任何良性的後果。
只能寬恕一切改悔的人，必須寬恕他們的親屬。
老周舉起了酒，三個人乾了杯。
趙終於露出了久違的微笑。
我想趙的心底的死結終於打開了，他安心了。
老周説：趙踏實了，他只是想好好地活着，讓孩子們安靜地活下去。
我想：那是不錯的，孩子們沒有錯。
我本以為：寬恕是雙向的，雙方的心結可同時化解。可我的心結卻沒有打開。我依然不斷地做着刑訊、監獄、死牢的噩夢。
同犯們千篇一律地問我：「你怎麽又囘來了？」
那恐怖的夢做多了，變成壓抑的夢。明明知道, 其實是夢。而那陰影卻再説：你並沒有眞正得到自由。那心再像是九層象牙球，層層都轉，越來越複雜。
那是心底的烙印。
我和藹地對待着一切，為了換得和藹的囘報。
我只能期許多元社會的寬容，將允許軟弱的書生能自由地生存，正常地思想，説些自己的話。
我不想去吶喊「消滅」、「奪囘」、「打倒」、「樹立」什麽什噱之類的口號， 只想保留自己，保留自己寬恕的權利。
這就是弱者最後的溫和的勇氣，一個書生的自尊。
九十年代月刊
1990/3
以下为机译
Forgiveness by Zhang Langlang
Beijing Sketch: Forgiveness | CUHK Digital Repository
——My classmate and friend for five years actually presided over the ceremony of torture me.
Zhang Shude, Jin Zhilin, Tong Jinghan, Gao Gao... were all tortured. He asked for our forgiveness, saying that the story of cannibalism must not be repeated. He just wants to live peacefully, but what about me?
That's what Zhou proposed to me: Zhao wants to treat me with a hotpot.
As long as Beijingers mention shabu-shabu, their eyes will shine without hesitation. What's more, I have always been easy-going and join friends eagerly. Don't say please eat together, please go for a cup of tea, even if you pay for the tea yourself, I would go.
But this time... the first time it made me feel hard to decide.
Although it was only difficult for three hours, it tormented me enough and aroused my heart full of old millet and stale sesame.
After thinking over, I finally went.
I said to myself: at least mutton is good; at least eat and drink for free; At least you have to understand clearly: what is he thinking now, and what would he explain.
Not to mention today's mutton is as thin as red silk, the tofu is shiveringly tender, and the cabbage is so crispy and transparent...not to mention the boiling hot old wine and the cold beer...watching Zhou eating, drinking and laughing in relief, it seems to have settled a concern of his own.
Zhou is a born painter, and he can't even sell paintings. Be true to everything, even making a taxidermy is more difficult than making an animal sculpture. Determined to make peace with this matter, he must have thought about it a lot.
Our Warden
The matter is very simple. He told me that I had to "forgive" Zhao. Zhao lived a very restless life, which was not easy.
He may have said to Zhao: Zhao has to take the initiative to ask me to "forgive" him. It is not easy for me to live either. Zhou said to his friends and classmates around him, "I have to help untie this dead knot together." It seems that this knot is also his own knot.
In short, Zhao was our warden back then. Today, he supports his family by painting.
In fact, it is not a real prison. It was a gray building in Longfu Temple in Beijing, and it had been hung with the signboard of the High School Affiliated to the Central Academy of Fine Arts for decades. Now, my nephew is learning to paint there, dreaming of an artist's old dream. He may not know: Back then, this place was once a bloody torture prison. Saying "bloody" is not an exaggeration.
When I was first brought here. As a basement for torture, I was shocked and surprised.
I was shocked by the professional arrangement of the torture room (more realistic than the sets of many film directors nowadays).
Several bright lights, close to your face,
A group of calm young men in gray navy uniforms, fiddling with various instruments of torture in their hands, silently intimidate you.
The screams of torture came from other rooms.
What shocked me even more was that my classmates and friends from the past five years were sitting behind a desk in the dark with a smile on my face.
And the most gentle and elegant Zhao, the scholar who is always smiling, actually presided over the ceremony of torture you. And the method used is completely the same as the Gestapo learned from the movie.
He and his accomplice happily learned and used it, still without any loss of humor and gentle demeanor, without the slightest anxiety or guilt.
