the hidden and the real (我的自愈之路之一）

This has been painfully hidden for 40 years. I always thoguht it was not real, just a fleeting feelings of disapointment, emptiness,frustration or anger, the most. Most time I accepted what my mother wanted me to believe, it was all my bad. It could be my childishness, my irrationalness, or my depression. She was the one who tried so hard to save me, help me or even sacrifice for me. At the end of each emotional trumoils, I accepted the peace to reconcilate with her. She simply turned it into another little rebellion to the mother from a silly little kid. She had been successing all the time in the last 40 years and maintained her image as the one who was always forgving, loving and saving me again and again from my own insanity. 

But things did not seem right. My mental problems continued getting worse, so did my physical symptoms. My emotions did not agree with my conscience, they seemed have words to say all the time and they were telling a totally different story which I could not find any ground for it to exist. I simply ignored them so I would gain the temporary consistance and the betrayal of my emotions would not show up in my reality. 

It worked for a long time in my life, although I never found any long-lasting peace with myself.

The pain never left, it just went deep and hid more carefully each time.

Everything seemed going well from outside. I married young and the marraige stayed with no big problem, financially stable, good education, capable, with two lovely kids.

With all these met succefully with the criterions the society set for  a middle aged woman, I should had noting to complain. 

But what was so wrong deeply in my heart?