一段时间前，本想‘第一次版上发贴，真心求教’，写了下文。后真的烦不愿再提。今
天读‘中国RA的文，以及回复，希望
分享我的’drama'：
长话短说，RA:发 IF 》12 的一作时我还在本科，不知’科研‘何物。我, 薄厚前活泼
开朗，心直口快（现在，真的知道是
大毛病)，喜欢宏观的可以见效果的。薄厚4年了，文章去工业界多了（朋友言），留学
术界又差着。‘人生的九曲湾
中’放弃追梦. 博后到了距家最近的Lab， 虽然lab focus 与我的Ph.D. training有出入
与此RA曾为朋友，老板3 年前发现课题有潜力， assign 此 RA， 非大陆的。我还开心
，不是因有RA，而是因为是朋
友。（领域真的labor intensive, grad school 与三RA 共事，另一美国博生是我好友
，亦次次出手在大实验：3－5 小
时能拿到要的sample 就很开心乐。这后面才是set-up study.）薄厚Drama开始于这RA
的指定。几乎合作刚开始，朋
友就没了。我傻糊糊的还想继续友谊，修缮关系。直到N 年后被HR告 'forget about
friendship, you 2 will never be
friends again.' 'As a project leader, your goal is respect rather than
friendship.' (这是后话了）
俯拾即是的小事不说，landmark 如下：
第一遭：我心狂跳，终于坐下问，‘Anything that I made you unhappy?' 造化弄人
，before I could get much out
of her accusations, 老板竟空降，－－－RA 认为我set up to frame her.／／ 老板
隔日脸很长，叫我去office. 我气。
老板只问是否'hard to collaborate'. ’Yes 。。。还没说下半句，老板告知要 '
turn her to HR'. 我懵。回家告老公，听
了老公教诲 ‘都是中国人，得饶人处且饶人’。连夜email 老板，不想RA在枪口下逼
着合作，I will tryto team up with
her using interpersonal skills. （几年后一已faculty的朋友 得知，说我老板
professional， 我不professional， RA
是否一人背房贷与我屁事。不应成为我决定合作人的动机。说我公私不分。）
一年后：我心生退役，1。在周五电话中，心中感怀当年，所以电话恳谈。她亦坦诚因
何气恼。我心惊才知：
说‘Chinese but also English-speaking people’ told her I said she didn't
work hard enough。／／. 这层的中国
人搬着指就这几个。抑或是RA或薄厚。 我在第一遭想一年前using interpersonal
skills to team up with her 时确有
去求教中国人－－是诚心请教的；但没有对任何美国人讲过。我心凉，浪费一年解决提
高她对我的不满，其实根在
这？// 2. 一个周二中午，我终于见道她。对她讲要genotype 1 litter, 周五下午要
结果。她拍桌子，怒目而视，原话
‘Are you giving me a deadline? Are you giving me a deadline? Even xxx (the
big boss), never ever give me a
deadline.' 我狂深呼吸，问她做genotype 要多长时间。这真捅了马蜂窝，’You have
no right to ask me that
question, you don't even pay me'. 我强忍眼泪， 退了。／／ 3。 做人不能太自负
。至此，我仍认为我可以give it a
last try. 停了实验，面对面恳谈, 无果。Looking into her eyes, I told her "I
will not be able to work with you like
this ; it's too hard'. 她依然怒视‘ are you trying to threat me?'. 我忽然觉
得可怕：干，她说我 ’treat her as hands'
（略去无数); 不干，她说我 threat 她。// 下一天，买icecream and very
sincerely approached her, 又甭了。始发
罪状的条目不停激增，包括我让她觉得我off hour不屑于回她电话。／／ 4。 当晚
email 老板 sorry that I couldn't
make it to be a team. 我提出单飞。
第二遭，老板把我俩一起上交 HR. goal is to team us up。我老实的交代了问题，这
次起于genotyping。也提出我希
望知道how the other side feel what the major problem is. 我愿意有HR
professional 建议, 改进提高。后来，才
很吃惊的得知，quote HR said ' she was very sincere and very sweet, told us
wow there is no problem now
we've talked.' The suggestion I got was 'forget about friendship and aim at
respect'.／／ 后来头一次，也是唯
一一次，她主动找我，要跟我做。我心很累也很伤了，因为和她的关系，我都少与周围
的人交谈了。The last thing I
need would be further gossip to make the situation even harder. 坦诚说强扭的
瓜不甜，我不认为it will work.
