Essay

 

 

Things about me:

I’m a dancer. I like to perform. There’s something exhilarating about being up on stage, showing what you can do and performing a story, and hearing the crowd. I don’t know when I noticed, but at some point, I realized that I was a pretty good dancer. It was sometime after I had been doing colorguard, and I noticed how high and flat my leaps were. I was never really a great dancer, but I think with some of the strength training from colorguard, it helped me develop my muscles needed for dance and taught me how to better control my movements.

On the topic of colorguard, colorguard has been a wild ride. It is the cause of much growth, both mentally and physically, but was also the cause of many injuries. The most exciting moment for me was when I really figured out what practice makes perfect meant to me. It was about practicing without worrying about the end result… focusing on the how and not the what. 

Although I still feel that mindset is pretty hard to achieve. In physics class, last year, I was kind of worried first quarter, and my grades were ok, but not great. But by second quarter, I think I was tired of worrying about my grades, so I just stopped looking at my grades. I thought the physics concepts were interesting, so I just focused more on the physics concepts and how things worked instead of the test results and grades. Somehow, I ended up with a 98% that quarter, and 100% on the midterm, which was kind of crazy for a college physics course. Then… quarter 3 came, and the pressure was on. It wasn’t actually pressure, it was more like my own expectations about how I should do kind of caused me to focus on the grades unconsciously again. I mean, I had such a good grade last quarter, so I expected myself to do just as well the next. That was where I lost that mindset of not worrying about the grades, so of course, my grades tanked. I did manage to pull it together 4th quarter, but it’s really weird to me how hard it is to maintain this mindset. In a way, you can’t force yourself to do that. You have to somehow stop caring unconsciously, which is so weird and contradictory. I think that feeling of not caring only usually comes to me when I’m too tired or too busy to care about my grades, and I just focus on getting school work done. Or I’m really distracted by something else that I’m currently working on. I’m pretty sure this section is so messily written. It feels really hard to put into words, because everything its kind of an instinctive thing.

Another thing I learned was that talent can do a lot. I know everyone always says that talent without hard work is nothing, but what about talent with hard work? Because I can say easily, that I am hard work with little talent. I can’t say no talent, because I was still very lucky to be born flexible and relatively smart, but most of it is work. I know this because my brother is talent without hard work. But then there was this one girl. She and I tried out for junior varsity together the first year. I didn’t really know her well, but all I knew was that she’d never danced before colorguard, but the tryout results was when I realized how talented she was. That year, she got the highest dance score out of everyone trying out. Usually, they don’t announce these things, but it just happened to come out of one of the coaches’ mouths during practice one day. To be honest, that kind of hurt, because I’ve been dancing for years, and yet she comes in and takes the top position, as well as netting herself some solos in the show. It doesn’t bother me anymore, but at the time, it did. Because although I’m sure she put in time and effort, I had taken dance lessons for years, and I was practicing hard for tryouts too. It didn’t stop bothering me until I realized that it was pointless to compete with her. First of all, we were on the same team. Second of all, I realized that I should be focusing on how I can improve instead of worrying about how much better or talented others are. Also, in retrospect, it seems kind of like a petty thing because I was only looking up and never once looked at those behind me. I didn’t even think about others.

