You are fifteen, going on sixteen ...

(A Letter to My Son)

Dear Son,

Happy New Year!
In the New Year, you will be 16 and soon you will be getting a driver’s license and become more independent. I would like to have a talk with you and I should have written to you sooner. It’s about dating, love, sex, and sexuality. I know you already have had some thoughts about these issues and I’d love to have an opportunity to share with you some of my thoughts, to compare notes with you, and to see if we are at the same page, so to speak.

As a matter of fact, this is a topic parents would rather avoid, me included, perhaps it’s because (1) it could remind parents that their children are growing up and they are getting older; (2) their own parents never had such a talk with them when growing up as adolescents and they naturally did not know how to approach it. But the reality prompts me to bring this up, to talk with you, right now.

The reality is that by the 12th grade about 70% American adolescents have already had their sexual experience. Among Asian American adolescents, this rate of sex experience is much lower than that of other ethnic groups.

What does it mean? Why is there such a difference?

Definitely it’s due to cultural influence. Asian American adolescents have a closer relationship with their parents and Asian American parents tend to have a conservative view and attitude toward sexuality—(1) it’s often a sort of taboo that is avoided in conversations or (2) Asian parents believe the adolescent years should be spent on concentrating on education and career preparation, and any other thoughts than academic commitment would be distracting so it should be discouraged, (3) Asian parents believe that dating, love, and sexuality would bring such problems such as teen pregnancy that could hinder the proper developmental pathways for their teenage children.

On the other hand, this lower rate of teen sexuality among Asian American adolescents could also indicate that, according to some speculations, Asian Americans are not popular, especially for Asian American boys, due to many reasons including racial discrimination. This could be depressing as quite a few books I read indicate that.

Also the fact that Asian American children do not have sexual experience as early as other ethnic groups indicates that Asian parents are doing the right thing to try to see their children are delaying the gratification, including sex gratification. I believe there is much wisdom in it.

In fact, I am very pleased to recall that you have been a well liked person ever since you were a little boy. Do you still remember, there were always some girls who liked to play with you, to be around you? Do you still remember Anna, of Little Wings Preschool? Brooke, Chelsea, from elementary school (maybe you didn’t quite like Chelsea back, who claimed to be your “girl friend”). I think your kindness and intelligence in your personality win you many friends, including girls. So you see, maybe some parents would worry about their sons for not being popular with girls in dating scenes, it does not bother me (at least not too much)—I am confident that you will not lack friends, you will meet a girl you love someday, a girl who is kind-hearted like you, who is intelligent like you, and who is whole-heartedly in love with you, appreciating for who you are, SOMEDAY.

You know what? To tell you the truth, whenever I learned you liked a girl or asked for a date with a girl, like in last year’s school homecoming dance, I would quietly pay particular attention and try to find about that girl and the result is-- I feel—absolutely happy! I feel proud of your high taste. The girls, Emily, Fran, Haley, and who else?-- invariably are very brainy besides being pretty (or beautiful, I won’t disagree with you if you think so). I feel very pleased with the fact that they are all excellent students. Way to go, Son! Of course, there might be differences between your standard and mine, and looks could rank high in young people’s judgment in choosing whom to have romantic relations with, but I would advise that how she feels about you, or her love to you, should rank higher. A bright, intelligent, kind-hearted person who loves you, whom you also find attractive and are able to relate to, to talk with, to share your innermost thoughts and feelings with (in short, whom you love), that’ll be the criteria than having a beautiful appearance alone. That’s how I feel. What do you think?

Love is a beautiful thing, just like so many world literature works described. Love is one of the most important sources of happiness, but it has its dark side, especially when people involved are not mature. Jealousy, rejection, rage, etc. could all come along. One really needs a very strong will and wisdom to be ready to deal with all the down side of being in a romantic relationship.

True love contains passion, intimacy, and commitment, and in my opinion, commitment could be too much, too heavy- duty, for a teenager. Adolescence is a period during which a person explores various options to establish his or her identity, which includes love, future career, and ideology (or beliefs). You try to figure out who you are, then when you have a good understanding of yourself, you will know what friends you want to make, including a girl friend. Love, just like friendship, should contain appreciation, acceptance and respect. There should be no place for contempt, insulting, or aggression in a love. In a healthy relationship, there will be conflicts for sure, but if there is love with respect, conflicts could be resolved.

When it’s time for you to have sex with your future girlfriend/future wife, I want you to be ready with the method of protection such as using a condom (unless in marriage).

Last but not least, be ready to protect yourself in a social gathering, against drugs such as Rohypnol. Whenever you are offered a drink, always make sure it’s from a package that there’s no way anything (powder or pill) could be slipped into and always have the lid on your drink and guard it so your brain will have no chance to be messed up. Keep away from alcohol and the like, as it could get you into the state you won’t be able to control yourself (I know you know that, besides being underage, but hey, we can never be too cautious with those things).

I hope you could respond to my writing. I will be open to hear any comments, even if you have disagreement with me. Again, I’m open for discussion.

Love,

Mom
(the names in the letter are of course changed to keep confidentiality)