全国结婚登记跌破700万对！这个TED演讲为你揭秘：越晚结婚，婚姻越幸福，而且离婚率越低！（附视频&演讲稿）

Almost 50 years ago, psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory of the most distressing human experiences that we could have. Number one on the list? Death of a spouse. Number two, divorce. Three, marital separation. Now, generally, but not always, for those three to occur, we need what comes in number seven on the list, which is marriage.

差不多五十年前，精神病学家 理查德 · 赖特和托马斯 · 赫姆斯列出了 一份清单，包含了我们所能 拥有的最痛苦的人类经历。排名第一的是配偶的去世。第二：离婚。第三：婚内分居。通常是这样，但并非总是如此， 要让这三件事情发生，我们 需要先实现名单上的第七条， 也就是婚姻。

Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution. Now, some say number seven has been counted twice.

名单上的第四条是在 监狱里被监禁。有人会说第七条已经算了两次。(译者注：将婚姻比做囚牢)

I don't believe that. When the life stress inventory was built, back then, a long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage. Not so now. So for the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including de facto relationships, common-law marriages and same-sex marriages, or same-sex relationships soon hopefully to become marriages. And I can say from my work with same-sex couples, the principles I'm about to talk about are no different. They're the same across all relationships.

对此我并不认同。在这份生活压力清单 诞生的那个年代， 一个长期的关系 几乎等同于婚姻。现在情况已经不同了， 为了本次演讲的目的， 我将会考虑 这样一个事实，即关系出现在 婚姻之前，而且同性婚姻 或同性关系， 希望很快会成为婚姻。基于我与若干对同性伴侣的 工作，我要谈的原则 没有什么不同，它们 在所有关系中都是一样的。

So in a modern society, we know that prevention is better than cure. We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles. We have awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes -- all important campaigns. But none of those conditions come close to affecting 45 percent of us. Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate. Why no prevention campaign for divorce?

在现代社会中，我们知道预防 胜于治疗。我们接种疫苗预防脊髓灰质炎， 白喉，破伤风，百日咳，麻疹。我们还开展了关于黑色素瘤、 中风、糖尿病的宣传活动。这些都是重要的运动， 但其中没有一项 能影响接近45%的人口。45%。这就是 我们目前的离婚率。为什么没有预防离婚的运动?

Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe that things like attraction and the way relationships are built is changeable or educable. Why? Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X. They're in their 30s to 50s. And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues, I see their eyes glaze over, and I can see them thinking, "Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it? You can't control the way in which people attract other people and build relationships." Not so, our dear millennials. This is the most information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation, making the most informed decisions of any generation before them. And when I talk to millennials, I get a very different reaction. They actually want to hear about this. They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?

我认为这是因为我们的 政策制定者不相信吸引力和 建立关系的方式是可以改变的， 或者可以教育的。为什么呢?事实上，目前我们的 政策制定者是X一代， 他们的年龄在 30 至 60 岁。当我和这些人谈论这些问题时， 我看到他们一脸茫然， 很显然他们在想：难道这个 疯狂的精神病学家不明白吗?你不能控制人们相互吸引 和建立关系的方式。而对我们亲爱的千禧一代 来说并不是这样。这是信息联系最紧密、分析能力最强、 最具怀疑精神的一代， 相比他们之前的任何一代人， 他们能做出最明智的决定。当我和千禧一代交谈时， 我得到了一个非常不同的反应。他们乐意洗耳恭听。他们想知道我们该如何 维持长久的关系。

So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with me, let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce. Now, we can intervene to prevent divorce at two points: later, once the cracks begin to appear in an established relationship; or earlier, before we commit, before we have children. And that's where I'm going to take us now.

所以，对于那些想和我一起 拥抱后浪漫命运时代的人， 不妨听我说说三个 防止离婚的生活技巧。现在我们仍可以在之后的两个 时间点进行干预，以防止离婚。一旦一个既定的，或更早期的 关系出现了裂缝， 在我们承诺之前，在我们生孩子之前， 这就是我现在要讨论的时期。

So my first life hack: millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a day. That's American data. And some say, probably not unreasonably, this has probably affected their face-to-face relationships. Indeed, and add to that the hookup culture, ergo apps like Tinder, and it's no great surprise that the 20-somethings that I work with will often talk to me about how it is often easier for them to have sex with somebody that they've met than have a meaningful conversation.