Anyway, I mentioned that colorguard did not just teach me a lot, but also led to a lot  of injuries… that’s also true. I don’t think I was ever really physically strong. My body is really flexible and “soft”, so I can move in fluid motions, but I think that’s what also makes my body weaker. I was never a fast runner, and I just didn’t have that explosive power or strength to maintain positions of a long time. I sprained my ankle on jv, and it never properly healed, making it susceptible to more sprains. I still think I was lucky to only have sprained it, because I actually twisted it by landing on the side of my foot from a leap. Then, on varsity, injured my shoulder once in a strange way. It didn’t hurt, but I couldn’t lift my arm above a certain point. I did some research online, but it didn’t seem like there were any cases the way mine was. That time it actually really scared me because I was worried that I killed a nerve or something. To this day, I still don’t know what really happened. The doctors never seemed to be sure, but I went through physical therapy to get the mobility back. Even now, I feel that it gets looser if I don’t properly exercise it after a few weeks or months. And then there was the chipped tooth that happened just two days after school started this year. I was practicing a pretty simple skill, but the flag pole came down at the wrong angle and hit my front tooth so perfectly that it shattered the bottom half of it. This one probably scared me the most, because from the front, it looked like a clean break, but I could feel most of the back of the tooth was also chipped/missing. It turned out that the chip exposed the nerve from the back of the tooth, so I got a root canal before getting it filled in. While it was cool to see what a tooth nerve looked like, I would have much preferred it to be inside my tooth. 

Anyway, each time these injuries occurred, I seriously considered quitting colorguard. Because I felt like a sport that made me seriously injure myself in permanent ways wasn’t worth doing. But at the same time, I couldn’t seem to let go. I had a friend who injured her knee and had to get surgery, which meant she was without colorguard for an entire year. She once said to me that she felt like she was nothing without colorguard. And honestly that kind of scared me. Because I feel like we should never be defined by one thing, because if we lost that one thing, we’d be, well, nothing. At the time, I also felt lucky that I had many things that I felt I was. Yes, I was a colorguard athlete, but I was also a dancer. In school, I was an art kid, but I was also a tech kid, and that strange kid that actually liked physics. I also had my heritage that defines me. I’m Chinese, and I’m proud of it, and I love learning about Chinese culture, as well as other cultures. I was not just one thing, and yet, I was so attached to colorguard that I couldn’t let go. Why couldn’t I let go? I didn’t know why, and I seriously considered if I in fact had let colorguard become my one thing in life. Sure, it was one of my top priorities in life, but had it become the one and only? I think in the end, I realized that it was not that I felt I was nothing without colorguard, but what I got attached to was the community. I think that besides my family, colorguard was the one place that I truly felt like I could be myself, no matter what. It was the one place I felt accepted completely for who I am, and that I could say what I want and do what I want without worrying about what others think. I think it was because we spent so much time together that everyone just accepted that we were all a little crazy and quirky in our own ways. It was a place where we could laugh together, cry together, and talk about random nonsense. I don’t think I ever let myself loose outside of my house before I joined colorguard. Wow, writing this actually made me cry. I don’t think I even realized how important this was to me until now. It also sounds so stupidly cheesy, but what can I say? 

It’s funny, because I was definitely never this emotional before. When I was younger, like before middle school young, I almost never cried unless I got hurt or something. There were never tears of intense happiness, and rarely tears of sadness unless it was actually something sad. Like, I would never cry during sad movies and stuff, and I didn’t understand why others around me did. I also didn’t ever cry out of stress, granted there was very little stress as an elementary school kid. But then I hit puberty, and all of a sudden, tears were much more common. I cried at every sad moment in a movie, and I even cried once in a part of a movie that was very happy. I thought it was the hormones in my body going crazy, and maybe it was a little bit, because I’ve calmed down a bit now, but I definitely am not as stoic as before. I think part of the reason is because I’ve learned a little more empathy. I can feel for those characters on the page or up on the screen, and I can sympathize with how they’re feeling. I don’t know exactly how to develop empathy, but one of my mom’s co-workers once said that perhaps the way to teach empathy to kids is to show them that they are empathized with. If they can feel empathy, then they will grow to empathize others was essentially what he was saying.