抬头看见一滴眼泪慢慢留下。合作来，我都是被噎的，眼圈红的那一个。见她如此，我
心一下很痛。Without even
think of consequence, I told her 'don't cry please, I will work with you.' (
现在知道又错了）
第三遭，老板鲜有露面了，口头命令我是她的 ‘supervisor'。‘命令’因为告知时，
我不同易。I don't believe I could
do that since I've wittnessed even a very polished US postdoc (grad from
stanford) could not work out with
her. 那时我还感慨他傻，此RA对她会的技术真的是skillful. Anyhow 命令还是在我们
三一起的时候下了，因为老板 not
even here much, ‘you 2 have to work together. I can not afford you 2 fight.
' 结果：被命令接受“supervise“她。
第四遭，就到乐2010了。请她做1 个cloning。 把plasmid 的 一段防到 另一个
plasmid 以便做病毒。Beofre Xmas
started planning, New year 回来开始了。知道她喜独立，我就没有给detail plan。
我说希望两个月有结果。她当时旧
讲6个月的也不奇怪，有的就是难。／／长话短说，3 个月，无进展。期间列了list给
老板说因为我还不停让她做别的，
如给细胞换液，perfuse 老鼠。至此，无它，只科隆。3月中，maxi-prep 3次，告我’
you have to wait since it's not
enough.' 'sorry, I will have to keep doing max-prep, ect'。The next day,
emailed me she wants a vacation. I
said 'yes, after the cloning is done'. she emailed boss saying it 'illegal'
since BY LAW she entitles xxx days
vacation per year, ect // The end, she went vacation in mid of April, with
failed attempt of cloning --- even
though for that almost 2 months she is doing NOTHING but cloning.// 1
Japanese postdoc and 1 Korean
postdoc who I've collaborated both told me 'you should get it done in 1 week
.' With that spirit, I did the
cloning from scratch in 3 weeks.// My boss told me 'being a supervisor, you
have to be sensitive.'
尾声，几周前我告知朋友我不要这个RA了，好累呀，天天象在战场上。朋友说‘是不是
发了文章你变了，而不是RA 变
了？’ 我心中酸楚呀，想想算了。我不久就走了呢。不久，收了老板cc信， 给 HR 的
。说 RA resign 了 and quote due
to 'difficulty' to work with me。
***
To make a long story short: the situation is now she is like a changed
person now, talking to me softly (vs.
previous always yells and stares at me) and report to me or contact me each
day, ect...
For my side, it is a bit too late for her final change. I will still treat
her professionally as I did over the
years, but I want to move on. For the sake that we were friends before, I
feel 得饶人处且饶人 and have no
regret after being mistreated by her for so many years I still at the last
min saved her job.
Lesson:
When being mistreated,
1.try to find your goal: if it is you want to be on upper hand or it is you
want to make a team mate, no
matter how poorly she performs--- if you consider you could get her to help
you to save youself 2 hours
per day, then it worth the effort to bring her in, ect
2. quote from a webpage: 'Never fight with morons, they will drag you to
their level and beat you with thier
experience
3. Be professional and treat her as if you'd treat any other co-workers. If
you feel worth it, collect the
eveidence
4. The major lesson ＃1：人际关系真的比science复杂。永远不应，不要与工作，周
围人（other than your best
friend) 讲，即使你是想‘求教’。When the words spread, you never know what
people would say 'What xxx
Said to xxx about xxx'.
5。The major lesson ＃2： I learned: Respect is what you want to gain in
work place, not friendship or
good -relations as what I did before life give me the hard lesson.
6. 做人要有底线才不被人欺：无数次，她说 'I am working on your carreer and
not even mine, ect..' At the time,
I should have told her 'she is not working on my career, she is working for
her job.' Indeed, not doing
postdoc, is not an option for me。 It's my job and that's it. // At those
days, I simply feel I really don't want
to sink myself that low to argue with her 'why she is there working with me.
'
******
Grad school，与三个中国RA共事。一直对中国RA很感激。也是造成薄厚期，一直不相
信I may indeed dealing with
a very different and difficult person.
Anyhow, I believe lots of Chinese postdocs have been in training all the
time and don't have much
experience in work-place relationship. Especially those like me, thinking it
is a purely a transient training
phase and don't want to get involve in stupid fightings.
就到这吧，如今发出来希望对大家有帮助。PS：认为在实验室久了，发好文了，就能让
关系好的，因人而异吧。久，你
永远不会比她久呀。