我的第一个生活技巧：千禧一代每天花在电子设备上的 时间达到了七小时以上。这是美国的数据，有人说， 该说法可能不无道理， 这可能会影响 他们面对面时的关系。另外，这种“牵线文化”催生了 像Tinder这样的应用程序， 这也难怪，与我合作的 那些 20 多岁的年轻人 往往会和我谈到， 相比展开一次有意义的对话， 跟遇到的人直接发生性关系， 常常更容易。

Now, some say this is a bad thing. I say this is a really good thing. It's a particularly good thing to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage. Now, before you go out and get all moral on me, remember that Generation X, in the American Public Report, they found that 91 percent of women had had premarital sex by the age of 30. Ninety-one percent. It's a particularly good thing that these relationships are happening later. See, boomers in the '60s -- they were getting married at an average age for women of 20 and 23 for men. 2015 in Australia? That is now 30 for women and 32 for men. That's a good thing, because the older you are when you get married, the lower your divorce rate. Why? Why is it helpful to get married later? Three reasons.

有人说这是件坏事儿。我却说这真是一件好事儿。在婚姻制度之外发生性关系 是件特别好的事儿。不过在你开始评论我的 道德观之前，请记住， 在《美国公共报告》中， 他们发现X 一代中 有91%的女性在30 岁之前 有过婚前性行为，91%。这些关系在较晚的时候发生 的确是个好现象。想想看，60 年代婴儿潮 时期出生的人们， 他们结婚时 女性平均为20 岁，男性为 23 岁。2015 年澳大利亚的数据表明， 女性婚龄推迟到了30岁，男性是32岁。这是件好事，因为你越是晚婚， 离婚率就越低。为什么呢?为什么晚婚会有帮助?有三个原因。

Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce to come into play. They are tertiary education and a higher income, which tends to go with tertiary education. So these three factors all kind of get mixed up together. Number two, neuroplasticity research tell us that the human brain is still growing until at least the age of 25. So that means how you're thinking and what you're thinking is still changing up until 25. And thirdly, and most importantly to my mind, is personality. Your personality at the age of 20 does not correlate with your personality at the age of 50. But your personality at the age of 30 does correlate with your personality at the age of 50. So when I ask somebody who got married young why they broke up, and they say, "We grew apart," they're being surprisingly accurate, because the 20s is a decade of rapid change and maturation.So the first thing you want to get before you get married is older.

首先，晚婚可以让 防止离婚的另外两个因素 发挥作用。他们接受了高等教育，收入较高， 也往往愿意与相似的人结婚。这三个因素几乎是交织在一起的。第二：神经可塑性研究 告诉我们，人类的大脑 在 25 岁之前仍然在发育。这意味着你的思维方式 以及你所思考的事物 在 25 岁之前都是不断变化的。第三，对我来说最重要的是人格。你在 20 岁时的人格 与 50 岁时的人格并不相关。但是你在 30 岁时的人格与 50 岁时的人格有关。所以，当我问一个早婚的人 他们为什么分手，他们会说， “我们都变了。” 他们真是一语中的， 因为 20 多岁正是 人们迅速变化和成熟的十年。所以你在结婚前想做的 第一件事就是变老。

Number two, John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher, can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage. But the one that I want to talk about is a big one: 81 percent of marriages implode, self-destruct, if this problem is present. And the second reason why I want to talk about it here is because it's something you can evaluate while you're dating. Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy over the longer term were relationships in which the couple shared power. They were influenceable: big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a car, having children. But when Gottman drilled down on this data, what he found was that women were generally pretty influenceable. Guess where the problem lay?