If that’s the case, then I’m really thankful for my parents for showing empathy, because I’ve grown to be pretty strong and stable. At least I like to think so. But in general, I just think my mom is really great. Our relationship is pretty good, and I can always talk to her about any problems I’m facing. She’s kind of a “fixer” which means she always approaches things from a perspective of how to fix the problem, which I like about her. It’s also fun to talk philosophical things with her, which is why I think I’ve become such a thinker. It’s probably also why I’ve been able to grow so much mentally. All the things I figure out isn’t stuff I realize by thinking in silence. It’s almost always when I’m talking to my mom that I have a sudden epiphany about life or about what I’ve learned. I mean, I also talk to her about non-philosophical things, but doesn’t everyone. Also I just really appreciate her in general because of how strong she is. My dad is working in China right now, so my mom takes care of me and my brother at the same time, and I think she does a great job at it. My dad is also just as great as my mom. It’s always fun to talk about random science things, or discussing how the stock market works. I think while my mom gives advice, my dad gives another type of advice. My mom gives advice about how to be a good person and my dad gives advice about how to, well, real life stuff, like how to get a job or manage money. He’s always the one who also puts in a ton of time researching stuff that we need help with. Two summers ago, when I first started looking for a part time job, he’d send me articles and stuff about things he found online that talked about how to make a resume or prepare for an interview. This year, while I’ve been searching for colleges, he sent different articles about different schools based on my interests.

I think I’m just lucky to have a great family in general. I also get along with my brother much better than most siblings do. I have friends that almost never talk to their siblings or would rather not have them around when they’re with friends. I actually really get along with my brother. I think it’s partially because we both have an interest in things like books and video games, but it has flourished into a friendship that is much more than just playing games together and talking about books. Even when we were in elementary and middle school, we would go out together and walk to the nearby Stewarts to buy ice cream. Sometimes with friends, sometimes just us two. The summer before I got my license was the year we started to become more independent. Instead of just walking to get ice cream or slushies, we would bike to a cafe and get lunch when our mom wasn’t home and we were too lazy to cook. After I got my license, things only got crazier. One time, I drove with him for 45 minutes just to go to this ramen shop that I wanted to try. It was in the city, and I had to parallel park, which was quite possibly the worst thing ever. He got out to make sure I didn’t hit the car behind me. It was an ugly parking job, but we did it. He’s also a good listener and will listen to me complain, or at least pretends to listen. Sometimes I feel like I take much more that I give when I’m with him. I tend to drag him into doing things, but he usually goes with it, rarely asking much from me. 

I mentioned earlier that I had many interests and hobbies. I seem to have an undying curiosity for almost anything. I don’t know why that is, but there’s so many things I’ve done and so many more things I want to try. One of the things I had an interest in was video games. I don’t know why, but I guess I just never grew out of it. Something about the different foreign worlds that creators build draws me in, and I just want to explore all their secrets. The interest in video games probably also stems from my interest in both art and tech. Games are one combination of the two, but to me, it’s the ideal combination. It allows the user to explore and discover everything on their own. It gives complete control to the player. They can run through the intended path, just by following the story, or stay for the long haul and uncover every nook and cranny. I’d like to create a game one day. There’s something alluring about creating a world from scratch, designing the inhabitants, and programming it to make it come to life. 

I think this interest in games stemmed from my love of books and stories. Afterall, games are just interactive stories. Ever since elementary school, I loved to read. I liked to see the lives and worlds of others. Now that I think about it, I don’t actually know why I like reading so much. Maybe because reading makes me think? But that definitely wasn’t the case when I was in second grade, which was when I first discovered this love of books. Maybe back then, I was enthralled by the stories and adventures and knowledge, and as I grew, I began to love books for more than just stories. Even now, I’m not sure what I love in reading. It’s something about the words on a page that draw me in. It’s like escaping to somewhere far far away, whether it takes place in a fantasy world, a planet light years away, or just in an ordinary person’s life.