They think they are on the side of "justice" and "truth", and they have the right and pleasure to abuse their prey, like children tearing up small animals-the same kind of cruelty.
Hit people, and learn from others
Blood splattered on their white shirts without blinking.
Those are really a group of "warriors", no longer like frail scholars.
The thin hands that were accustomed to holding paintbrushes actually lifted the whip, iron rod, and iron nails without trembling...
They praised and said: "Old Bao really did it, he kicked Teacher Liu Xun in the face."
I wondered in amazement: Is there a bloodthirsty impulse in our ancestral blood?
No, they are calm and famous.
Before starting the fight, Shen took off his watch slowly with a sigh of relief and told me to stand up. He read aloud, "I have never beaten anyone. But today, out of the righteous indignation of the revolution, for the sake of the motherland and the people..." Before I finished speaking, my eyes went dark, as if I heard a thunderclap. His face was stuck to the cold concrete floor.
Just don't quite get it? How do I define the extent of my emotional hurt to the "Chinese people"? And how did Shen accept such a sacred commission?
Others are worse.
After my first round of torture, I went back to my cell on the fourth floor.
Teacher Zhang Shude (he came in a few days earlier than me and was tortured to the point of being out of shape) quietly handed me a cigarette and said, "Have a good smoke, it will make you feel better." Afterwards, he finally went down and never came back.
People say: he "suicided" in the basement.
He is meek to the end.
Teacher Jin Zhilin was escorted in and occupied Teacher Zhang's berth.
He asked me in a low voice, "How long will the torture be?"
"I don't know. I'm six days and six nights."
Teacher Jin came back after the next round of torture and could only look directly at her.
While the classmate was eating, he suddenly jumped up and smashed the glass window with his head still half a steamed bun in his mouth, trying to jump off the building.
At the last second, he was grabbed by the guard's hind legs. Several people rushed up to pull him back, threw him to the ground, and beat him severely in front of my eyes, and the blood-stained steamed buns rolled on the ground...
Fortunately, he is still alive today, quietly studying Chinese folk art at the Central Academy of Fine Arts.
Teacher Tong Jinghan successfully jumped from another room,...
He was fatal and only broke two legs.
Gao Gao's two siblings were arrested and tortured just because they knew me.
Printmaker Jiang Jianguo had his eardrum pierced for the same reason...
Music history scholar Jiang Dingzhen still has the scars burned by cigarettes on his cheeks......
Do I have the right to forgive?
Our clever and elegant art students can be so imaginative and genius to torture the same kind...
At least dozens of people.
Today, everyone remembers exactly what they say: Zhao is the presiding judge, and he is also the host of the torture, and he often does it himself. Many old professors at the Academy of Fine Arts still miss him. Even my own memory is the same.
When I was sent to the Public Security Bureau, especially to the death row, more than once I gritted my teeth and thought: You put me to death
Then fast. As long as I don't die, one day: I must take revenge.
Zhang Jiuxing, a young poet, grew up with enthusiasm
My close friend Gan Lulin was all involved in this fake case fabricated by the authorities.
Lian was forced to sacrifice his life... The blood debt must be paid with blood. I can never forget all this.
However, time slowly dilutes the hatred. Like a devil in an Arabian Nights bottle, I gradually calmed down and listened to the voice of Old Man Time.
History has its own arrangement and its own retribution. The popular man of the torture team back then, in a blink of an eye you just sang him to the top. It's their turn to be imprisoned, fought,
Beaten, forced to commit suicide... tasted the bitter fruit we have eaten. They become victims just like us, just in a different order. I can no longer seek revenge from them. That way, they will be doubly miserable: on the one hand, the government's encirclement and suppression, on the other hand, our revenge.
Can't, can't.
When I got out of prison, the fire of vengeance was no longer burning in my heart.
Even so, Lao Zhou asked me to see Lao Zhao and forgive him, and my mood was still very complicated and contradictory.
Do I have the right to forgive?
Back then in the torture room, I had no right to say this, nor did I have the courage
so. Only warriors like Qiu Jin and Gandhi can do this
How to say, can say so.
Perhaps someone with courage might have said it in my "case" back then.
For example, our revered writer Highmore "suicided" in another torture chamber. The price paid for this courage was his bloody life.