第二。心理学家和关系研究员 约翰 · 戈特曼可以告诉我们 许多与幸福和成功的 婚姻相关的因素。但我想谈的是个很大的因素。存在这个问题的婚姻中 有80%会破裂和自我毁灭。我想在这里谈论它， 是因为你在约会时 就可以对它进行评估。戈特曼发现，在那些最稳定和辛福的 长期关系中，夫妻双方会共享权力。他们都有一定的影响力。(在做)大决定(的时候)，比如买房子， 出国旅行，买车，生孩子。但是当戈特曼 深入研究这些数据时， 他发现女性通常都有 很大的影响力。猜猜问题在哪里?

Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there? Yeah, we men were to blame. The other thing that Gottman found is that men who are influenceable also tended to be "outstanding fathers." So women: How influenceable is your man? Men: you're with her because you respect her. Make sure that respect plays out in the decision-making process.

没错，这里有两个选择。是的，责任在我们男人身上。戈特曼发现的另一件事是， 有影响力的男人 也往往是 “杰出的父亲!” 那么女士们，你的男人 有多大的影响力?先生们：你和她在一起，因为你尊重她。请确保你在做决定时 也会带着这样的尊重。

Number three. I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me after they've been married for 30 or 40 years. This is a time when they're approaching the infirmities and illness of old age. It's a time when they're particularly focused on caring for each other. They'll forgive things that have bugged them for years. They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities, because they're focused on caring for each other. So what pulls them apart? The best word I have for this is reliability, or the lack thereof. Does your partner have your back? It takes two forms. Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say they're going to do? Do they follow through? Secondly, if, for example, you're out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody, or you're suffering from a really disabling illness, does your partner step up and do what needs to be done to leave you feeling cared for and protected? And here's the rub: if you're facing old age, and your partner isn't doing that for you -- in fact, you're having to do that for them -- then in an already-fragile relationship, it can look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it.

第三。我常常很好奇，为什么那些夫妻 在结婚了三四十年之后才来找我。在这段时期，他们正在经历 高龄带来的衰弱和疾病， 也正是在这段时期， 他们特别专注于彼此照顾。他们会原谅多年来困扰他们的事。他们会原谅旧日的背叛甚至不忠， 因为他们专注于彼此关怀。那么是什么把他们分开了呢?对此，我能想到的最恰当的词 是可靠性，或缺乏可靠性。你的伴侣支持你吗?支持有两种形式。首先，你相信你的伴侣 会说到做到吗?他们会坚持到底吗?其次，比如说，如果 你出门在外被人用言辞羞辱， 或者你患有一种 让你生活无法自理的疾病， 你的伴侣是否会做出相应的行动， 让你感到被人照顾和保护?这就是问题所在。如果你已步入暮年，而你的伴侣 并没有做到这些，事实上 你反而不得不为他们这样做， 而你们的关系已经脆弱不堪， 看上去脱离这段关系对你来说更好。

So is your partner there for you when it really matters? Not all the time, 80 percent of the time, but particularly if it's important to you. On your side, think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner. It is much better to commit to as much as you can follow through than to commit to more sound-good-in-the-moment and then let them down. And if it's really important to your partner, and you commit to it, make sure you move hell and high water to follow through.

在重要的时候， 你的伴侣会陪着你吗?我不是说所有的时间，80%的 时间，特别是在很重要的事情上。对你来说， 在你对伴侣做出承诺前要三思而行。能够量力而行的 做出承诺，相比 当时信誓旦旦，后来却 让他们失望要好得多。如果这对你的伴侣非常重要， 并且你已经做出了承诺， 请确保你无论如何都要兑现诺言。

Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for. Don't worry, these are also things that can be built in existing relationships.I believe that the most important decision that you can make is who you choose as a life partner, who you choose as the other parent of your children. And of course, romance has to be there. Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing. But we need to add to a romantic, loving heart an informed, thoughtful mind, as we make the most important decision of our life.Thank you.

这些就是你可以审视的东西。不过别担心，这些也可以 在现有的关系中建立。我认为，你可以做出的最重要的决定 就是选择谁作为生活伴侣， 选择谁作为孩子的另一个家长。当然，浪漫不能少， 浪漫是一件盛大，美丽 而又神奇的事情。但当我们做出生命中 最重要的决定时， 还要怀有一颗浪漫的，充满爱的心， 以及一个理解的， 体贴周到的头脑。谢谢大家。