I think it was second grade when I discovered my interest in astronomy. Ok, maybe astronomy is a little too technical. Let’s just call it space. We were in our astronomy unit and I was so engrossed that I begged my dad to take me to the library. I’m pretty sure at the time, I read every single book about space in the children’s section. Twice in class, my teacher read books about planets to us that I’d already borrowed and read. I tend to dive deep in whatever I’m currently interested in. And at that time, it was space. And I’m kind of sad that I forgot about that interest as I grew up. It’s not like I lost interest, it simply got pushed into the background when I discovered newer, things like books and games and art. But that spark of mine got re-kindled recently. It just so happened that I took aerospace this year for tech, and one of our assignments was to research an advancement of aerospace. So my group ended up picking the Voyager I and II, and I realized that I loved space just as much as before. My group happened to finish our presentation planning early, so I ended up spending the rest of the class period looking deeper into the Voyager’s astronomical discoveries, which were not needed for the presentation. The most interesting I found was that Jupiter’s moon, Io has active volcanoes, and that it was the first satellite discovered to have volcanic activity besides Earth. In addition, it only takes 1.77 Earth days to make a full revolution around Jupiter, and because it’s moving through Jupiter’s magnetic field so quickly, it induces a current and essentially acts as a generator. It can create 400,000 volts and 3 million amps of current. First off, I think that’s insane. And funnily enough the next thing I thought was, “Imagine how much electricity we could harvest from that if we could find a way to do it.” But then I realized that although it might be a great way to get green energy, there was no realistic way to do it with our technology. At least, not yet. It took six years for the voyager to reach Juptier, and that was when conditions were ideal. There’s also no way to bring it back, along with a ton of other complications. And yet, the idea excites me quite a bit. Just imagine what we could do with it. So I’m glad that I rediscovered this interest, and I wish I never let it go in the first place. Imagine how much more random cool facts I would know now if I’d kept reading about astronomy all these years. 

As I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize that all of my interests do have a reasonably common thread. I think I’m just a dreamer. These things I’m interested in are all a form of escape. In a way, a fantasy. Space interests me because there’s so much stuff out there we don’t understand and so much more that we have yet to discover. I like video games because they are just another type of foreign world to uncover, albeit human-made. Art is an escape to a visual world of colors, shapes, and creations. Books are the same. And it’s not just fantasy or sci-fi books that have that escapist element. Books about true stories or real events or things are just as amazing. In a way, it’s even more mind blowing when you find out that all these crazy things happened around you or in the past. The most mind-blowing things are the things I read that make me realize, “I was alive when this happened.” Like I read The Unsettlers last year, and I think it’s so crazy that people are still able to go and live a simple farming life with no electricity and imported goods. They’re able to live so primitively in this high tech world that may or may not be beyond saving. How amazing is that? I admire them so much, and I think it’s crazy that I could theoretically go out and meet these people I read about in the book right now. These kind of books show me a completely new perspective of our world. So perhaps the word isn’t escape, but discovery. It’s about discovering the new things about the world, about me, and about the past.

And then there was physics. I don’t know where that fits in to all of this. Heck, I still don’t even know why I like physics so much. Maybe it had to do with my teacher. Although maybe not. I know tons of people who really like my teacher but don’t exactly love physics the way I do. It’s very straight-forward equation-plugging and mathematics. It’s the one science I’ve noticed that has very little exceptions, which I find refreshing. What really bothered me about chemistry was that for every rule we learned about atoms, there seemed to be one or two case that was an exception. Even with physics, when we get down to the quantum stuff, things get messy, but even that is very interesting to me. And I get the irony of that, I just complained about inconsistencies in chemistry and then said I like it when it was put in a physics context. So maybe I didn’t actually hate chemistry that much. What I really found interesting in physics was that why did rules apply to larger things made of tiny particles and yet these tiny particles on their own don’t follow these rules?

So maybe it’s not discovery that I like but an interest in the intangible things. Things that I can’t just see or touch, but concepts that are hard to grasp, and sometimes so crazy that I can’t grasp them. Things like how a fluctuating magnetic field can generate an electric current, or how by the rules of gravity, you pull on the earth just as much as the earth pulls on you, but because your mass is much smaller, you the effect of that gravity feels much larger. Or the fact that color is just a concept, and it’s really just light being reflected and absorbed. And that what you’re seeing is not the object but the light bouncing off the object. Or that other animals can see different colors from you? I can’t even imagine another color existing that I can’t see. My brain just cannot come up with a color that I’ve never seen.

