最差金球奖主持？！菲裔笑星10分钟开场段子，拿霉霉开玩笑，调侃《芭比》遭批“性别歧视”引众怒？（附视频&演讲稿）

"Welcome to the 81st Annual Golden Globes. I'm your host, Jo Koy. Look, I'm just taking this all in. Let me look around. I'm taking this all in. I'm so excited to be here. This is a dream come true. Not just for me, but for everybody in here. We all dreamt of this moment. And look at this. You're gonna look around. Look around. Look, Kevin Costner is here. Kevin Costner is never here. Kevin's, like, in a mountain with a cow, or something. But today, he's here. Don Cheadle is here. I'm just looking around. Just everybody's here. Like, this is a good night. And I got the best seat in the house.

"When I was a kid growing up, I used to watch the show, and I would stay up late with my family just trying to guess who would win and every time my mom would say, 'It's Meryl Streep, stupid! Who else is going to win? She wins every time.' And she was right. You do, you win all the time. That's why when the Golden Globes called me and asked me if I wanted to host, I jumped at the chance and I said yes. Then they asked me if I saw every movie and every TV show. And then I said yes. I lied. I only watched Beef. I love you, Ali [Wong]. You know what I mean, it's mandatory—I'm Asian. But not only that, it killed. You killed it, Ali. But anyway, I'm sorry. I'm gonna tell you that the minute I signed the contract, I did. I locked myself in the room and I started to binge watch everything. I watched everything.

"While my family was out there clinking champagne glasses and ringing in the new year, I was watching Oppenheimer. I loved Oppenheimer. I just just got one complaint: [it] needed another hour. I felt like it needed some more backstory. My New Year's resolution for 2024 is to finish Oppenheimer in 2025. Like seriously, I'm almost there. I love Oppenheimer, especially the first season. That's so stupid."

"Oppenheimer answered a lifelong question that's been on my mind for years. Yes, scientists do get laid—as long as they look like Cillian Murphy. Oppenheimer and Barbie are competing for cinematic box office achievements. Oppenheimer is based on a 721-page, Pulitzer Prize-winning book about the Manhattan Project. And Barbie is on a plastic doll with big boobies. I watched Barbie. I loved it. I really did love it. I don't want you guys to think that I'm a creep, but it was kind of weird being attracted to a plastic doll. It's just something about your eyes, Ryan [Gosling].

"For the whole show, just close your eyes, Ryan. Everyone just looks into your eyes and... And Margot [Robbie], it's not always about you. The key moment in Barbie is when she goes from perfect beauty to bad breath, cellulite, and flat feet. Or what casting directors call character actor. Some [jokes] I wrote, some other people wrote.

"Robert De Niro's here. Yo, I got the gig 10 days ago. You want a perfect monologue? Yo, shut up. You're kidding me, right? Slow down. I wrote some of these [jokes], and they're the ones you're laughing at. Look, Robert De Niro's here. I'm sorry, I'm a fan. I'm fanning out. I love you, Robert, OK? If it's awkward, I'm sorry. I had to do that in front of you. I know, it sucks. I'm a bit awestruck. This guy's amazing. Decade after decade, he just kills it every single time. I don't know how you do it, man, I swear to God. Your last performance has got to be your greatest performance ever. How'd you get her pregnant at 80? CGI? [To audience, about De Niro] Is he looking? Are you talkin' to me?

"By the way, Killers of the Flower Moon is so great. Killers of the Flower Moon, the cast is here. Robert De Niro, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lily Gladstone. You guys crushed it. Crushed it! The one thing I learned about that movie is that white people stole everything. You guys stole everything. Not like 97 percent, you guys 100 percent of everything. You took the land. You took the oil. You took the premise of the movie. What, that was your premise? That's hilarious, I don't care, it's just that the room is really white. The room's like, 'Yeah, we did take it. And?'

"I watched Saltburn. You know what I loved about Saltburn? I learned that satanic families have feelings, too? Is Barry Keoghan here? Where's Barry Keoghan seated? Where's your penis seated? Down front? That was the real star of the movie, Barry Keoghan's penis. If you haven't seen Saltburn, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. So watch it, then you'll understand what I was talking about. And then right after that, watch Barbie. And then you're gonna be like, 'Something's missing.' And then watch Maestro, and you'll be like, 'Oh, there it is. It's on Bradley Cooper's face.' What? That's hilarious! I was watching Maestro [and] I was like, 'That thing was dancing in Saltburn!

"Where's Danielle Brooks? Danielle Brooks is here. Fantasia is here. Where's Fantasia? Coleman Domingo. All in The Color Purple. By the way, The Color Purple is also what happens to your butt when you take Ozempic. Half the room is cringing and the other half is like, 'I've got to get home and grab my selfie stick.' Gonna be home after the Globes: 'Man, he was lying! It's more of a magenta.'

"I love this year's nominated TV shows like Succession. Succession is coming to an end after four beautiful seasons. I loved it and I loved everything about it. The one thing that this show taught me is if you're a billionaire, pull out. None of them are gonna be like you. They're gonna be a bad version of you, just pull out. There's billionaires in here... Leave it in, whatever. Succession has nine nominations. Really? That's it? Like you got more? Just clapping, like, 'Nine, really?' Just a great series of other rich white dysfunctional family, all scheming... Oh no, that's The Crown, I'm sorry.

"How great was Imelda Staunton in The Crown? Wasn't she amazing? Her portrayal of the Queen was so good, Prince Harry called her and asked her for money. Like I said, I didn't write all of these [jokes]. That one's not mine. Turns out Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will still get paid millions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing. That's just by Netflix. I have a deal too, chill. Because they're acting like...

"Only Murders in the Building—five nominations tonight. On that show, you don't [know] whose side to be on. That's how I feel about Daryl Hall and John Oates. Which one is Oates? Is it the one with the thick moustache, or the hot blonde girl?

"Speaking of blondes—Meryl Streep! My mom's favorite right there. Meryl Streep is nominated for a Golden Globe tonight. Duh! She's not coming to an awards show unless you give her a nomination. She's got 34 nominations. This woman, there's nothing she can't do. This is the greatest of all time. That's the GOAT right there. Doesn't matter what she plays, she kills it. My mom loves you, everybody loves you, Meryl. You know my favorite line from you? Legendary. This one I hold to my heart. I see it all over the... like, every time. The way you said it just stuck with me. The way you said, 'Wakanda forever.' It's brilliant. Do it again. Cross [your arms]. Yes, that's it!

"Speaking of Wakanda Forever, here's some hints about our first presenter. I'm gonna give you some hints. You ready? Think all powerful, beloved by the people she rules over, a regal queen. Oprah [Winfrey], it's not about you. It's not you. It's a different queen. It's Angela Bassett. Please welcome Golden Globe winner, star of 911, Angela Bassett, and the Golden Globe winner who I like to call hot Jesus, Jared Leto."