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关于译诗

关于译诗# Translation - 译林

p*e2003-09-02 07:09

1 楼

在ZST贴过的，聂鲁达同一首诗的不同译法。原文是西语，手头暂时没有，
估计也没人要看，所以只贴两种译文在此，比较一下。
我自己认为第一首读起来更象诗，第二首好象太直白了。第一首没有译者名字，
跟其他的译文对照之下，感觉象程步奎的，当然我也就是这么一猜而已。
聂鲁达
选自
1.
我记得你
我记得你，如你在去年秋天,
你是灰色的小帽与安静的心.
在你眼中颤抖著暮霭的火焰,
而树叶落在你流水的心灵.
象爬藤缠绕在我的手臂
树叶积贮你的声音,低缓而和平.
我的饥渴燃烧在敬畏的篝火之中.
甜蜜的风信子扭动在我心灵.
我感到你的眼在悠游,秋天已远行:
灰色小帽,鸟声,心如小屋
我深沉的相思向那里移动
我的亲吻落下,快活如余烬
天空来自航船.田野来自山岗:
你的记忆是光,是烟,是宁静在池塘!
越过你的眼睛,再向远方,夜色辉煌,
秋天的枯叶旋转在你的心上.
2.
我记得你去秋的神情.
你戴著灰贝雷帽心绪平静.
黄昏的火苗在你眼中闪耀.
树叶在你心灵的水面飘落.
你象藤枝偎依在我的怀里
叶子倾听你缓慢安祥的声音.
迷惘的篝火我的渴望在燃烧.
甜蜜的蓝风信子在我的心灵盘绕.

q*z2003-09-02 07:09

2 楼

can you post the English version here
at the same time?
Thanks a lotW
W

【在 p*********e 的大作中提到】

: 在ZST贴过的，聂鲁达同一首诗的不同译法。原文是西语，手头暂时没有，
: 估计也没人要看，所以只贴两种译文在此，比较一下。
: 我自己认为第一首读起来更象诗，第二首好象太直白了。第一首没有译者名字，
: 跟其他的译文对照之下，感觉象程步奎的，当然我也就是这么一猜而已。
: 聂鲁达
: 选自
: 1.
: 我记得你
: 我记得你，如你在去年秋天,
: 你是灰色的小帽与安静的心.

l*y2003-09-02 07:09

3 楼

Ok, English version:
I remember you as you were in the last autumn.
You were the grey beret and teh still heart.
In your eyes the flames of the twilight fought on.
And the leaves fell in the water of your soul.
Clasping my arms like a climbing plant
the leaves garnered your voice, that was slow and at peace.
Bonfire of awe in which my thirst was burning.
Sweet blue hyacinth twisted over my soul.
I feel your eyes travelling, and the autumn is far off:
grey beret, voice of a bird, heart like a hou

l*y2003-09-02 07:09

4 楼

when i read "sky from a ship. Field from the hills"
i thought he was refering to scenaries (sky, field) viewed from certain
vintage points (ship, hills). therefore I have a problem with
"天空来自航船.田野来自山岗"
"船上的天，山下的原野" 行不行呢。

tomorrow.

【在 l***y 的大作中提到】

: Ok, English version:
: I remember you as you were in the last autumn.
: You were the grey beret and teh still heart.
: In your eyes the flames of the twilight fought on.
: And the leaves fell in the water of your soul.
: Clasping my arms like a climbing plant
: the leaves garnered your voice, that was slow and at peace.
: Bonfire of awe in which my thirst was burning.
: Sweet blue hyacinth twisted over my soul.
: I feel your eyes travelling, and the autumn is far off:

t*n2003-09-02 07:09

5 楼

My 2c: This volume (20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair,1924) is among the
earliest work of Neruda who was then a symbolist. Therefore, these lines do
not necessarily reflect a real scenary.

【在 l***y 的大作中提到】

: when i read "sky from a ship. Field from the hills"
: i thought he was refering to scenaries (sky, field) viewed from certain
: vintage points (ship, hills). therefore I have a problem with
: "天空来自航船.田野来自山岗"
: "船上的天，山下的原野" 行不行呢。
:
: tomorrow.

l*y2003-09-02 07:09

6 楼

looked at it again. it's true. word for word, "天空来自航船.田野来自山岗" is
just right. 怎么一开始会念差了呢。但愿不是郭校长谱的曲子听多了。呼噜~

p*e2003-09-02 07:09

7 楼

in Spanish :)
Poema 6
Te recuerdo como eras en el último otoño.
Eras la boina gris y el corazón en calma.
En tus ojos peleaban las llamas del crepúsculo
Y las hojas caían en el agua de tu alma.
Apegada a mis brazos como una enredadera.
las hojas recogían tu voz lenta y en calma.
Hoguera de estupor en que mi sed ardía.
Dulce jacinto azul torcido sobre mi alma.
Siento viajar tus ojos y es distante el otoño:
boina gris, voz de pájaro y corazón de casa
hacia donde emigraban mis profund