If there were two things I wish would be invented in my lifetime but probably won’t be, it would be a time extender and a time machine. In fact, I don’t even need a time machine, I just want technology that allows us to move at the speed of light. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start with the time extender. This will never exist, I don’t think. You only have 24 hours in a day, and that is not going to change no matter what. You can’t just magic up some more of that, but I really sometimes wish I could. Imagine how much more I could do with some extra time. Or just imagine how much I could do if I didn’t have to sleep or something. Perhaps I would just waste more time, and perhaps I could be more efficient with the time that I have, but that’s what wish is, right? It’s a dream. Imagination. My problem now is that I could literally spend hours reading about Jupiter’s moons, or drafting a crazy story I’ll never publish, or trying to clear every side quest in a game, or programming a copycat minesweeper game, or attempting a hyper-realistic self-portrait. Or in this case, writing seven pages of brainstorming ideas for a 650 word college essay. So yes, am incredibly inefficient with my time, but I’m just greedy. Some might say ambitious, but I really think it’s more like greed. I know there’s no way to do all this, and I know I have to prioritize and choose.

The second thing I mentioned I wish for was a time machine. Honestly, I think it would be pretty bad if someone invented a time machine. I’m sure someone would screw something up and we all die or something, so what I really want is not a time machine, but a future machine, so to speak. Or just light speed travel. Light speed is an interesting one because of the way time moves differently at light speed. So theoretically, if I travelled at light speed or close to light speed for some time, time would be slower for me than the rest of world, which means I could “time travel” and see a future that I might have not lived long enough to see otherwise. Again, it’s the dreamer in me coming out. But just looking backwards, look how much humanity has progressed since then. Imagine what it would be in another thousand years. Perhaps we’d all be dead, destroyed by own greed and lack of control, but maybe we won’t be. Even if the human race was gone by then, it would be quite a sight, to see human infrastructure slowly taken back by nature. Granted, that’s assuming that nature can still make a rebound, but I think it could. I once read that if humans one day just disappeared, it would only take 50 years for life on Earth to bounce back and become diverse and strong once again. 

Honestly, these are just things that popped into my mind while writing this. I don’t spend a ton of time thinking about this stuff on a normal daily basis because there’s really no point. These are the kind of things that pop into my head when it’s late at night and I’m laying in bed or trying to cram in some last minute studying. So quite literally, dreams. Because time is limited, I feel that from a logical viewpoint, it’s almost more important to figure out what I’m going to do with myself in the future and that’s hard because I don’t even know what to eat for breakfast until I’m downstairs and about to be late for school. 

Speaking of things that I want to do, you know how people always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up? I always said I want to be famous. I think at the time, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. All I wanted was the world to know me. I think that’s kind of a funny thing, considering who I am now, but I guess it comes from my enjoyment of performing. Like I said, I like to dance and perform for others. But I’m also shy, and I find it funny how I’d rather perform to a bunch of strangers then a small group of people I know.

Something random that I thought of. I noticed that my different friend groups tend to keep to themselves, and like to keep their tight-knit groups. But somehow, I belong in many groups and yet none. I tend to float around to any group, depending on who I’m with. While I don’t tend to consider myself in any of those groups, I realized I like to mix and match. My birthday parties got awkward at times because there were many people who often didn’t know each other, but at the end, usually everyone gets along fairly well. I think it’s fun to see all these different people come together. In a way, I’m kind of like a bridge. I don’t belong in any particular group, but I get along with all of them. It’s interesting because I end up becoming an anchor of sorts to all kinds of people. People come to me when they have problems and I never once imagined that would happen. I mean I’m just another girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing, stumbling through life with the rest of the crowd. And yet, I’ve had friends come to me. Like I mentioned before, there was the one girl from colorguard who injured her knee and said she felt like nothing without colorguard. At the time, she was especially worried because her knee hadn’t been healing well and there was a chance that she wouldn’t be able to return the next year. I had another friend who was an art kid. She was having doubts about her ability as an artist. In the previous years, she had always been one the best in art class, but all of a sudden, she was taking higher level art classes and she was surrounded by people who were just as good, if not better than her. It made her doubt her own skills, and again, she also said how she didn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t do art. She felt untalented in everything else. 