Do I have the right to forgive now? Makes me doubt myself.
Well, at least I'm going to ask some questions. Ask for some facts.
The real thug is in the shadows
Me: What did you think when you hit that multi-person building? How can I do it?
Zhao: Actually, there is some misunderstanding. I basically didn't beat anyone, only three people. I'm mostly in charge of interrogation. At that time, due to my bad background, I was under a lot of pressure. And was tracked by the opposite side. So I am eager to change my mind. In this environment, you can take a dip.
The main characters are actually sitting in the back, including the people from the Public Security Bureau, let me
Talk up front. It is also my job to ask you to write materials.
Therefore, everyone thinks that I am the mastermind, that I am beating someone.
Me: Many people are still injured, even I remember that you were the one who hit them, how could there be such a big misunderstanding?
Zhao: I am the one who speaks, but someone else is the one who fights. I know you have a bad heart, and the Public Security Bureau attaches great importance to your case. I have repeatedly asked the thugs to be merciful to you. Actually, I wasn't there when I hit you. It's not surprising that you remember that I hit someone. The real thugs are in the dark, and they don't speak. It was me who misunderstood you and others.
Now I feel very guilty, sorry for you.
At that time, we thought that what we did for the government was what we did for the people. Now that I know I was wrong, I hope you can forgive me, and I hope you can convey this meaning to others and explain it to me.
Me: Cha, Bao and others also expressed their regret. I am willing to forgive, because I am still alive after all. I can help you explain and explain the predicament in your heart today. But I can't guarantee they'll agree to forgive. Especially the family members of the deceased, especially those who have been scarred and violent.
I may use this reason to say: When we think that justice is in our hands, we cannot act for the sky, let alone think that we have the right to execute punishment for the sky. "Treat another person in the same way as another person", then we agree to be reduced to the same level of bestiality, and we agree to play the same bloodthirsty, lynching retribution game. We must learn to forgive. To get out of this cycle.
But we cannot forgive those who have hitherto held to the idea that "the claimers of liberty must be met with brutality." To them we cannot forgive; we cannot forgive those who refuse to forgive us.
Zhao: (smiled in relief, with deep bitterness in the smile)
Thank you.
We can no longer repeat the story of intellectual cannibalism. We can no longer be the cards in the hands of bureaucrats and let them be the guns.
just want to live well
His expression was sincere and sad.
Can I take his word for it? Perhaps when people want to clarify this period of history, they find that none of the parties involved can explain clearly. We survivors, in the midst of horror, humiliation and damage, cannot have calm and objective memories and statements.
Their designers and executioners, when they are the quasi-targets of revenge, they must find a reasonable explanation for the huge pressure in their hearts, which will confuse facts and imaginations over time.
I can only think broadly "Revenge won't have any, benign consequences.
Only those who repent must be forgiven, their relatives must be forgiven.
Lao Zhou raised his wine, and the three toasted.
Zhao finally showed a long-lost smile.
I think the dead knot in Zhao's heart has finally been untied, and he feels relieved.
Lao Zhou said: Zhao is down-to-earth, he just wants to live a good life and let the children live in peace.
I thought: That's good, the children are not wrong.
I thought: Forgiveness is two-way, and the knots of both parties can be resolved at the same time. But my heart has not been opened. I still keep doing
Nightmares of torture, prisons, and death row.
The inmates asked me in the same way: "Why are you back again?"
That horrible dream has become a depressing dream. clearly know,
It was actually a dream. And the shadow says again: You are not really free. The heart is like a nine-layered ivory ball, which turns more and more complicated.
That is the imprint of the bottom of my heart.
I treat everything kindly in exchange for kindness in return.
I can only hope that the tolerance of Yuanyuan society will allow weak scholars to live freely, think normally, and speak their own words.
I don't want to shout slogans such as "destroy", "take back", "down", "establish" and other gimmicks, I just want to keep myself and my right to forgive.
This is the last gentle courage of the weak, the self-esteem of a scholar.
90s Monthly
1990/3
张郎郎写给香港九十年代杂志的文集
https://repository.lib.cuhk.edu.hk/en/islandora/search/%E5%BC%B5%E9%83%8E%E9%83%8E?page=1&type=edismax