【在 l***y 的大作中提到】

p*e2003-09-02 07:09

8 楼

因为写前贴，想找到先前引的第一段译文的出处，重新Google了一下，居然找不到了。
能找到的不是第二个、王永年的版本，就是王央乐的版本，如下 -
我记得你去秋的神情。
你戴著灰色的贝雷帽，心绪平静。
黄昏的火苗在你眼中闪耀，
树叶在你心灵的水面飘落。
你象藤枝依偎在我怀里
叶子倾听你缓慢安祥的声音
迷惘的篝火，我的渴望在燃烧。
甜蜜的蓝风信子在我心灵盘绕。
我感到你的眼睛在漫游，秋天很遥远
灰色的贝雷帽，呢喃的鸟语，宁静的心房
那是我深切渴望飞向的地方，
我欢乐的亲吻灼热地印上
在船上了望天空，从山岗远眺田野，
你的回忆是亮光，是烟云，是一池静水，
傍晚的红霞在你眼睛深处燃烧，
秋天的枯叶在你心灵里旋舞。
聂鲁达《第六首情诗》
更有趣的是找到以下两段关于翻译评论，都是以这首诗为例的 -
“例如聂鲁达的《第六首情诗》开篇，王永年先生（博尔赫斯短篇小说集《小径分
岔的花园》和曼佐尼长篇巨著《约婚夫妇》的译者）的译笔就要明显比别人高出一
大截：“我记得你去秋的神情。／你戴著灰色贝雷帽，心绪平静。／黄昏的火苗在
你眼中闪耀。／树叶在你心灵的水面飘落。”我们读完了之后，会感到一种舒缓的节
奏、悠

l*y2003-09-02 07:09

9 楼

overall 程's version seems to preserve more the *order* of the original.
but it's not easy for me to get, especially at first. also, the original, (at
least of the english version, has a peace and quiet tone, and sounds of hard
things like stone and wood... i'd say wang gets it closer for that.
I think it depents on personal preference and emphasis.
我深沉的相思向那里移动 vs 那是我深切渴望飞向的地方
for "towards which my deep longings migrated ";
我的亲吻落下,快活如余烬 vs 我欢乐的亲吻灼热地印上
for "and my kiss fell, happy as ember"
the bi

D*N2003-09-02 07:09

10 楼

I can imagine these disputes over translation of western language poetry
into Chinese to be inevitable, as compared to translation from Spanish
to English (W.S.Mervin's translation of Neruda is wonderfully poetic, it
retains most of the original rhythm.) The decorative terms in English would
sound too awkward if the translator try to preserve the sentence structure,
like your example of "And my kisses fell, happy as embers", as a foreign
reader, I would rather read a translation faithful to the

【在 l***y 的大作中提到】

: overall 程's version seems to preserve more the *order* of the original.
: but it's not easy for me to get, especially at first. also, the original, (at
: least of the english version, has a peace and quiet tone, and sounds of hard
: things like stone and wood... i'd say wang gets it closer for that.
: I think it depents on personal preference and emphasis.
: 我深沉的相思向那里移动 vs 那是我深切渴望飞向的地方
: for "towards which my deep longings migrated ";
: 我的亲吻落下,快活如余烬 vs 我欢乐的亲吻灼热地印上
: for "and my kiss fell, happy as ember"
: the bi

D*N2003-09-02 07:09

11 楼

这里第二句, 我的Penguin Classic英文版说:
"You were the grey beret and the still heart"
明显不是"You wore"嘛, 而且"beret"的音译"贝雷帽"总觉得
不太适合诗歌的语言, 打倒第二译文. :)

【在 p*********e 的大作中提到】

b*g2003-09-02 07:09

12 楼

很久以前看见过这两个版本的比较问题.
感觉第二首更..有奇特韵味.

【在 p*********e 的大作中提到】

p*e2003-09-02 07:09

13 楼

Just realized that the two versions I posted from the Wangs are the same.
Maybe one is the pseudoname of the other? Did find a third version,
translater unnamed, at http://www.china-culture.com.cn/wx/jd/04.htm. Say I am
obsessed if you want. :)
我记得你最后那个秋季的模样。
你头戴贝雷帽，心里一片平静。
你的眼里跳动着晚霞的火焰。
树叶一片片落入你那似水的心田。
你像一朵牵牛花紧贴在我怀中，
树叶接收着你缓慢而平静的声音。
惊愕的篝火燃烧著我的饥渴。
甜蜜的蓝色堇盘绕在我的心田。
我发觉你的眼睛在出神，可秋天已经远去：
灰色的贝雷帽，小鸟般的声音，家中的心脏，
我深切的渴望就是移居你的家中
我那快乐的亲吻会像火炭般地纷纷落下。
从船上看是天空，从山上看是田野。
忆起你，就想到了光明，炊烟，宁静的水塘！
在你的眼底深处燃烧着万道霞光。
秋天的枯叶

【在 D****N 的大作中提到】

: 这里第二句, 我的Penguin Classic英文版说:
: "You were the grey beret and the still heart"
: 明显不是"You wore"嘛, 而且"beret"的音译"贝雷帽"总觉得
: 不太适合诗歌的语言, 打倒第二译文. :)

l*y2003-09-02 07:09

14 楼

The second one has quite a few (could-be-non-poetic) stuff added to make the
translation smooth. it drive people mad for good reason. also, "傍晚的红霞在你
眼睛深处燃烧." is really bad.
as to the first one, things like "我深沉的相思向那里移动" simply drive me
nuts. It's definately the bigger evil. hehe.
btw, i hope the first one has 蓝风信子 instead of 风信子?
losing the color just won't do. ;P

【在 D****N 的大作中提到】

l*y2003-09-02 07:09

15 楼

eh, 牵牛花? I'll keep a poker face this time. ^o^

am

【在 p*********e 的大作中提到】

: Just realized that the two versions I posted from the Wangs are the same.
: Maybe one is the pseudoname of the other? Did find a third version,
: translater unnamed, at http://www.china-culture.com.cn/wx/jd/04.htm. Say I am
: obsessed if you want. :)
: 我记得你最后那个秋季的模样。
: 你头戴贝雷帽，心里一片平静。
: 你的眼里跳动着晚霞的火焰。
: 树叶一片片落入你那似水的心田。
: 你像一朵牵牛花紧贴在我怀中，
: 树叶接收着你缓慢而平静的声音。