Honestly, I never felt I really knew what to do either about their problems. I had some ideas, but changing a mindset was hard, and the reality is I don’t have the answer to how to live their lives themselves. But one thing I could do was listen. I know it’s not everyone who feels this way, but I know sometimes I just want to let everything out and vent. Whether it’s in writing or talking to my mom, sometimes I just need to let it out. So I played the role of the listener. Ahh that sounds like crap. Whatever, I’m done. I have 8 pages of stuff, there’s a ton of stuff already. I don’t need to write about this.

 

Other things that I thought about:

• Work. How I somehow landed two similar jobs around the same time. Probably interesting to talk about luck and coincidence in this one, because everything just fell into place. Like I first got a job tutoring Chinese, and it was a very roundabout way I got it. One of my mom’s friend’s daughter was tutoring these two kids, and they happened to be looking for more tutors to spend more hours to work on Chinese, so her mom told my mom, and so I ended up tutoring them for a while, along with another girl. Then only a few months later, I discovered Code Ninjas, which had just recently opened. I felt that it was perfect because I had experience working with children with the tutoring, and I also could code because I took APCS in school. It was kind of a perfect combination, and I landed the job. And somehow, on the tutoring end, I also ended up teaching the kids some basic javascript. One thing led to another, and I guess it might have been because I set up a better relationship with the dad, because it ended up that I was the only person left teaching the kids chinese and javascript. One of the girls got too busy and didn’t have a ride, and I’m not sure why the original girl stopped teaching, but then it was just me. I just think that there must have been so much luck involved in landing these two jobs and being relatively successful in both, but I’m not sure there’s enough to write an entire essay about.

My life’s Mission (DongDong)

The engine roared to life, the front wheel slowly lifted, and the plane rushed into the sky, cutting through the air toward the edge of the clouds. I looked up, my eyes were full of relief and happiness.

Because of China's strict one-child policy, I wasn't supposed to be born. However, when my mother found out that she was pregnant unexpectedly, she thought that she had the right to protect my life. Mom lost her job, and I couldn't receive a formal education. But she has always believed that everyone comes with his own mission.

When I was 8 years old, my teacher showed us a rubber band powered plane. Watching it zipping through the air across the room, I was fascinated by it. However, even when I took the plane completely apart, I was still unable to figure it out. Curiosity drove me into the model aircraft club and became the youngest member. Since then, people could often see a boy with a remote control in hands, staring at the roaring plane circling in the air above on the empty riverbank. The puppy ran around him, and the bicycle laid on the side.

In 2019 I was selected to compete in the National RC competition. However, I would face a challenge here as my father refused to support this dream. I used all my savings for the train tickets and registration fees. I had no place to stay and worse, my equipment was very old.

In order to stand out during the competition, I used a more aggressive strategy. I kept the plane gliding in the thermal zone and after 105 seconds increased to high speed over the landing zone. I made a high angle attack climb with the help of the spoiler on the side of the stadium, a small radius turn to reduce the speed of the aircraft. I aimed and approached the bullseye before the timer buzzed. My heart was in my throat! Finally, the plane landed steadily at a distance of 0.8m from the bullseye. I won the national championship with a near-perfect score.

The joy of winning has not faded yet. One operator of a local drone rescue team found me and explained to me how they used drones to rescue and save lives in a disaster. Talking to him made me realize for the first time that I could help others with what I love.

After returning from the competition, I interviewed local firefighters and wild rescue teams. According to their needs, I decided to design a Multi-Role Fixed-wing Aircraft (MRFA) that could fly for 3-4 hours and carry a 13-pound load. It can search for missing persons and deliver lifesaving supplies within 40 miles.

The basement became my work zone. I purchased a workbench, laser ruler, grinder, 3D printer, and various aircraft manufacturing materials. After countless days and nights, my first plane crashed during the test flight. I was not discouraged, rather I realized that I need to be armed with new knowledge. In two months, I self-studied Algebra II and completed pre-calculus at a community college. I also learned Fluid Dynamics Simulation Software (CFD) for airframe design. I found flaws,  analyzed different composite materials, recalculated, and improved my designs. At the moment when the test flight was successful, my heart also took off with it. More than 1,000 hours of hard work had finally paid off.

My MRFA program has also received support from the school and teachers. They reopened “the Independent Study and Research” course for me only. With the help of the teachers, my improved Type MRFA v2 successfully made its first flight on October 2, 2022. All the marks exceeded expectations.

Looking back, my life’s mission my mother often mentioned seems much clearer. I am confident that I am capable of the challenges of university, so that university can be my dream booster.

 

JW

Each time I turn back the pages to where it all began, my childhood whisks me back into a world full of bliss and fulfilment. My childhood was full of adults who cared for me, older teens who loved me and always spent time with me,  and mentors who believed in me. This validation laid the foundation of my utopian fairytale that claimed I was perfect. Although unrealistic, this mindset served as the underpinning of my childhood for as long as I could remember. 

My parents and I decided to take the opportunity for me to leave my family and attend high school in the United States. On the way to the airport, my parents and I spent our last moments reminiscing about my favourite childhood memories. Suddenly, in a story about my kindergarten’s teacher taking me to the local amusement park, my father inadvertently revealed that the older “friends” I grew up with were actually paid babysitters. An innocent fact enough, but shattering, as I began to believe that money was the only reason people liked me, not for who I was. For the rest of the trip, I felt trapped in an inescapable pit of emptiness. 

 

With only a drop of morale left in me, I came face to face with my new home in America. To me, this was my chance for redemption. I started off small, building relationships with my host parents. I helped clean the table after dinner and watched movies with them during our downtime. As I began to make friends with non-Chinese students at school, I found myself more involved in the community around me.  I joined the church’s youth group and began attending weekly gatherings. Eventually, I found myself taking on larger responsibilities in my new community, even serving as an ambassador for my school's open house. 

 

However, there was a growing shadow that lurked over my shoulder: it was the feeling that my assimilation into American culture worked against me. The Chinese students at school mocked me for attending church and having non-Chinese friends. They formed their own circle, speaking Chinese at school, telling jokes in Chinese, and ordering Chinese food. Isolated, I found myself stuck within the same pit of desolation I felt on my way to the States.  

 

With my motivation dissipating each day, I decided to focus on what I could: academics and the friends who supported me, rather than forcing myself to integrate into the Chinese students’ circle. This experience turned into something positive as I became more independent and my confidence began to return. I achieved outstanding grades in 9th grade, and decided to challenge myself with more rigorous courses. I transferred to Albany Academies (AA) – a much bigger school with more resources and opportunities. There, I took more challenging courses, spent extra time at office hours, and joined school sports. In addition, I felt comfortable trying entirely new activities such as joining the Winter Musical, which turned out to be one of the highlights of my high school experience. 

 

 Without the journey of rediscovering myself after moving to the States, I wouldn’t have developed the voice I have today. With a desire to help others on a similar journey, I decided to take further leadership to represent those from a similar background as me. I was elected the president of the International Student Club at my school, serving as a conduit among international students, faculty, and administrators. 

 

Finally, I felt like the light shone through its shadow as I found purpose in helping others. I regained control of my happy past, but this time, it wasn’t bought or about me – it was about the impact I could have. Now, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see that same demoralized 13-year-old girl inside of me. Instead, I see a woman who looks at her obstacles as gateways to propel herself into a better future.